quote:

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Weariness is not a trait of the unfaithful, surrender is. Killien had lived by that rule. Now, he might have to die by it.

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The way this is written, I got the impression that Killien is one of the unfaithful who has come to surrender and probably will be killed. Which makes me very curious about why he'd do such a thing. Why not run and live another day? Especially since it appears in the next sentence that he's having to search out the very people who are going to probably kill him. Also, are you saying that he isn't weary after is long trek? How is weariness an opposite trait from surrender? How is weariness a trait, for that matter?

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After a long and lonely trek, Killien had found it. Overlooking the Kronyx Field where most of the fighting took place, the camp lay sprawled on the rocky lip of a cliff.

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Killien had found what? It? Why not just say "...Killien had found Kronyx Field"? The way you have it written, I initially thought that Killien was overlooking the field, but it's obvious later that he's overlooking the (enemy?) camp. And, yes, I assume he must be overlooking it in order to see all the various things you describe. After re-reading, though, and due to the sentence structure, I assume that the camp is supposed to be on a cliff that overlooks the battle field. But how can Killien see so much it the camp if it's on a high cliff? How can a camp sprawl on a *lip* of a cliff? I also didn't get on the first reading that Kronyx Field was the battlefield. It wasn't until the end that I realized that the battle was still going on. So why has he come to surrender when he could be fighting?

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Overcooked food and a nearby horses' keep gave the air an unsettling stink.

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Um, why not just say "overcooked food and horse manure"? Unless you think that horses themselves stink? How can a stink be unsettling? Why would a food and manure smell make him afraid/nervous?

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Riders fresh from the fight stirred the road coming up the hill into a frenzied dust storm.

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How about "Riders fresh from the fight stirred the road into a frenzied dust storm as they raced up the hill?" Or did you mean that they stirred the road in reaction to riding into a dust storm, which is how it seems to read right now?

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One rider jumped from his horse before it came to a full stop. Another helped him carry a body into the main tent. Then, they rode back down the trail into the setting sun towards the lower fields and the fight.

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Where did the body come from? Was the body on one of the horses (which would be a horrible way to transport a wounded person and an inefficent way to transport a dead one) or did they come to help out in camp (i.e. pick a body up that was already there)? If the dude is dead (which is the impression I get from 'body'), why are they bothering with moving it right now if there is fighting currently going on? Why is the camp and the healers so far from the battlefield, anyway? Main tent? He can tell which is the main tent? Since healers are running all over the place, I assume this isn't The Healers Tent, but why take a dead body into a tent, anyway? And it's getting dark, and they're still fighting? Hmmm.

Basically, I have a lot of 'I'm confused' questions. I've also totally lost sight of Killien at this point. I think that clearing up the grammar will fix a lot of these confusions.

Also, some of these sentences could be shortened without losing what you mean to say. Like, is it really necessary at this point to tell us that only men are healers? Why not just say that 'the healers' were running around?

Have you done much research into old-time battlefields and such? It doesn't seem like it from what you've written. If you haven't done the research, please know that those who do know about them will notice the inaccuracies.

Good luck on revisions.

quote:

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Weariness is not a trait of the unfaithful, surrender is. Killien had lived by that rule. Now, he might have to die by it. After a long and lonely trek, Killien had found it.[Found WHAT?] Overlooking the Kronyx Field [<--What's this? I ASSUME it's significant, because you named it.] where most of the fighting took place, the camp lay sprawled on the rocky lip of a cliff. [Men of healing<--Healers? Paramedics? Medics? Sages? Shamans?] ran across the [needed?-->beaten] path between rows of tents. [needed?-->The urgency of life and death bit at their heels.] [Where were they hurrying to? Were they hurrying to a medic tent?; Tim Horten's?; wounded? Why do you change the subject again?] Overcooked food and [a nearby horses' keep -- or a stable? The wording is wierd, and it tripped me up.] gave the air an unsettling stink. Riders fresh from the fight[What fight? Was it a battle. War? Between who? stirred the road coming up the hill[I thought you said it was a cliff?] into a frenzied dust storm.
One rider jumped from his horse before it came to a full stop. Another helped him carry a body into the main tent. Then, they rode back down the trail into the setting sun towards the lower fields and the fight.[Is Killien a healer? If not, WHERE DID KILLIEN GO?]

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So, IMHO some questions might be ok as long as you can minimize confusion.

This sentence is confusing:

"Riders fresh from the fight stirred the road coming up the hill into a frenzied dust storm."

Sounds like the road is coming up the hill. Tighten it up:

Riders fresh from the fight stirred the prarched road into a frenzied dust storm.

or

Riders fresh from the fight thundered into camp. (Slightly different picture but still shows action.)

Marly

Weariness is not a trait of the unfaithful, surrender is. Killien had lived by that rule. [I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE RULE.] Now, he might have to die by it. After a long and lonely trek, Killien had found it. ["IT" MEANS THE RULE? TELL US WHAT "IT" IS.] Overlooking the Kronyx Field where most of the fighting took place, the camp [WHAT CAMP? IF YOU SAID "A CAMP," I WOULDN'T WONDER.] lay sprawled on the rocky lip of a cliff. Men of healing [I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE OR WHAT IT MEANS] ran across the beaten path between rows of tents. The urgency of life and death bit at their heels. [FEELS LIKE WE'RE IN THEIR POV NOW, NOT HIS?] Overcooked food and a nearby horses' keep gave the air an unsettling stink. [I THOUGHT WE WERE WITH KILLEIN, LOOKING AT A CAMP LAYING SPRAWLED ON THE ROCKY LIP OF A CLIFF. HOW CAN HE SMELL IT FROM A DISTANCE?] Riders fresh from the fight stirred the road coming up the hill into a frenzied dust storm.

One rider jumped from his horse before it came to a full stop. Another helped him carry a body into the main tent. Then, they rode back down the trail into the setting sun towards the lower fields and the fight. [WHO'S SEEING THIS?]

Killien is weary from a long lonely trek, but at last he's found the enemy camp (or something that is in the enemy camp). This is a Holy War, and Killien is one of the Faithful, so he will not surrender - he is about to risk his life. The camp is in the aftermath of a battle (which they must have won, or they would not be able to retrieve their wounded).

How close is that to what you were trying to say?

I'd be interested in reading more....