This is the opening of my WIP. It looks to be about 5000 words give or take a few hundred.

For all recorded history and then some her people... I get it the second time through but the -and then some- slowed me down. why not just say since before recoreded time...

Its not quite ready for readers yet but I will definately shoot you a copy once Im a little closer to what I think finished looks like.

Whats the story about? Well.....

Its about the impotant goddess who is supposed to be performing her duties without feeling. She has done so for millennia but now is questioning the Oath that forces her to remain nuetral. She begins watching over a family but does not break her oath. She shares in the joys and the pain of the family and almost feels as if she is a part of them. When a series of gutwrenching tragedies strike the family her determination to abide by the laws of her oath are tested. I'm not going to tel you whether she breaks the oath or not. Honestly, I havent decided yet.

Otherwise, I like the idea and the writing is fairly clear and easy to follow.

Keep going.

1) Extra words:

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Laraleth walked her route amongst the ancient trees

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She stopped at one of the many trees she tended, the Keegan bloodline’s tree.

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2) Commas.

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Her senses stretched out[COMMA] caressing each fruit gently[COMMA] until she found the one she had been seeking. The small golden fruit was a representation of a mortal soul[COMMA] like every other fruit in the grove. She could see by the round shape that this was an infant[comma] but felt it more so with her outstretched senses. Unfortunately[Comma] the Keegan family’s new baby would not make it. It was her duty to reclaim the child’s soul. She closed her eyes and let out a remorseful sigh. She shook her head[COMMA] dissapointed[sic] in her own weakness. Since before recorded history, her people had tended the Evergrove, always with divine detachment, adhering to the Oath not to meddle in the affairs of mortals. She scolded herself[comma] but ...

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Oh, and I preferred your original version of "let out a remorseful sigh . . . shook her head".

Okay, now for what bothers me the most--your summary of what it's about. After reading the first thirteen, I'm expecting her to break her Oath--pronto. Whether that simply gets her in trouble with her peers, or whether her act of compassion causes untold misery that she could not have imagined, I don't know, but I want to find out. That seems, to me, like an interesting story, so I'd read on. But a story about a Goddess who's simply torn, and who maybe doesn't even decide to change--well, if I struggled through that, always expecting something to happen soon, and at the end, nothing did--well, I'd remember the author's name, I'll tell you that much.

Of course, that's only the impression I got from your synopsis. The story itself might (possibly) affect me quite differently.

With that in mind she stretched out her senses, caressing each small golden fruit gently, gleaning bits of mortal emotion as she went. She passed over hundreds of souls in search of the first to be reclaimed. She wrapped her senses around it fully.

How about this one? I prefer it to the original two. What do you all think?

In the second version, I miss the reference to the baby, and the fact that she didn't survive; I think that's more important emotionally than the detail of not letting the fruit touch the ground. "In search of the first to be reclaimed" isn't as striking as "until she found the one she had been seeking". The former sounds like she's looking for any old generic one that will end up being the first; the latter makes it sound like she was looking for one, and found it, and by the way, it's going to die. Not sure if that was your intent, but that's the way I took it.

So I might cut to this: "As Grove Tender, she scoured the Evergrove for souls ripe for reclamation, plucked them just before death, and NEVER let the fruit touch the ground, lest the soul be forever lost." But I might also cut that section out, and then slightly cut and rearrange. I have a nine-line version that I'll post or email if you'd like, and I don't think it changes the mood or misses any information that can't wait. The point is that you can probably get more important stuff up front.

Anyway, if you can cut even one or two lines, you'll be able to tell me about the baby that's going to die. Then I'll be all ears: I'll have the detachment of the goddess and the grief of a bereaved parent. (Or whatever else it is that "gets more involved" in the next few lines.)

To all,

The summary I gave previously has been revised.

The first soul reclaimed is that of an adult female who has something akin to lung cancer. It is a good death. A release from terrible agony. Laraleth continues about her duties but as she searches amongst the branches she touches a soul that is crippled by terror so powerful that she cant help but look deeper. She pushes her senses in so that she can see as the soul sees. It is a child hiding in a closet. Just outside the door she can hear screaming and the furniture breaking. She scours the thoughts of the child to find out whats happening. But the child is too terrified for her to get a good read. Someone pounds on the closet door and eventually breaks it open. She sees the mans eyes and looks into his soul, she tries to locate it amongst the fruit of the grove. But to do so she has to exit the boys POV and commune with another tree. By the time she finds it and enters the mans POV all she sees is blood. The boy is dead and she wasn't there to prevent the fruit from touching the ground. His soul is lost.

