posted
This is the opening of a short story I just finished. Any suggestions? Does it make you want to turn the page?
The first time Asher saw the boy, he was driving home from a Friday night party in his red Chevy. Asher didn’t really like parties. Most of the time he just stood in a corner, holding his cup of punch, watching the others laughing at somebody’s joke. He would wish he knew what the joke was, so he could laugh too. He would rather go over to Ben’s house and watch something out of his large movie collection than go to a stupid party. In fact, he wasn’t sure why he had gone to the party that night. He always felt lousy afterwards. Outside his truck, the quaint houses and yards of Steamboat glided past him. It was by no means a large town; it had maybe four hundred people. Like everyone else, Asher knew the whole place intimately. Posts: 15 | Registered: Mar 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
Okay, aside from some grammar issues, it's well-written. What I need, though, is a hook.
hook, noun: something that attracts attention or serves as an enticement: The product is good but we need a sales hook to get people to buy it.
There is nothing in your first 13 that makes me want to read more. Give me something that will grab my attention. Asher likes to drink blood, he's a zombie, his girlfriend is a werewolf. Does he suddenly look up and see a UFO gliding past? Something.
posted
There's nothing going on, nothing pulls me into the story.
quote: The first time Asher saw the boy, he was driving home from a Friday night party in his red Chevy.
What boy?
You mention one once, then no more about him.
What about this boy?
I don't really care about Asher being an outsider at parties right now...
You could tighten it up by simply writing:
The first time Asher saw the boy, it was on the way home from a party. A stranger stood out in the village of four-hundred people, like a car wreck. ...and get something exciting going.
A stranger in town is kind of like an automatic hook, but then you have got to do something with him. You can't just mention him in passing, unless within the next couple of lines something like:
The next time Asher saw him, the boy was lying in a bloody heap along the roadside, with a knife stuck in his back.
...is inserted.
four hundred people is hardly even a village, let alone a town.
As it sets, I'm definately not hooked. It's taking the long way of saying that your MC is bored.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 22, 2007).]
posted
Thanks everybody. In my head, "the boy" is supposed to be "the hook." I'm trying to introduce the MC, who, admittedly, leads a pretty boring existence until the beginning of the story, and at the same time, make the readers wonder about what's coming next. Could that possibly work?
I skimmed through OSC's How to write SF and Fantasy last year, and at one point, he uses a book called "Wild Seed" as an example. That book (which I haven't read) starts out something like, "Doro met the woman when he had gone to check on one of his seed villages that had been destroyed." If I remember right, the woman isn't mentioned again for a few paragraphs. I think I was unconsciously imitating that sentence.
Or am I just completely wrong? Should I get the action going right away, and explain who Asher is later?
PS: KayTi, I try not to do too much mayhem. And I see your point about pronoun confusion. How about, “The first time he saw the boy, Asher was driving…”
posted
If you want to write like Octavia Butler, you have to read her work. Wild Seed is an excellent novel. She does have a hook, she talks about the seed village. That caught my attention. You can't imitate her writing if you haven't read her. Not that you should. If you try to imitate style, it's going to be crap. You have to be unique. But if it's her TECHNIQUE you're looking for, go read it. Wonderful novel.
quote: "Doro met the woman when he had gone to check on one of his seed villages that had been destroyed." If I remember right, the woman isn't mentioned again for a few paragraphs.
More importantly, she didn't go on to say that he was bored roaming in his seed village, and he knew everyone, etc. After mentioning the woman, Octavia Butler goes on to describe what--of relevancy--had happened to the village. And Doro was the antagonist, which was also revealed by Butler's use of PoV.
That's why I said: The first time Asher saw the boy, it was on the way home from a party. A stranger stood out in the village of four-hundred people, like a car wreck. ...and get something exciting going.
Don't get me wrong, you take us into his PoV, but--for me--it's not where I want to be.
posted
Thanks again everybody. (And hopefully I will read Wild Seed soon, but I have about five other books on my desk to tackle first.) I skip right into the action in this version:
The first time he saw the boy, Asher was driving home from a party in his red Chevy. The boy was just standing in the middle of the one-lane road, looking at him. He seemed to have come out of nowhere. He was short, gaunt, maybe eleven years old, wearing tattered clothing. Asher took this all in rather fast, because he had to swerve to avoid hitting him. It was a rainy night, and the truck started spinning. For a second, Asher worried that the truck might hit the fence of a nearby house. Fortunately, it stopped spinning and came to rest about twenty feet past the boy. Asher swore and jumped out of the truck. “What in the heck do you think you’re doing, kid?” he yelled. The boy stared back at him with a deep urgency in his eyes. He started to move his lips.
[This message has been edited by joelman42 (edited March 23, 2007).]
posted
( Edit) this goes with the first version - have to love posting at the same time as it's being revised. )
Joelman, welcome.
You have a great example of why full omni is so hard to do. Yes you can do it. Yes, it is difficult to do well. The first line of your story is a tease. At that point we are willing to go around with you at least a few lines. The problem is after hinting that something is about to happen, nothing does. You start with a hook but can't land the catch. We wriggle off.
