Basic outline:

Woman goes to a home to enforce broken rules. The penalty is that the home and all possessions in it burn. When she arrives, she realizes it is an orphanage. Over time she researches, questions rules. Ends up having to enforce rules on her husband (Less). Eventually "changes sides" to fight rules.

This is the beginning of a serial novel (or really, twin serial novels told on opposite sides of the same world) that my brother and I are working on. The first "episode" should be 4-5000 words.

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This was the third house this month. Kaiel didn’t know if the number of nonconformists was rising, or if the Fair were doing a better job of detection, but it really didn’t matter. Esiac’s will would be done, Less said it was so didn’t he?

A little girl looked out the window, peeking around aged but well kept drapery. Her hair was short, face freckled, teeth straight, body lean. All as would be expected of a young girl in Rild. But her eyes. She never got used to the fear in the children’s eyes. Kaiel's simple (some said plain) beauty and long light hair used to put children at ease. Her height made her the mountain of choice for them to climb.

Now her rigid uniform and commanding voice frightened little children. But she had a job to do.

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Does it hook you? What works and what doesn't?

quote:

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Esiac’s will would be done, Less said it was so didn’t he?

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I'm finding this a bit awkward. I'd suggest something along the lines of: Esiac's will would be done, Less had said so, hadn't he?

I'm not sure about the second paragraph. Going from the descirption of the girl, to the description of Kaiel is a bit too much information. Maybe start with the bit about not being used to the fear in childrens eyes and up to: she had a job to do... then the bit about the girl. That way, you are not jumping from Kaiel, to the girl, back to Kaiel.

I think it should be at, not of detection?

Does it hook? Not sure.. maybe less description and more action is needed. Maybe concentrate on the girl in the window and you'll have a better hook and describe Kaiel later, there's plenty of story to do that in.

How many words are you planning to write and how much have you done already? Is it a short story or a novel. You've put in your outline that its a novel, but its on the short story topic board?

You are right, it should be "at detection" =)

Not bad. As darklight said, "Less said it was so didn’t he?" needs a comma or so to make it flow better. Here "She never got used to the fear..." is a bit confusing because you go from Kaiel's POV ('outside') to the child's ('inside') and then out again. "Kaiel's simple (some said plain) beauty and long light hair used to put children at ease. Her height made her the mountain of choice for them to climb." rather detracts from the immediacy of the situation, whatever it is, and unless Kaiel is thinking about how her affinity with children will help or hurt her mission (seems hurt, because of the misgivings she has in "didn't he?" and the summary)it does not add to the scene. Otherwise, your sentences are okay.

I am interested in seeing what the organization "the Fair" who apparently police "nonconformists" are, but this opening doesn't intrigue me enough about them or about who Kaiel is. You do, though, know what you're doing with the plot idea and with suggesting strangeness and drama in the first few lines, it just needs to be more pointed.

quote:

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This was the third house[For what?] this month. Kaiel didn’t know if the number of nonconformists was rising, or if the Fair were doing a better job of detection, but it really didn’t matter.[If it doesn't metter why mention it?] Esiac’s will would be done, Less said it was so[,] didn’t he?

A little girl[Who? What's her name?] looked out the window, peeking around [aged but well kept drapery<--a little awkward]. Her hair was short, face freckled, teeth straight, body lean.[<--sounds info-dump-ish] All as would be expected of a young girl in Rild[Where?]. But her eyes.[<--Fragment. And, it is confusing. The girl's eyes were different than any other young girl in Rild?] She never got used to the fear [So, this is common: the fear in their eyes?] in the children’s eyes. Kaiel's simple [(some said plain)<--necessary?] beauty and long light hair used to put children at ease. Her height made her the mountain of choice for them to climb.[<--What?]

Now her rigid uniform and commanding voice frightened little children. But she had a job to do

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I think you should spend less time having the MC postulate, and tell the story while she's doing her job -- which is what exactly? If I knew what her Job was, or who the others were, I might be hooked, but as it sets, I'm not. I'm left confused, with unanswered questions.

Anyway - his writing lesson about it is interesting because it goes through the process of his decision to use her POV temporarily for the intro. You might find it helpful as you work through the tricks about how to handle your intro.

I suggest a change in name - Less is hard to recognize as a name. I fully expected that sentence to read, "Less is more, eh?"

The referent gets a little lost in the "a little girl" paragraph. You talk about the girl, then you say "She never got used to the fear..." - you're back in the POV of the MC, but the switch isn't entirely clear. I spent at least 5 seconds trying to figure out if the girl was not used to the fear or the woman.

FWIW, I read the name Kaeil as sounding like gail. I liked it, and it seemed like it could be the name for a male or female. Esiac I skipped over, re-reading it, I'm reminded of the name of one of the first computers (the Eniac, or something like that?) My main reaction is that I'm wanting to pronounce all the vowels separately, which makes that word (Esiac) have a lot of syllables for its length. Essac...Essic. Siac. Cais. Ezac. Ezic. I have no idea, just throwing out some ideas. Or choose vowels that blend better (I'm reminded of the name Esau, from the Bible. The vowels blend.)

Some readers will actively avoid books where they can't pronounce the names. Even though we don't read aloud (necessarily), people do mentally pronounce the new words they read, and if something seems unpronounceable or strange, it can be a real tripping up point.

quote:

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Esiac’s will would be done, Less said it was so didn’t he?

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