posted
I have two openings I am working with on this story. I need some opinions on which one works better and maybe some suggestions on how to make it better. Any constructive critisism would be appreciated Thanks.
1st opening-
I watched my own funeral as the preacher stood next to the gravestone delivering the sermon. Being dead was a whole new experience for me. I didn’t know what to do or feel. All I could do was walk through the crowd unnoticed. Making my way over to my wife I stopped. I bent down directly in front of her looking into the empty gaze of her dark green eyes. No tears came down. I tried to stroke her face, but she couldn’t feel my touch. She only continued to stare blankly at my casket. “The ones that are hurting the most never cry,” said a voice behind me. Startled, I turned and saw him. “Who are you?” “Just another soul, same as you."
2nd opening-
I watched my own funeral as the preacher stood next to the gravestone delivering the sermon. “Today, we lay rest to Ethan Rainsville, a man who touched the life of everyone he encountered. A tragic accident claimed his life, a young life. Twenty six years. But while we all mourn his untimely death, it is imperative that we also celebrate his life. . .” They couldn’t see me. Looking across the crowd, I saw someone looking directly at me, his eyes fixed in an unflinching stare. And the next instant he was gone. Looking to my left he now stood beside me. I then paid him no attention and turned my gaze to a woman. “Is that your wife?” he asked. “Yes, I said. “She isn’t crying.” “The ones that are hurting the most never do” he said.
I then paid him no attention and turned my gaze to a woman. “Is that your wife?” he asked.
I dont think the main character would refer to his wife as "a women." He would probably think of her and refer to her as her name, Sally or whatever.
also:
Looking to my left he now stood beside me.
Why did the Main Character look to the left? Perhaps he felt the other souls presence next to him or did the other soul clear his throat? Maybe the Main character just saw him in his peripheral vision. I would let the reader know that way it didnt seem as though the MC's attention is wandering. He isnt looking around arbitrarily.
and:
They couldn’t see me. Looking across the crowd, I saw someone looking directly at me, his eyes fixed in an unflinching stare.
You contradict yourself in these two sentences. I know what you mean but the wording definately feels contradictary. Perhaps;
I looked over the crowd. I knew none of them could see me but one of them I swear was looking right at me. His gaze was unflinching. In an instant he dissapeared, reappearing right beside me.
But, despite the critique, I like the idea and would read on. I want to know how the MC died. It would get me to read a few chapters. So good work.
scott
[This message has been edited by trailmix (edited December 27, 2006).]
posted
You give away that it is his own funeral so early on. Try keeping that bit to from being realized for a bit, maybe start with the eulogy, move to the wife, hint that she can't feel his touch, that nobody is paying him any attention as he moves through the crowd, then have theother spirit introduce that he is dead, something like "Different being dead isn't it?" Is the protagonist surprised to find another soul? Anyhow, try it both ways, then pick the one you like best.
Posts: 43 | Registered: Dec 2006
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posted
Either's OK. I might like to hear a little more quirky voice. #2 is probably better.
I will say that if you took the suggestion to conceal from us that MC is at his own funeral -- something that he knows full well and that is crucial to understanding the scene -- I would throw the book across the room. I want to enjoy what's happening, not be tricked about it.
posted
I think the second one's better, primarily because you eliminate the problem of not knowing anything about "I" in first-person narration. The biographical information dump is acceptable in this context.
Also, "I didn't know what to do or feel" seems tepid for the circumstances, and therefore unnecessary. I get essentially the same sense of detachment from the second as from the first, but you spend less time making it happen. It comes out in the detachment of the narration. (In fact, the phrase "unflinching stare" takes some of that detachment away -- the man seems hostile -- so maybe you want to tone that down a little bit.)
I concur with Trailmix's comments regarding "a woman". Although you don't have to say "Sally" -- you could say "my wife" -- he almost certainly wouldn't think "a woman". His other comments are pretty good, too, although I personally prefer a "then I noticed" to an "I swear he was looking..."
