It was around nine in the evening, Antwerp time, with a light snowfall gliding gently from the starless sky to the busy pavement. I was clothed in an auburn shirt and black tie beneath a dark-green jacket bearing my colors, grey trousers, silver cufflinks, night-black shoes with styled laces, and the army’s traditional cap that looked like a tent pitched on my head. It was my first leave on foreign soil, and I wasn’t in a gambling mood. I was sticking strictly to protocol, at least for the evening, and that concerned attire above all else. My destination was La Mort Subite, a pub in the heart of town, at the corner of aorta and artery.
edited (somehow I left out the final period)
[This message has been edited by Green_Writer (edited January 05, 2007).]
posted
Much of this is made up of information we just don't need. Is there any reason why we get such detailed info about what he is wearing? Only in the last five lines do we really get any useful information. The story seems to actually begin with the very last sentence and maybe that is the sentence that should be your first one? With only 9 lines you have shorted yourself 4 lines - use all the lines alloted. It's hard enough to write something attention grabbing in 13 lines as it is.
Posts: 409 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
I like it! I’d definitely read on. Though I think it would flow smoother if the description were broken up right after the dark green jacket. The rest is a mouth full.
If his attire is so important, then maybe you should work it onto an action or thought. Perhaps he adjusts his "Pitch tent hat"(Nice detail) when a lady walks by. Maybe he double checks his laces, a necessary habit when living in the presence of nit picking sergeants.
I like the detail though. It reads like noir which I like. Great if you stick with this tone. Also, if you're going with a noir tone, you should definitely give your character a distinctive voice. Perhaps it comes out later in the story. But often voice is the hook for noir. As it stands, all we know about the protag is that he's conscientious about his attire. Remember, we have to see the world filtered through his eyes/mind, so make him interesting! I'd like to know, why is he sticking to protocol?I certainly hope it's not because he's a goody-goody. My first thought is that he'd gotten into trouble before and one more slip up will land him a court marshal.
What's he looking for at the bar if not trouble?? Women? When he meets a woman, what's the first thing he looks at? Try to think of things like that.
posted
For my part; unmoved. The attention the MC/narrator gives to his clothing is a telling character detail, so arguable it's not superfluous per se, but I'm not convinced it's the very first thing we need to know.
However, if it's a novella not a short story, you arguably have more "time" to hook me than in a short story, so I may be being overly harsh. But so far, I just don't have a reason to read on. A man is going to a pub. Not a hook, for me.
posted
This didn't really grab me either. But since it is not a short story, I'd give you another paragraph before I gave up, if nothing else happens.
I don't feel like anything is happening yet, there is no action, no event. Is this a turning point for the protag?
I wonder about several things, too:
Why is he alone? Doesn't he have any Army buddies?
What is the protocol for leave (I've never been in the military, so I have no idea)? Also, I assume there are lots of protocols about leave. Is he thinking of a specific one?
Why the aorta and artery pun? Is it meant to be literal? This character doesn't seem to be the kind to have a wry sense of humor. That may or may not be true. Whichever it is needs to come through in the voice throughout the entire opening, especially since this is in first person.
I'd be willing to give a more thorough critic of the opening if you want to send me more (so I can tell you if I get hooked at all).
posted
As soon as I got to "I was clothed in..." I went, huh? Why do I care? But it's a serious question, and you may have a serious answer. If so -- tell us the significance (of that, and for that matter of anything else you tell us). Tell us why we care.
"I was clothed in an auburn shirt -- I wanted to appear casual when the evil robot monkey ambassador met with me --"
"I was clothed in an auburn shirt, with the cutest little lapels. (I really should have been a clothes designer.) ..."
posted
I think you're paying too much attention to detail. I agree with many people above me that it seems your story really starts with the last sentence. Personally I would get rid of a good portion of your descriptive words. Use them later if you want but clean it up so I can better picture the scene that you're trying to show me.
Another thought, you first describe what he's wearing then tell us why you bothered to describe it. Flip it around and that might flow better too. ^_^ Hope it helps.
[This message has been edited by RillSoji (edited January 06, 2007).]
posted
If this is a noir story, and I like that approach for this, then you should start immediately with action. For instance, just an idea, like 'I plunked down a pound note on the bar and straightened my tie. The bartender glanced at me briefly without seeing and focused instead on the window behind me. It was snowing outside, a silent mist of fine white stuff that was beginning to dust the street and light poles. I was glad to be inside. He squinted at me, finally. "Fine night,hey? What will ye have, then?"'
