posted
Here's my first 13 for a novel, first draft already completed. I'd like your comments on this and also any volunteers to read the entire manuscript.
I was a seedling: a toddler barely sixteen years old and napping comfortably when I became entranced in the dream. My subconscious mind betrayed a hint of discomfort—a sensation akin to the prickly nip of a toper bush thorn, just grazing the skin. But this was somehow...enticing. I wanted more.
At the outset of the dream, the land was lush; blanketed with a curious carpet of spiky green and a flowery eruption of yellows, oranges and blues. Towering trees with long spindly arms were dotted compactly amongst the overgrown foliage and shrubs. Then, the land shifted, rearranging like the pieces of a puzzle. The peaceful scene gave way to something stark and cold in contrast. The nip came sharper this time, but I was not deterred. Dwellings, larger than any I had ever seen, stretched
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 08, 2007).]
posted
I like this. Very skilful, and you're telling us precisely what we need to know, I think.
Nits: but it’s was cry was not heeded -> but its cry was not heeded.
feeling every slight against it wailed -> feeling every slight against it, wailed
My home did not resemble this place -> I had never before seen such a place. (That is, it's almost comic understatement to say "my home does not resemble this place.")
I'm a little weary of the we're-raping-the-earth perspective, because it's so one-sided: the bad people build the buildings, and the good people mourn. But you have a great opportunity to make it new, in the way your MC is *tempted* by the city, even though he (she? it?) perceives it as evil.
posted
I should have made this clear before, but these lines are actually part of the prologue for the novel. I struggled with this but I actually needed chapter one to start at a different time, later in this character's life. I wrote the prologue in both first and 2nd person (sorry, I didn't save that version), but thought it worked better this way. Any suggestions?
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posted
Thanks for the suggestiions wbriggs, not nits at all, I truly appreciate any and all feedback. I wrote this novel feeling one day like it was great and the next like it was complete garbage (guess you all can relate, right??).
The "we've destroyed the earth" theme is actually secondary to the story, so I don't really spend a lot of time on it. Just intended to give motivation for us to explore the stars.
posted
It is an interesting premise, and the writing is intriguing and well-done.
I am confused about what is happening, though. Maybe I just don't get into a character that is a tree or plant or something (never really told what it is - just a seedling). I don't feel any emotional connection yet with the main character.
At first I thought the "dream" was literal, but then on second reading it seemed more allegorical or even reality seen from a skewed perspective.
I don't really know yet if this is something that I'd continue to read. I suppose it would depend on what the whole story is about (something I'd get off the back cover or from a review or something). It may just be that I need to give it a little more time, since this is the prologue and all. In my book, you do have good writing going for you, so I at least am hooked by the descriptions and uniqueness of it.
posted
For judging the first thirteen, it doesn't matter whether the opening is a prologue or not. All the word "Prologue" tells us is that we can expect that "Chapter 1" or whatever will be told from a different POV or will involve some other significant discontinuity like a major jump in time or space.
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