posted
Here is my short story. It sits steady at that 23,000 word no man's land. It's a great story, with the strongest plot of any of the stories I've written. I could bring myself to cut off five thousand words, if necessary, but that's a drastic surgery.
quote: Gareth’s father, Lt. Colonel Leroy Jacobs, was an optimistic and aggressive clergyman. He introduced Gareth to addiction when Gareth was nine years-old. Addiction was pile of bones named Amy, with blotchy, mix-matched skin stretched over her joints, but even as Amy’s methamphetamine-charged nervous system commanded her ticking limbs and fingers, the Lt. Colonel saw hope in her sunken eyes and scratched arms. The scrapes that would heal with antiseptic and faith in the Lord, and while not every patient would replace the numbing effects of hooch or heroine with the love of Jesus Christ, he believed that all patients at the Salvation Army Rehabilitation Clinic, especially the teenagers, should. It was a special class of sin to lose faith in the redemptive powers of a teenager.
[This message has been edited by Tanglier (edited April 14, 2007).]
posted
I was surprised at what I could cut when I got down to it on my short story. I went from 6100 words to 4955 somewhat easily (with a little help from my hatrack friends...) 18% reduction, on a smaller base. True, I had to put a few nifty world-building ideas aside for future stories, but they didn't belong in a piece this short anyway. Let Oliverhouse have a look at it.
but meanwhile - on your fragment... I'm curious how a 9 year old cares about saving the soul of a teenage addict who sounds revolting...but presumably you address that.
What's mix-matched skin? Mis-matched is what I think I expected and read the first 2 times through, but then I realized it actually said mix-matched. At first (again, danger of a sci-fi/fantasy audience, they take you literally!) I thought Amy might be a robot/drone/cyborg of some sort. I think she's just a girl, but this characterization makes her seem not very girl-like. I know addicts aren't very girl-like, but just giving you some reactions to ponder.
That last sentence is a doozy - on my window it lasted 3 lines. Can you chop it up? The last clause can standalone and migh have more punch/power as a separate sentence. It was a special class of sin to lose faith in the redemptive potential of a teenager.
This last point is not particularly constructive, but just an observation. There are a lot of long words in here. It's really dense. I just finished a novel that did this the entire text, and I have to say it was a little exhausting. Something to think about if you find that this is your style throughout the work.
Am I hooked? Maybe. Not really sure yet (but could just be me because I'm not much for the drug/salvation angle.)
posted
I agree with what has been said by KayTi. Last sentence could be shortened. Why not "meth-charged" instead of "methamphetamine-charged" I would like to see more interaction between Jacob and Amy that demonstrates his optimistic and aggressive nature - don't tell us that, let us "discover" that through his actions. Also had a problem with "mix-matched skin." How about "mottled skin."
Posts: 409 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
I found it mildly interesting (meaning that I would read on, but I'm not totally hooked yet).
This piece is quite dense, which helps to get a lot into a small space, but it made for slower reading. This may be what you're after, and if so, great going. If not, you might want to spread things out a bit here and there, as pointed out already, so that it flows better and is easier to feel the story.
It seemed to me that the POV was off here. I read the Gareth's father part and figured the POV would be Gareth, but I never felt like I was inside his head. In fact, I felt like it was more from the father's POV. In which case, I didn't need to know about Gareth in the first few words.
I also thought she was some sort of frankenstein-esse or inhuman because of your word choice.
posted
This was difficult for me to parse through. The biggest problem is POV. It's entirely the Lt. Colonel, but you open with a mention of Gareth.
Some of the other things that threw me out were "introduced Gareth to addiction" and "addiction was Amy". I know what you are trying to say here, but it's clumsy as written. Also, the laat portion is heavy on the telling with no showing: he knew he knew he believed
At this point I'm not hooked. Is there something special about the situation the reader should know?
posted
The paragraph wavers between being about Leroy's relationship to Gareth and being about his relationship to Amy. I would say you should pick one. (If you want to discuss both, new paragraph.) As it is, you do show his relationship to Amy, but it's hard to see how this affects Gareth, so I'd say it's about Leroy & Amy.
"introduced Gareth to addiction" and "addiction was a pile of bones named Amy": each of these sets up an interpretation that must be discarded, and that's work on the reader. Best to be clear up front: "showed Gareth the consequences of addiction" and "the addict was a pile of bones named Amy."
This is summary. Summary's OK to skip the boring parts, but we'll want to get to the interesting parts, the action/dialog/etc. So I think you should drastically shrink this (tell us Jacobs is a clergyman working rehab) and then get to action.