Something like that. Then in conversation with the bartender, your details can come out about why he's dressed the way he is and what his plans are for the night. And if the bar figures in later, you can even provide a description of the premises during breaks in the conversation as it pertains to his thought process.
Good luck! I liked the tone and direction. Keep going, this one will be worth the work.
[This message has been edited by Chaldea (edited January 07, 2007).]
posted
Watch those adverbs, spec in the first sentence. The rest is fine. It's not terribly intriguing but with longer work that's not so bad. Good luck with it.
Posts: 507 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
Course, you read mine, I read yours... right?
I gotta tell you that I'm a MAJOR fan of good 1st person writing... Well, I definately could see this guy in my mind... very cool. The army comment caught my interest as well. Why do you think most people put down first person? It seems to ensare me...
posted
I want to first thank everybody for their comments. Everyone who has posted has been quite helpful.
I've been working on this story for a long time now, and its really starting to come together. For those of you who guessed this was Noir, you're not far off. This is actually a detective story, heavily influenced by Raymond Chandler, a writer from the thirties and forties who mixed the Noir and detective genres. However, my story doesn't revolve around a Femme Fatal. If I had to name a "subgenre", I'd call it an accidental detective story.
Anyhow, I've discovered a problem with my story that I may need some advice with. As you all have mentioned, my opening lacks a hook. The reason for this is that the plot of my story does not unfold until the second chapter. The first chapter is an introduction to the characters who will eventually become suspects. Am I starting in the wrong place?
[This message has been edited by Green_Writer (edited January 09, 2007).]
posted
Your hook could be foreshadowing that a murder (or whatever) is going to take place, and highlighting the suspicious actions of the...suspects.
Posts: 36 | Registered: Jan 2007
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Send it to: kings_falcon@yahoo.com. I'm waiting for a 7 pm meeting so if you send it now, I can at least skim it before then. I'll only look at the question you asked - am I starting in the right place? - unless you want me to say more.
posted
I think that you want to work with a single POV as much as possible, both because this is going to be a detective story and because you're going for a certain "feel". And you need to give each individual first person narrator a reason to be telling the story, that gets really difficult if you're going to have a bunch of POV characters.
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posted
I appreciate the offer Kings_Falcon, but I've yet to write the first two chapters. I merely have an outline of events. I don't want to continue writing until I find my voice.
Regarding Survivor's comment, the entire story is in the first person (the detective). In the first chapter, the POV meets the soon to be suspects. However the real significance behind chapter one is the introduction to the POV and his motives.
And to Slartibartfast's point regarding the foreshadowing, the crime occurs before story begins. It is only discovered in chapter two.
I'm beginning to think I should start my story with the discovery of the crime, and then go to a flashback of the POVs first encounter with the suspects. My only quarrel is I can't think of a reason for the POV to have the flashback.
[This message has been edited by Green_Writer (edited January 10, 2007).]
You need a hook for any book's beginning. Or for any piece of writing; fiction, nonfiction, news, magazine, the list goes on. I really don't think you want to start with something like "I arrived on base last week to ..." You don't have to go chronologically. In fact, it's more interesting if you don't. Have you ever watched the history channel when they profile a famous person? You would think a show like that would start at the beginning when the person is born. They don't.
Hook, hook, hook. When most people go into a bookstore, they pick up a book and read the first page. If it doesn't grab them right there, they put the book down. Always think "hook" but watch out for being overly melodramatic or trite, something hard to avoid with noir. It's OK to introduce characters right off, but in your genre, you won't want to take too long.
Oops, just reread, so have to edit. Not sure I addressed your question. What's wrong with the plot beginning to unfold in ch. 2? Sounds right to me. I wouldn't think your chapters should be overly long in a detective story. From what you've said, I'm not really sure what your concern is. If it feels disjointed from ch. 1 to ch. 2, maybe I see your issue. Do you fit your characters into the setting in which the murder has taken place? I'm not sure what your reservation is about the way you're setting up.
Chaldea
[This message has been edited by Chaldea (edited January 10, 2007).]
posted
You don't need any other reason than because the fictional narrator has a plausible character reason for telling his fictional audience something that happened earlier.
But, that standard also applies to everything else in the story. It has to be something that this narrator would plausibly tell his audience. As of now, there is no indication in your opening that the narrator has any reason to be writing any of this down. That's the main problem.
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