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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Completed story looking for critiques

   
Author Topic: Completed story looking for critiques
djvdakota
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This is a long-forgotten remnant of Mike Munsil's Flash Challenge that I've been reworking lately. Less than 1000 words.

You may comment on the first 13 if you feel you must.

Tom shoved Harold Tueller overboard. Harold, Harold's hammock, Harold's trunk. Give them to the sea and let her cleanse them.

Harold was the last of them.

He listened as Harold's body thudded against _Nautica's_ side, then splashed into the sea. _Nautica_ creaked and groaned a eulogy. Tom bowed his head and let her speak, then said his amens and went back to work.

He walked along the rail first, touching the baited lines that trailed in the water. Four were heavy with catch. He would never be able to drag them in by himself. Not now. Food for Harold and himself, they had been.

He took his knife from his belt and cut the lines.

[This message has been edited by djvdakota (edited March 01, 2007).]


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Phanto
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I'll look at it.

yos _AT_ gis.net

replace the _AT_ with a @.

^^;;


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Dude
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I'll read.
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dee_boncci
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I'll read it. I might not get to look at it until Monday (my schedule says my novel draft is to be completed Sunday evening ) If that's not too late, send it along, and let me know if there are any particular points you want me to watch out for.


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RFLong
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I'll read.

R


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pixydust
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I'll read...
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Phanto
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As my email is having issues, though I did recieve the letter, I will not be able to respond until Thursday this week. Pardon the semi-delay.

~ Phanto


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Ruskin
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I'm new around here, and new to formal critiquing, but I'll try to give my input. The story looks interesting so far!
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DeepShadow
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I'll help, too.
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djvdakota
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No trouble waiting, Phanto. I'm a slow worker.

And RFLong, I need an email addy. If you don't want to post it on Hatrack you can email me directly and I'll send in a reply.


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DeepShadow
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I've got your reply coming tonight if possible. If you want to discuss any of it here, I'm game for that, too.
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DeepShadow
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One detail I neglected in the email: they've headed out from Spanish Town. I know there are plenty of towns with names like this, but we as writers are accused of being lazy when we use them. I'd pick a new name if I were you.
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djvdakota
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Oops!

[This message has been edited by djvdakota (edited March 17, 2007).]


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