posted
Ben Jenson hustled through the crowd at L.A. International Teleportation and stepped onto one of the teleporters in the departure room. A soft and alluring voice said "Para espanol oprima el numero uno. For english press 2." He pressed 2 and put his destination card into a slot. In 15 minutes he was scheduled to present his paper on Gimler waves at the World Geophysics Symposium in Berlin.
"Have a good transport Mr. Jenson," the voice broke in. "You now have 8,104 frequent teleport miles. Thanks for teleporting with L.A. International." The machine revved and whined. He closed his eyes and waited for the flash of light that initiated teleportation. The teleporter snapped sharply then flashed. He hadn't even opened his eyes before a woman
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited April 09, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited April 09, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 09, 2007).]
posted
Reads fine to me except for the very first sentence
Ben Jenson hustled through the crowd at L.A. International Teleportation and stepped onto one of the teleporters in the departure room.
You might want to break this into two sentences. Since you place the departure room at the very end of the sentence there's a visualization jolt. Otherwise, reads fine to me. (I like the commentary on the national language.)
posted
Got a relative, last name is spelled Jenson...so grabbed it, liked the unusual spelling. Ok, this will likely be short, at or under 2,000 words, yes would love to have you and others crit the thing when it is complete. All I would like now is simple, would you keep reading? Oh yes, the spelling....I get a little out of it when doing this late at night!
Posts: 409 | Registered: Feb 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
But your name is nitewriter, don't you do better at night?
I liked the tone and I did chuckle a bit.
Believability is slightly off for me. If he has that many frequent teleporter miles, why did the machine not work? Are they prone to doing things like this? Or is it just him? Since he closed his eyes before it started, I was thinking that he doesn't like the teleporter, which might explain something. I guess, I'd like something here about how he's feeling about the teleporter. Of course, that depends on if this is important, and what he'll do next.
posted
I would definitely keep reading. *checks spelling on definitely and then continues*
"His disbelief turned to shock, then horror."
I found this odd, since the disbelief wasn't explicit before this sentence. There was surprise ("startles") in the previous sentence. So, maybe it would work better if his surprise could turn to shock and then horror?
The frail old lady is a bit cliché, but she works well in this scene because of how it reads. Good job
I didn't wonder about why it happened to him. Even with well established technology, rare and weird glitches will happen. (In this case, the explanation could be a failsafe for cargo transportation that ignores organic matter, thus taking clothes but not the human being.)
Overall, I like it. The above is just suggestions and musings.
* Tell us more about Ben's thoughts. Not much more, but since he's used to flicking over, he'll be thinking about his paper, or his argument with his wife, or something, while this is going on.
* You've got to read some of Larry Niven's great stuff on teleportation, especially "Theory and Practice of Teleportation" (in which he examines, for example, what situation would lead to this airport-like scenario you have), and "Flash Crowd."
posted
Ben Jenson hustled through the crowd at L.A. International Teleportation and stepped onto one of the teleporters in the departure room(1). A soft and alluring voice(2) said "Para espanol oprima el numero uno. For english press 2." He pressed 2 and put his destination card into a slot. (3) In 15 minutes he was scheduled to present his paper on Gimler waves at the World Geophysics Symposium in Berlin. (4)
"Have a good transport Mr. Jenson," the voice broke in. "You now have 8,104 frequent teleport miles. Thanks for teleporting with L.A. International." The machine revved and whined. He closed his eyes and waited for the flash of light that initiated teleportation (5). The teleporter snapped sharply then flashed. He hadn't even opened his eyes before a woman (6)
(1)I agree with robertq, this sentence seems too long. Perhaps if it was something like“Ben Jenson hustled through the crowd at L.A. international, until he reached the departure room. Once there, he stepped..” This would make it one complex thought, instead of two pasted together.
(2)One of these modifiers could go. I would choose alluring, because it implies softness.
(3) I think “He pressed two and inserted his destination card.” would smooth this out.
(4) I would change this sentence around. “In 15 minutes he was scheduled..” is less interesting than something like “He was scheduled to present his paper on Gimler waves in fifteen minutes at the…”
(5) “of light” is redundant, I figure any flash is a flash of light. And is “initiated” the right word here? Does the light cause the teleportation, or is it a by-product of it? And how does Ben react to this light? Does he find it disorienting, fun, or is he indifferent to it, because he’s been through the process so many times? I know you implied this last part, but some “hot” writing (penetration into Ben’s thought process) would have spiced the narrative up.
(6) How does a teleporter snap sharply? Is it a lid closing, a snap sound, or does the teleportation pod jerk forward? This could be clarified.
I read the fragment before the end was edited out, and with that, I remember chuckling. When the sentence ended abruptly, I was disappointed, because I wanted to know what happens. So you definitely had my attention. Interesting idea.
On a side note, the main character of the novel I’m writing is named Ben Benson. What a coincidence, huh?
posted
WOW! Incisive comments all! Thanks to all of you. The comments were IMHO valid enough to act on all of them. First sentence IS too long, know it and shoulda known it owuld not fly. Thx also to wbriggs for his suggestion on Niven and teleportation - I will check it out - and his crits are always on target. Yes - this is a story about how technology, no matter how good, can always go wrong. I was amazed at the observation by Lehollis as yes, I thought of this too - teleporting organic matters versus inert matter - THX to you all. Now back to the drawing board, will look for readers when done - that is if I can work the bugs out of my e mail system!
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited April 10, 2007).]
quote: Ben Jenson hustled through the crowd at L.A. International Teleportation[period, IMHO] [Heinstead of and] stepped onto one of the teleporters in the departure room. [From here...]A soft and alluring voice said "Para espanol oprima el numero uno. For english press 2." He pressed 2 and put his destination card into a slot.[...to here, he would be accustomed to. It would be a part of the background at the terminal] In 15 minutes he was scheduled to present his paper on Gimler waves at the World Geophysics Symposium in Berlin. [How does he feel about the symposium?] "Have a good transport Mr. Jenson," the voice broke in. "You now have 8,104 frequent teleport miles. Thanks for teleporting with L.A. International." [I like this. He would probably take an interest--even if slight--in the accumultatedfrequent teleporter miles.] The machine revved and whined.[While this is part of theusualprocess, you could expand on some of Ben's feelings.] He closed his eyes[like why does he close his eyes here? Is he afraid of the process. Did he open his eyes once, and what he saw freaked him out?] and waited for the flash [necessary?-->of light] that [initiated<-->indicated?] teleportation. The teleporter [Can't picture this-->snapped sharply then] flashed. [How many times is it going to flash?] He hadn't even opened his eyes before a woman
It is interesting, and I would be willing to see where you were going with it.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited April 10, 2007).]
Printer-friendly view of this topic
It's a scandanavian thing, I'm sure. 
