For example: In the first line, you say she is in her cell. In the next line you say she curled up in the corner of her cell. All you need to say in the second line is that she curled up in the corner. Don't use twenty words when ten will do.

Also, don't say she started to do something; just say she did it. This is simple past tense. For instance; "She started to step out onto the ice." Correction: "She stepped out onto the ice." If you need to point out that your character is timid, then you say something like "She gingerly pressed one toe out onto the thin ice."

I'd be interested to see a revised version as I think you're really close. In fact, if you make he action "right now," you will have your incident the above poster spoke of.

Good luck!

'she pulled further back into the shadows,' would be it.

' . . . but guards with too much alcohol and not enough to do. She felt her jaw where it was still bruised from her first experience with them just two days ago and tried to pull even farther back into the shadows.'

How about this for punch and flow?

She felt her jaw. It was bruised just two days ago by guards with too much alcohol and nothing to do. She pulled further back into the shadows.? Some

You see? Something like that.

I would keep reading.

I have a few suggestions, put here into the text.

When Riley was first awakened by distant shouts coming from outside her cell, she curled up in the corner of her cell and prayed that it was another inmate going crazy on the guards -- and not the other way around.

["didn't think much of it": actually, she did -- she was afraid enough to curl up in a corner. And that's good for your craft. An event that MC doesn't think much of won't interest us either.

Adding the --: I had to reread a little without it to get what you meant.]

She knew all too well that the worst threat at Galkava was not the prisoners, but guards with too much alcohol and not enough to do. She felt her jaw where it was still bruised from her first experience with them just two days ago and tried to pull even farther back into the shadows.

[Paragraph]

A nearby gunshot made her jump and a short shriek escaped her throat before she managed to contain herself. There was more incoherent yelling following the shot, but then the voices drew closer and she was able to make out what they were saying.

["The source of the voices": that would only work if the voices had one source, as with a ventriloquist or impersonator. "Voices" would work.]

The thing is, she immediately starts thinking quite a bit about it. She's jumpy, and for her there is a real and immediate difference between the danger posed by another inmate going bonkers and danger of some guards deciding that it's time to play with the prisoners. She's not feeling detached or lethargic, and it isn't like she's been up for a while now listening to the shouts. So don't say things that you don't mean.