Something like:
The first time Asher saw the boy, he was driving home from a Friday night party in his red Chevy. Steamboat was not a large town and Asher knew everyone in it, some more intimately than others. Even with the novelty of a new face, Asher forgot about him as he suffered his usual post-party blues. It wasn't until . . .
Is a bit more compelling, but not perfect. I tend to dislike full omni where the author intrudes to say, "we didn't know it at the time but . . " because it is jarring and very few authors can do it well. I like the ability to delve into multiple characters thoughts though. Every POV choice has trade offs and challenges.
If you are going full omni, do it. If you are in Asher's POV, tell me why Asher notices/cares so I can. I don't need to be dragged into Asher's musings that his life is boring. Trust me, if you tell the story right, the reader will figure it out.
Check out some full omni works. Also read "Wild Seed."
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited March 23, 2007).]
posted
The second draft is much better. It focuses on the boy, which is the driving interest when you first lead in.
quote:He seemed to have come out of nowhere.
One of my big failings is passive vs. active voice, but I think this is passive. I think that
He came out of nowhere would work just as well.
quote:He was short, gaunt, maybe eleven years old, wearing tattered clothing. Asher took this all in rather fast, because he had to swerve to avoid hitting him.
Something about this feels and reads awkward to me, but I can't put my finger on it. Maybe someone else can, or I can come back to it.
posted
Full omni refers to a type of point of view: full omniscient.
Omniscient point of view means you are letting the reader see the story in the capacity of knowing everything every character is thinking. It's hard to do well because modern readers are more likely to be confused by it. It's better to give a reader one person's head at a time (per scene) to see into.
I'll have to make sure there is a list of links to point of view discussions in the FAQ (frequently asked questions) area.
IMJ the problem isn't that you mention the boy. Wild Seed: yes. If you keep your promises, we'll get to the boy later.
But what's going on before we meet the boy isn't interesting. (Even the MC is bored.) With Wild Seed, we were immediately faced with the genocidal destruction of a village, human corpses, and Doro's bizarre reaction to it all. We just need Asher's story to be interesting, right now.
Note: this was the first version. Now I've read the 2nd version. I'm still wondering what's the hook for this story. What's Asher going to be struggling with?
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited March 23, 2007).]
quote: The first time he saw the boy, Asher was driving home[, in the rain] from a party in his [red<---necessary?] Chevy. The boy was just [standing<--weakened verb and questions tense] in the middle of the [one-lane<--suggest alternate] road[, looking at him<---necessary?]. He [seemed to have come<---came?] out of nowhere. He was [a] short, gaunt, [maybe<--Is he or, isn't he?] eleven year[s<--not needed] old, wearing tattered clothing. Asher [took this all in rather fast, because he<---necessary?] had to swerve to avoid hitting him. [planted in the first line--->It was a rainy night,] [and<--no longer needed] [T]he truck started [to]spin [weakens verb--->ning]. [For a second,<---needed?] Asher worried that the truck might hit [the<--replace with-->a nearby] fence [of a nearby house<--no longer needed]. Fortunately, it stopped [spinning and came to rest<---needed?] about twenty feet past the boy. Asher swore and jumped out of the truck.
“What in the heck do you think you’re doing, kid?” he [yelled<---replace with--->said (if we can't tell he's yelling, it needs to be worded better)].
The[re was urgency in the] boy['s] [stared back at him with a deep urgency in his<---unneccessary] eyes.
I don't like anything about the last sentence.
Asher sounds like one of Santa's reindeer.
Though, it has a hook.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 23, 2007).]
posted
My 2cents on this bit joel/vanessa were commenting on:
quote:He was short, gaunt, maybe eleven years old, wearing tattered clothing. Asher took this all in rather fast, because he had to swerve to avoid hitting him.
Short and gaunt just don't seem to go together. Short and skinny. Frail. Stunted. waif.
And I think for me what made the second sentence in the above quote challenging is that it's describing an action, a violent one at that - swerving fast, but doing so in a rather nonchalant way, eh? "Asher processed this all in an instant, as he swerved violently to avoid the boy." Not necessarily much better - but trying to get at the immediacy.
I like the word "rather" and use it often in my writing, but here it just seems to slow the action down. Does this make sense?
posted
Maybe the problem is that you're starting at the wrong point in this story. The near accident might work better mentioned later.
"I remember the first time I saw the boy. Yep, it was out on the old Simmons road." Asher said. He took a long swallow of his beer, set the stein down on the bar, and wiped his mouth with his shirt sleeve. "And --?" John and Harry prodded him. "Did you know then?" Asher smiled. "It's a long story. How 'bout you buy a fresh round for us, John. Seeing's how we might be here a while."
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited March 27, 2007).]
posted
Thanks everybody. I haven't had time to come back to this thread; college life and all. All your advice has really helped. "The Fence" won second place at my school's fiction writing competition last week, which isn't a huge deal, but I'm pretty excited about it! I've got a long way to go, but hopefully I'll get the hang of this writing thing.
Posts: 15 | Registered: Mar 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
I'm way late here, but one reason why you can't look to <i>Wild Seed</i> for help is because it's a novel and you're writing a short story. Try reading more short fiction. Posts: 130 | Registered: Apr 2007
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
Should I get the action going right away, and explain who Asher is later?