There is a bit more to the summary but I'll just leave it there for now. Any thoughts? Is it a story that interests you?

scott

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Laraleth walked amongst the trees of the Evergrove. Someone like her had always tended the grove, reclaiming and recycling souls, never interfering, with the divine detachment that the Oath demanded. She stopped at the Keegan bloodline’s tree and pressed her hands against its smooth trunk.

She stretched out her senses, caressing each small golden fruit, gleaning bits of mortal emotion as she went. She passed over hundreds of souls in search of the first to be reclaimed. She wrapped her senses around it fully.

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It's funny, but this is the same type of thing that King's Falcon did for me over here...

Also, yes, the story interests me. I don't know whether it's worth having a "good death" first -- it might be a distraction -- but in general the story sounds gripping.

scott

Here is a 4th revision (5th if you count Oliverhouses version). Getting better or worse?

[This message has been edited by trailmix (edited February 16, 2007).]

Laraleth walked amongst the ancient trees of the Evergrove. She has always tended the grove, harvesting the souls that hung like fruit from the branches of the Lineage Trees and recycling them, never interfering, with the divine detachment that the Oath demanded. She stopped at the Keegan bloodline’s tree and pressed her hands against its smooth trunk stretching out her senses, caressing each small golden fruit, gleaning bits of mortal emotion as she went. She passed over hundreds of souls in search of the first that was ripe for reclamation. She wrapped her senses around it fully. Panic gripped her. Her heart thudded deep in her chest, her throat tightened. Incomprehensible fear pierced her so deeply she barely recognized it was not her own. The small roundish fruit quaked in her grasp. She fought the impulse to harvest the fruit prematurely, to end the unbearable horror that saturated this poor soul.

Now, this beginning has more of a hook I think but everything happens so fast. If I start here the story will only be 1500 words or so. I would like to set up the action more instead of diving right in and show more character development.

The last line "After a few millennia despite her Oath, she had grown fond of the emotions of Man" foreshadows where this going. For me, this line and the lovely writing that came before it is the hook. I'd read on for this version but probably not the second.

The rest of my comments are nits.

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. . . and recycling them, never interfering, with the divine detachment that the Oath demanded.

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I don't think you need the "never interfering." It's probably laying it on a bit thick.

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She wrapped her senses around it fully.

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You could delete "fully" because it's implied when she wraps her senses around it.

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Immediately she felt the death . .

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The "immediately" can be deleted.

It might make it a bit clearer when Laraleth is surrounded by "family" if you say the "Keegan family members."

I think the second version is too much too quick. Also, she's already having trouble keeping the oath. I'd rather see her doing the job "right" before she decides to break the rules.

The world is growing quickly in my mind, which was the original intent on starting with this short story. I wanted to flesh out the history of a novel I have planned. I just can't seem to stop adding on to the story. Anyone else have this problem?

I am trying to finish this short story which I began over two years ago. Many of you have provided invaluable advice and so I beseech you again.

Please read the versions of my first 13 above and tell me what you think. One question I have specifically is whether it is important to know what her "job" is in the beginning or can I show you what she does?

I'm responding to your last posted version.

The tense changes don't work for me, so early at the start. I also find that second sentence too long now.

It is a bit of an impenetrable chunk of dense text. If you split it into paras of separate action, or when the emotional change begins, it will be easier to read.

As it is now, she is in search of the fruit, but you never actually show her finding it. I could do with knowing how she knew it was the one, and also some hint of what she planned to do with it - just touch it? Sense its emotional state? The transition is a bit too sudden.

I think you describe her "felt" fear too many times. The line about incomprehensible fear is great and negates the need for at least one of the preceding sentences.

It sounds a fascinating idea. I hope you get inspired again by it and get stuck in.

Laraleth walked amongst the ancient trees of the Evergrove carrying a wicker basket on her hip. She scanned the great boughs as she passed. Shimmering souls hung like fruit from the branches of the Lineage Trees.
She stopped at the Keegan bloodline’s tree and pressed her hand against its smooth trunk, stretching out her senses, caressing each small golden fruit, gleaning mortal emotion as she went. She passed over hundreds of souls in search of one that was ripe for reclamation. She wrapped her senses around it.
The soul was young, she could see it clearly by its round shape and but felt it more so through her connection with the tree. The Keegan family’s new baby would not make it.

Any tips for my newest 13?