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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » First 13 - After the Rapture

   
Author Topic: First 13 - After the Rapture
priscillabgoo
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Michael gazed out over the city’s rooftops, watching the pools of deep blue and purple shadow flow together to form the night sky. The huge crescent moon hung low, and glowed as orange as a cat's eye. Michael breathed in the crisp, cool fall air until his meditation was shattered by the sound of beating wings. Raphael glided down from the air above to roost beside him.

"I miss the smell of brimstone, Michael. Did you ever think that would be possible?" Raphael asked with a plaintive tone in his voice.

Michael contemplated his answer. “Possible? Yes, likely no. We have no place here.”

Once I finish this I will be caught up on all the half-done projects on my pc. Would you keep reading?

[This message has been edited by priscillabgoo (edited February 24, 2007).]


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trailmix
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Yes I would but the scene starts with Michael looking over the rooftops, then Raphael flies in and Gabriel asks Michael a question.

When the scene starts Micahael is alone or at least seems to be. Either you called Raphael, Gabriel or vice versa or you need to include Gabriel in the description of the opening scene.

Scott


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priscillabgoo
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Thanks for catching that. I changed the name, but not in both places. I've amended the posting.
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pixydust
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I think you could probably trim out a few words here and there. I put them in bold.

Michael gazed out over the city’s rooftops, watching the pools of deep blue and purple shadow flow together to form the night sky. The huge crescent moon hung low, and glowed as orange as a cat's eye. Michael breathed in the crisp, cool fall air until his meditation was shattered by the sound of beating wings.

This should be a new paragraph. Could even be in with the dialogue below it as the tag-->Raphael glided down from the air above to roost beside him.

Not sure I'd keep reading. I've kind of had with angel stuff. But that's just a personal thing...

[This message has been edited by pixydust (edited February 24, 2007).]


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wbriggs
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I'm confused. I thought they were demons, because they missed the smell of brimstone. But the names indicate that they're angels. They know, so I want to know too.
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RMatthewWare
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I agree with Pixy's suggested edits. Besides that, I have a problem with explanation in the dialog tag area. For example, "Raphael asked with a plaintive tone in his voice". The question itself tells me the tone.

I don't need to know that Michael contemplated the answer. Either just say, "Michael said" or Michael paused. Otherwise you could have a problem with POV.

But I like the idea. It's a hook for me.

Matt


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priscillabgoo
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I haven't done a lot of work on this as of yet, but I did make the suggested changes.

Michael gazed out over the rooftops, watching the pools of deep blue and purple shadow flow together to form the night sky. The crescent moon hung low, and glowed orange like a cat's eye. Michael breathed the crisp fall air; his meditation was shattered by the sound of beating wings.

Raphael glided down from the air above to roost beside him.

"I miss the smell of brimstone. Did you ever think that would be possible?" Raphael asked.

Michael paused before answering, “Possible? Yes, likely no. We have no place here.”

“Then what are we suppose to do?”

“Wait, Raphael. We are supposed to wait.”


[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 07, 2007).]

[This message has been edited by priscillabgoo (edited March 10, 2007).]


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Corky
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Is Michael talking to Raphael or Gabriel?
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RMatthewWare
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Much better.

Matt


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