posted
A man – older, bordering, in fact, on old – walks the streets, a walking staff clutched in his hand. The cold steel and reflective glass gleam in the bright sun. On the street, the crowds walk around the man. No one acknowledges his existence. Not even a glance to show that he is there. They interact with each other. A glance, a word, a muttered curse at an accidental collision as both parties go their own way their glances tinted, for a moment, with faint distaste which fades within seconds as the event if forgotten. No one collides with the man. The others weave, working hard to avoid a bump, an accidental, momentary contact, but the man walks straight as an arrow – straight as bullet – and no one bumps him.
He ignores them. His eyes never rest, looking across the street
These are the first 13 lines of a short story I've been working on. I'm looking for people willing to look at the whole thing, and I'd like to know what people think of these first lines. Thanks.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 29, 2007).]
quote: A[n older] man[What is his name?] [– older, bordering, in fact, on old –<--This breaks up the rhythm and it's kind of clumsy-cluttered.] walks the streets, a walking staff clutched in his hand. The cold steel and reflective glass[What glass and steel?] gleam in the bright sun. On the street, the crowds walk around the man. No one acknowledges his existence. Not even a glance to show that he is there. They interact with each other. A glance, a word, a muttered curse at an accidental collision as both parties go their own way their glances tinted, for a moment, with faint distaste which fades within seconds as the event if forgotten.[Who collided and why is it important?] No one collides with the man. The others weave, working hard to avoid a bump, an accidental, momentary contact, but the man walks [straight as an arrow <-–pick one--> straight as bullet] and no one bumps him.[This is the second time you've said this, is it important that he get bumped? Is he trying to get bumped?] He ignores them. His eyes never rest, looking across the street [<--Actual End of 13 lines]in front of him, scanning the sky above him His eyes look through the people surrounding him, past them, searching for something beyond their insubstantial forms. That is what they are to him. They are smoky, insubstantial wisps and they ceased to distract him long ago.
No Hook.
IMHO this is not urgent enough for present tense.
By the end of the 13 lines I don't know what is going on, or why I should turn the page.
The collision only served to stop you from getting to slow the pace down.
No discernable PoV.
What genre is the story?
How long is it? Maybe if you switched to past tense, and started with the hook, that is almost hidden within the last paragraph.
Suggest something like: (Name) flowed through the crowds as if they were nothing more than smoke. In fact, for him, they were just as insubstantial. He scanned the congested sidewalks for the enemy...
...or some such.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited May 29, 2007).]
posted
My initial question is, "older than what?" Older is subjective, depending on who is reading. The fact that you are 20 means that you need to specify what "older" means.
The cold steel and reflective glass gleam in the bright sun. Cold and gleam are two different senses - keep the description of the sense you want to focus on. Wouldn't hot steel gleam the same way? Plus, if the glass is reflective, it will gleam. Having both is redundant. Try to pare away needless words - it'll keep your prose more direct and clear.
I'm getting the feeling that, as you were writing this, that you were feeling a sense of tension that you wanted to impart into the story. Unfortunatly, there is no tension here. It seems more like a slow motion dream state, with the main character (whom I know nothing about) in focus and the remainder of people milling about him. Remember that he is the center of your story - sharpen your focus on him, let the other people collide with each other in only the most cursory way.
My interest is not piqued enough to continue reading much further. Make something happen - quick - before I put it down. Not huge action, not a sudden burst of activity, just... something.
posted
The Good News: Your writing is clean enough I am confident you're going to deliver. Very, very clean for a critique forum. The Bad News: Kathleen's going to come in here any minute and truncate this, because you're about three lines over quota. !_!
My only quibbles are: The apparent paradox of "Not even a glance... They interact..." Sure it becomes clear you've changed subjects, but I have to pay attention. Since you haven't brought the concept fully to the page at that point, though, you especially don't want me hung up here, trying to figure it out. Clean it up! And "The cold steel and reflective glass gleam in the bright sun"...well, it's effective in pulling us into a modern city. But no more. "Cold steel" is as old a phrase as modern English, and "reflective glass" is what we might term a redundancy, in terms of creative writing. Even "murkily reflective tinted glass" would be more effective, if exceedingly awkward in the style of such word-blugeon-weilders as I am.
InarticulateBabbler is right about the main hook not being in these first lines, but I'd hang in there a few more paragraphs. The concept is eerie enough, I'd like to hear more. As long as the following line's hook isn't a smoking corpse, that is.
posted
A man walks the streets, a walking staff clutched in his hand. He is past his prime, and the signs of age show clearly in his face. He walks past windows that reflect the morning sun back at him, past buildings that tower high above his head, and past crowds that fail to notice him. He ignores them. His eyes never rest, looking across the street in front of him, scanning the sky above him. His eyes look through the people surrounding him, past them, searching for something beyond their insubstantial forms. That is what they are to him. They are smoky, insubstantial wisps and they ceased to distract him long ago.
It is darker shadows that he focuses on now. They remain on the edge of his vision – flitting from his gaze –
------ In answer to InarticulateBabbler's questions, the story is 2700-2800 words and would best be qualified as Contemporary Fantasy.
I've revised the first few lines. I'd appreciate hearing what people think about these. I've removed most of the information about the crowds, which helps the story to get to the point, but I think that information helped to create the idea of how alone the man is, which is an important part of the story. Would it be workable to include that information later?
posted
I think that is much better. Do _you_ like it? ^_^
The "substantial shadows" line draws us into a clearer idea of what's going to be focal in this story.
You can involve the specifics about his walking later, no problem, once you've established what the old man's up to. In fact, you've already hinted at the fact they CAN'T see him, and the further explanation will be necessary. I'll read the rest of this for you if it's a pretty low PG-13. (Language, violence, innuendo okay in very small doses, in other words.)
[This message has been edited by ArachneWeave (edited May 30, 2007).]
posted
NIce writing, very clean and sharp. Liked the second version better than the first but remember everyone's taste are individual so don't rely on people saying they like it or not. Still get a feeling that this is a description of a story rather than the story itself. But I would be interested enough to read on. lianne
Posts: 31 | Registered: May 2007
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