Nit: I spent the paragraph assuming Jacobs was a chaplain. Tell us he's Salvation Army Lt. Colonel and this would clear it up for me at least.
Despite my complaints, if I have faith in the author here (that I'll get the story told to me clearly and quickly), I *am* hooked, because I think I like Jacobs and I look forward to seeing how he's going to deal with a real trouble case.
posted
I think the first line is off. It introduces Gareth, but then ignores him. It felt like PoV confusion to me, also. I see how it is also building on Gareth's relationship with his father, but in the end it seems much more about his father and he is gone from the story already.
I also agree you should clarify the Sal. Army information earlier. I think you could slip it in along with the full name and rank.
However, I was interested. That surprised me, actually. I would like to know what is going to happen. I would keep reading, but I would be disappointed if it didn't get into something meaty--action and dialogue--quickly after this paragraph.
[This message has been edited by lehollis (edited April 10, 2007).]
posted
Aha! interesting. I thought Gareth *became addicted* to Amy...dad got him hooked on the drug, which was Amy. Hmm...reading wbrigg's feedback, I think actually it's that dad was showing gareth what addiction looked like, in the person of Amy.
Interesting misunderstanding that you should be aware of. Again these darn sci-fi/fantasy types take you literally. Gotta watch out for us!
quote: Gareth’s father, Lt. Colonel Leroy Jacobs, was an optimistic and aggressive clergyman.[I realise that you're using 3rd person omni, but I think it would be better from one person's perspective] He introduced Gareth to addiction when [Gareth<--Did you know this was used twice in one sentence?] was nine years-old[in the form of a teenage girl named Amy. I think this would clarify the exposition a bit.] [Addiction was pile of bones named Amy, with... I would change to: "She was a bag of bones with mottled..." I agree that mottled is a better word than the bulky: blotchy, mix-matched ] skin [stretched over her joints<--isn't this the same as:"pile of bones"], but even as Amy’s meth[I'm in agreement that amphetamine is unnecessary]-charged nervous system commanded her ticking limbs and fingers, [Stiff and formal. Instead of the Lt. Colonel how about Leroy or Gareth's dad?] saw hope in her sunken eyes [necessary?-->and scratched arms]. [Name, not rank The Lt. Colonel] knew the slight scrapes would heal with antiseptic and faith in the Lord. He also knew that not every patient would replace the numbing effects of [ I thought it was METH hooch or heroine] with the love of Jesus Christ[I think you should end the sentence here. B]ut he believed that all patients at the [I agree with wbriggs that this -- introduced so late -- threw me: Salvation Army] Rehabilitation Clinic should[and IMHO there should be a period here. He believed] it was a special class of sin to [wouldn't "...give up on..." be a shorter, clearer way of saying: lose faith in the redemptive potential of a?] teenager.
I don't know why this is relevant.
It's an interesting look into Garreth's old man, and I glean a lot of his personality from this, but what is the story about?
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited April 10, 2007).]
quote:Aha! interesting. I thought Gareth *became addicted* to Amy...dad got him hooked on the drug, which was Amy. Hmm...reading wbrigg's feedback, I think actually it's that dad was showing gareth what addiction looked like, in the person of Amy.
posted
I cut it down the sixteen thousand words even. I cut out a whole plot line. It's short enough to send out to writers of the future.
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posted
For what it's worth, Tanglier, I am fully hooked, and curious about where this will end up. I feel like I already know who Leroy Jacobs is. There's been some discussion about POV mismatch here, but I think it works well. We know that Gareth is the main character, and he's being exposed to the rather gritty world his father works in.
posted
I agree that there is a POV issue here - who is your POV character? If it's Gareth, consider changing to first person:
quote:My father was an optimistic and aggressive Salvation Army clergyman. He introduced me to the ravages of addiction (in the form of a pile of bones named Amy) when I was nine years-old. How the Lt. Colonel saw hope in her sunken eyes and scratched arms I'll never know...
If the POV is Leroy, don't introduce us to Gareth in the very beginning - it can wait.
Also, I found myself experiencing a series of misunderstandings about the situation (what did Leroy addict Gareth to - oh, he addicted Gareth to Amy - or maybe Gareth saw Leroy addicted to Amy). Although I did eventually catch on (I know Amy is the addict), the confusion almost put me off. Were you trying to be cleverly misleading? If so, be careful - you may put people off (especially this early in the story).
All that said, I am interested in reading further to see where you are going to take me.
[This message has been edited by NoTimeToThink (edited April 14, 2007).]
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I think she's just a girl, but this characterization makes her seem not very girl-like. I know addicts aren't very girl-like, but just giving you some reactions to ponder.
