posted
I must say, first, that I'm a little hesitant to post this here, where I can only post the first 13 lines, since I don't really like the opening part; I like the rest of the story much better. Therefore, what I'd like most is for somebody to read the whole piece by email. It's not finished yet but I think it's well on its way to being finished. I'm not sure how many pages it will be since I'm typing it in Gmail documents, but probably around 10-20? I don't know. Not terribly long, anyway. And of course, anything you'd like to say about it is appreciated.
About the story: It's fantasy technically, but not really. My point with writing the story is to show how one could survive a period of horrible grief and learn how to go on living.
Ok here it is:
Rachelle saw him for the first time that she could remember at the ice rink. She was twelve years old. She skated by close to the wall, looked through the scratched Plexiglas, and saw him sitting on the bleachers. He looked directly at her and smiled. She smiled back, skated away, and didn't look at him again. But she remembered his face; he was about her age, twelve or thirteen, with icy blue eyes and light blonde hair. He was kind of cute, she thought, but thought no more of him.
She saw him again several years later. This time she was sixteen, sitting in the carpool lane in front of her school, waiting for her mother to pick her up. He was sitting on a bench near her, and again he looked at her and smiled. He was older now, of course, but she recognized the blue eyes.
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Sorry to keep talking, but I actually have some specific questions about the beginning.
In one of the first scenes, my character is 16, and she's home alone when her mother and sister are killed in a car accident. She has no other family in town (father is not there...I dunno what happened to him). As this has never happened to me, I'm a bit confused as to how she would be told. I imagine a police man would come to her house to tell her, but wouldn't it be weird to have a stranger telling you this? Would it be better to have your aunt or other family member tell you, even if it was over the phone? And how would that be arranged?
Another question: I borrow some ideas from what I assume is Mexican folklore. I got it out of a book called Macario by Bruno Traven. I'm pretty sure it's traditional, and not made up by him, but I might be wrong. Even if it were made up by him, would it be okay to borrow his ideas without using his words directly? (This would involve ideas about the afterlife, God, etc).
posted
I didn’t like the first line. “Rachelle saw him for the first time that she could remember at the ice rink.” Why qualify it with “For the first time that she could remember”? It’s extra words that do nothing for the prose. It only makes it clunky. Unless of course it is revealed latter on in the story that she had seen him even before that but did not remember. Even then, it doesn’t read well.
What’s wrong with, “Racheal saw him for the first time at the ice skating rink.”? Absolutely nothing.
My second qualm is more conceptual. She sees him again and “recognized the blue eyes.”
Lots of people have blue eyes. Within a span of four years I’ve probably seen hundreds of blue eyes. So what is it about his particular blue eyes that make them memorable? More importantly, what is it about his blue eyes that make them memorable to her!? Perhaps her father's eyes were blue?
If you can answer that question honestly and sincerely, I think readers may start to care about more the protagonist and involve themselves in the story. We’ll wonder if they’ll get together, how the relationship will turn out, if they will be good for each other etc.
I can see that this is going to be a strongly character driven story so characterization is paramount. If the story is more idea driven (And I highly doubt that) then you should consider drastically revamping the intro.
As it stands, the intro is cold. You’ve told us nothing significant about the protagonist. To reveal something about the protagonist you can make her either act or react in a way that tells us something about her. When she looks at him, does she quickly look away? That tells us that she is shy, and many can identify with that. Does she go up to him and start a conversation? That shows she’s bold. Does she think “He probably smiles at lots of girls that way.” That would show she’s insecure. Why is she insecure? Was she teased as a child? Does she have attachment issues (Possibly due to her absentee father?)
You should really create a character sketch if you haven’t already . And If you have, you should put it to use!(Note: you should certainly know what happened to her father! This would definitely shape her feelings toward men!!!) How does her life so far inform her actions and feelings? Show us! If this blue eyed boy is really as important to the story as you think he may be, then we should know this when we first encounter him. And it should be revealed through the actions or feelings of the protagonist. There’s a really neat thread on characterization somewhere on this site, you would do well to find it.
Good luck!
-Donelle
[This message has been edited by Donelle (edited January 03, 2007).]
posted
Also, as for "borrowing ideas" it's more than likely that the author of whom you speak probably borrowed his ideas about death and the afterlife from someone else. We humans have questioned our mortality since we became sentient. I doubt that anyone alive today can say anything truly original on the subject. What's important is how those ideas relate to your characters. How they shape the actions and feelings of the characters. If you remember that, you should be Ok.
And of course, remember the first rule, Show Don't tell. Do not , I repeat, Do not just tell us the ideas. Don't rephrase them and shove them somewhere convenient into the prose. Instead show us how those ideas help the character cope with death. If you can't connect the ideas with the story, theme or the characters, get rid of them(the ideas that is)! Come up with your own ideas that relate to your unique protagonist.
[This message has been edited by Donelle (edited January 03, 2007).]
posted
If you want the ideas to be modeled on traditional ideas, then go directly to the source. Look up Mexican traditions about the afterlife, and go from there. If you want to use ideas that are specific to a particular source, then it's only polite (and realistic) to credit that source in your text, even if you only do so obliquely. As it is, you can (and probably should) simply say that Rachelle had read Macario.
You open out of scene. This is always very difficult, because we don't really know how anything you're telling us relates to the story. You also fail to clearly establish POV. It doesn't seem to be Rachelle, but it also doesn't seem to be anyone else.
As for how they would tell her, that depends on how they found here. If she was waiting for a ride home from school, it seems that it would take a while for them to figure out how to contact her at all. By the time they get around to it, they'll think she's at home, but then how would she get there, right? Once they figure out she's still at the school, they'll probably arrange to have a counselor talk to her. If she's out of contact for long, say she decides to go shopping or whatever on the way home, then she'll probably find out from whoever she calls to ask where everybody has gone. If that's her aunt, then there you have it.
posted
I don't know enough about the Mexican folklore ideas to comment.
How MC is notified of Mom's death depends on her situation. Does she *have* an aunt around? Probably the cops woudl talk to the adult first and then the adult would tell her. Maybe they're totally isolated for some reason.
Your first 13:
Tell us his name. No reason not to, I think.
Nothing here hooks me. She saw him -- but what difference does it make?
You could tell us:
quote:Rachel first saw the man who brought the evil robot monkeys to destroy the earth when he was just a boy.
Even so, you might skip that scene. She saw him. Nothing really happened. I'd start where the action picks up.
posted
Thanks for the wonderful feedback, guys. I realized that I need to think about this as a whole much more before I start writing. Thanks again. (I'll probably have specific responses later but right now I'm too tired...and stressed out...so...later.)
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