I agree with WBriggs about not concealing the fact that the MC is dead. (Sorry, Ash.) It should definitely be said on the first manuscript page; and although you could, theoretically, go for a sentence or two about the people at the funeral and then drop in "The funeral was mine," I don't think you gain anything from it. Why not catch people in the first five words instead of in the first 13 lines?
posted
Good comments. I would add that with a first person narrative you're under a special expectation of a fictional audience for the story. In other words, the account needs to be "framed" as being told at a given point in time for a given purpose, otherwise there is no point in using first person.
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posted
Thanks for the comments everyone. I liked the second one better as well, but I wanted some outside opinions on the matter. Survivor, by framing do u mean to have the narrator begin telling what happened and then at the end having him reflect on the outcome of events? I haven't used framing very much. I see what you all are saying about the contradiction you talked about. I thought it may need some re-wording when I wrote it, but I'll get that fixed. Same thing with the narrator calling his wife "woman", I'll change that also. I didn't hide from the reader that the MC was at his own funeral for the exact purpose that wbriggs and oliverhouse talked about. Since the narrator knew it already the story gained nothing from hiding that fact. I can see what you were moving toward with your suggestion Ash; I think you were saying I should reveal that later to control the pace of the story to try to build suspense. Also, Will, could you clarify what you mean when you say you want to hear a little more quirky voice? Thanks.
Posts: 52 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
The second one is good, but it's less clear to me what is going on than the first. Can I suggest combining them?
quote:I watched my own funeral as the preacher stood next to the gravestone delivering the sermon. “Today, we lay rest to Ethan Rainsville, a man who touched the life of everyone he encountered. A tragic accident claimed his life, a young life. Twenty six years. But while we all mourn his untimely death, it is imperative that we also celebrate his life. . .”
Being dead was a whole new experience for me. I didn’t know what to do or feel. They couldn’t see me. All I could do was walk through the crowd unnoticed. Making my way over to my wife I stopped. Across the crowd, someone looked directly at me, his eyes fixed in an unflinching stare. And the next instant he was gone.
I turned back to my wife and bent down directly in front of her looking into the empty gaze of her dark green eyes. No tears came down. I tried to stroke her face, but she couldn’t feel my touch. She only continued to stare blankly at my casket.
“The ones that are hurting the most never cry,” said a voice behind me.
Startled, I turned and saw him again. "Who are you?"
posted
I like the second one better because the line "She isn't crying" is very powerful there. You can tell that the main character is shocked to see that his wife isn't crying. In the first one, I didn't get that emotion so much.
posted
A first person fictional story is "framed" as a first person account. First person accounts have certain features. The narrator is telling the story for some reason. He is also telling the story to a particular audience. When the narrator of your story is a fictional character within the story, then the reason for telling the story and the audience to whom the story are told are both fictional as well.
If you look at many real first person accounts, you see this immediately. Many of these accounts are somewhat fictitious, probably very few people bothering to recount their own versions of events are satisfied with the objective truth, after all. But the narrators themselves are real people, who have real reasons for writing their own stories, and who wrote with an audience in mind, even if that audience was just "whoever reads this". Generally, it's very clear within the first couple of lines why someone is writing a first person account. Even when it isn't, it's always clear that there is a reason.
Fictional first person narratives often make the mistake of having the narrator tell the story for no reason and with no audience in mind. This makes the narrative seem instantly unrealistic, completely different from any genuine first person account ever written. The worst possible third person floating omniscient with POV cheating seems more plausible by comparison, because people telling/writing stories that are basically true in the objective details are often guilty of failing to distinguish between what they know and what they only guess.
posted
I actually liked the first one better. The dialog in the second distracts from the mood. With a little editing you can delay the realization that it's his own funeral.
(Sorry I can't highlight the edits for you...)
EDITED:
I watched the funeral as the preacher stood next to the gravestone delivering the sermon. I didn’t know what to do or feel. All I could do was walk through the crowd unnoticed.
Making my way over to my wife I stopped. I bent down directly in front of her looking into the empty gaze of her dark green eyes. No tears came down. I tried to stroke her face, but she didn't feel my touch. She only continued to stare blankly at the casket.
“The ones that are hurting the most never cry,” said a voice behind me.
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