Manox’s sword was cursed who ever held it was doomed to failure, and that is why Gillam placed the sword carefully into a specially made case sealing it away. Gillam is a thief, and it is because of this that he was sent to the dark jungles of Hannak to search for this very item.

Interesting? What's good/what's bad?

1. The sword curses anyone who holds it.
2. Gillam is a thief.
3. Gillam was sent into the jungle to retrieve the sword.

Explain these three things to me using Gillam's actions, an interior monologue, a conversation he holds with the poor dead soul who recovered the sword.

And, as a second nitpick... where did the arrow through Tekka's neck come from. Another trap? Jungle natives? Gillam? If it was Gillam (and I think it was), maybe show that a little. I'm making an assumption where I should be more sure of things.

If you can clean up that second paragraph and carry it on, you've got me for another page or two. Thinking on it now, if you could clean that up, I'd be on this like cheese on mac.

quote:

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The sword felt cold in his hand despite the jungle heat,[<-- I'd suggest ending the first sentence here, because it's long and a little clunky. I suggest subsituting "Tekka" for "his" and begin the next sentence with: He]wasn’t sure if it was the bug bites or heat distress that made him feel dizzy. But he didn’t care, not after months of traipsing through the jungle searching for the very sword he held. The natives warned him, they warned him that the temple was cursed. Perhaps they were right he thought, but he had found Manox’s legendary sword and he had triumphed over the pitiful trap protecting it. Tekka held the sword high, stared up at the heavens and screamed in defiance at the Gods. His scream gurgled in his throat and he fell over dead with an arrow protruding from his neck.[This section should be separated because it switches PoV.] A man stepped through the dense brush and walked over to Tekka’s stiff body, picking up the sword with a large blanket, “My thanks to you young warrior,” [Actual end of the 13 lines.]the man placed the sword into a case and walked back into the dense jungle, smiling to himself.
Manox’s sword was cursed who ever held it was doomed to failure, and that is why Gillam placed the sword carefully into a specially made case sealing it away. Gillam is[<--violates tense] a thief, and it is because of this that he was sent to the dark jungles of Hannak to search for this very item.

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The idea is cool.

IMHO, don't kill a POV character after just one paragraph, especially when that paragraph is the opening one. Just tell us this story from Gillam's POV. The problem is I was getting to like Tekka and then he was dead. Now I have to forge a bond with another character.

You have 2 POVs.

This is Tekka

quote:

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The sword felt cold in his hand despite the jungle heat, and Tekka wasn’t sure if it was the bug bites or heat distress that made him feel dizzy. But he didn’t care, not after months of traipsing through the jungle searching for the very sword he held. The natives warned him, they warned him that the temple was cursed. Perhaps they were right he thought, but he had found Manox’s legendary sword and he had triumphed over the pitiful trap protecting it. Tekka held the sword high, stared up at the heavens and screamed in defiance at the Gods.

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This is full Omni or someone else's, not Gillam's POV

quote:

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His scream gurgled in his throat and he fell over dead
with an arrow protruding from his neck.
A man stepped through the dense brush and walked over to Tekka’s stiff body, picking up the sword with a large blanket.
“My thanks to you young warrior.”
The man placed the sword into a case and walked back into the dense jungle, smiling to himself.

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While not a terrible sin since the first paragraph can be in a different POV, you need to be aware of it.

On withholding:

Tekka knows what the sword is, he knows what the curse is. Just tell me. I'll be hooked if you do because I'll know what he's risked.

If you fall into Gilliam's POV, you can show me what he thinks about Tekka's stupidity at handling the sword with a bare hand.

You mention a blanket, a case and an arrow but not how they enter or leave the scene. Did Tekka have the blanket? Did Gilliam? Where did Gilliam withdraw the blanket from? Where did Gilliam get the case from? What happened to the weapon that fired the arrow? Could Gilliam really carry all this stuff through the forest for months along with survival supplies? You don't have to answer these questions here but they are what I am wondering. Because I am wondering them, I'm beginning to have plausibility doubts that will make me stop reading.

Everything you tell me has to be clear. If a prop comes on stage, it has to be accounted for. The audience/reader needs to see it and what becomes of it. If you focus on Gilliam and not Tekka you can show me the details that will draw me in.

I agree with InarticulateBabbler. If you could write the whole thing from Gillam's POV, I think it would improve the piece. You start off the piece inside Tekka's head, and when he died, I was thrown out of the story. I had to figure out what had happened. It gives the reader a shock, but it also runs the risk of pulling them so far out of the story that they don't want to read on.

I also noted several problems with verb tense and with punctuation. These were distracting enough that they made reading the piece more difficult.