posted
this forum has been revised... for sake of confusion, i have just deleted this one. Please see "13 lines revised" by "I am Destiny". Thank you!!!!!!
[This message has been edited by I am destiny (edited January 10, 2007).]
posted
POV up front, if we don't know who's viewing the scene, then we have trouble caring. Let us know in the first line that Bob is trying to get to the generator...and that he isn't supposed to be there.
Some minor nits "holstered his gun in the holster from the stolen uniform" is both absurdly redundant and misleading. It implies that Bob has separated the holster from the uniform, and possibly that he would be expected to holster the gun in a different holster. "A man in an officer's uniform" is an officer, unless Bob has reason to believe otherwise. If he thinks the guy isn't an officer, then tell us why. "Bob snapped to attention like he had seen others do" is crying out for removal. He snapped to attention. Everyone snaps to attention "like he had seen others do." That's how anyone learns to snap to attention. And generally the motivation is exactly the same as Bob's, to avoid being hassled bo an officer. "He was smaller than Bob, he could kill him if he needed," makes two distinct mistakes. For one thing, grammatically this has to be read as "X was smaller than Bob, X could kill Y if X needed," which would indicate that the officer could kill Bob. While this is certainly true, this isn't what you probably mean. Second, we can presume that both men are armed and trained, obviously either can kill the other, size has nothing to do with it.
And then you reveal that Bob is wearing a uniform that has readily evident bloodstains on it. This is just silly. Furthermore, the very first thing he does is admit that he killed "an intruder." Since the best possible consequence of being believed would be a demand that he take the officer to the location of the incident (and much worse consequences are probable, particularly if he is not believed, I certainly wouldn't believe him), he could save himself a lot of time and risk by just killing the officer now.
posted
Survivor, while the things you've said here are insightful and incisive, they are a little harsh.
It's easy to get impatient with someone who makes mistakes that you've pointed out to other writers, but not everyone who posts here has learned from your feedback on previous 13-line offerings. They don't always see how useful what you say can be, and all they may notice are the words like "absurdly."
posted
Sorry about that. Plausibility nits are always such a pain to deal with, because of course they're intensely personal in every sense of the word. It's easy to seem like I'm attacking someone's intelligence or education. I've found that the more I explain why I find something implausible, the harsher it sounds, too.
There is nothing wrong with not already knowing a great deal about the realities of skulking about a military installation in perfidus for the purpose of sabotage, murder, and general mayhem. I don't really know anything about this sort of thing either. Not my line of work. I'm just a guy who likes to read.
posted
I can't care about paragraph 1, since I don't have a POV character or a reason to care about the mechanical difficulties.
>“Then come with me we will need new cables and connectors.” Run-on sentence. Also -- who said it?
>For a moment Bob sagged in relief in the darkness, it would be easy to get to the generator. Comma splice. Recommend Strunk & White's Elements of Style; some say the Chicago Manual of Style. Why's he in darkness?
>He ran his hand through his dark black hair and rubbed his blue eyes. He holstered his gun in the holster from the stolen uniform and headed for the generators.
Huh? Stolen uniform? What's going on?
>“Hey! You there, what are you doing?” A man in an officer’s uniform shouted at him. He was smaller than Bob, he could kill him if he needed, “and what’s that blood on your uniform?” Bob Comma splices again.
Aside from punctuation, the big issue for me here is that I don't know what's going on. Bob stole a uniform and he's in darkness. He knows why. We need to know why, too, if we're going to care. Tell us!
quote:“We are going to have to replace the whole control panel. It is shorted and cannot be fixed,” one of them said. “Then come with me we will need new cables and connectors.”
Not to bag on you, but this sounds awfully stiff. They aren't using contractions, and that sound robotic. They might speak this way if they're not speaking their native tongue, or if they were worried that someone within earshot (perhaps each other) might be an informer or political enforcer. Unfortunately, we don't know, so their speech just sounds awkward.
Something that occurred to me: Is "obviously inept or lazy" Bob's observation? If so, it reveals more about his prejudices and preconceptions than the mechanics' situation. Maybe they are slavishly following procedure in an oppressive environment. Maybe they're paid by the hour. Maybe they're just taking the time to do the job right.
Or maybe Bob is just contemptuous of such lowly beings.
I'm not saying you've done wrong here, it's actually a minor hook for me, the same with the mechanics' stilted dialog.
Finally, you gave something away in the intro that gave me pause. Frankly, I wouldn't be interested in reading about a person who always saves the day. A hero is only as good as the villains or obstacles he faces, and a Silver-Age Superman knocking down cardboard cutouts is boring.
Don't be discouraged, though. You've got a potentially interesting situation here. It just needs some cleaning up or clarification, IMHO.
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