“Don’t struggle, it’s of no use – Tyrane,” Lysak stopped in front of Tyrane and bent down low, “Yes, we know your name – you have became quite a thorn in our sides. Like a mouse you manage to slip detection and hide for a while. But you can catch a mouse, with the right bait – even a wily one,” Lysak spun Tyrane around.

Its finished, for now, and I am wondering - does it sound interesting? Does it have a hook? Anyone want to take a look at it?

I suggest revisiting your comma usage, and agree predatory lion is a bit redundant/cliche (not that there isn't a place for cliche or often-used-phrases in writing, just be sure you've done it on purpose.)

First line, end sentence after ankles. Start His head felt like as a new sentence. Next sentence, it's got to be "Lysak, the Captain of the Guard," - but when added with the pacing around like a predatory lion, there are a LOT of commas in that sentence. Maybe there's a way to reword? The guards were on alert, watching Lysak, the Captain of the Guard. Lysak paced past their tall poleaxes (too many "p"s in that sentence, but you'll get an idea of one possible way to reword...)

I also suggest something other than "Tyrane knew that he was..." because this seems...well...like a mini-speech to the reader. It's information your reader needs to know (Tyrane knows what he's dangling over, and knows his life is on the line...) but - is there another way to deliver it? Lysak could taunt him "How do you like dangling over the Pit of Sorrow? You know there's no escape. We'll have your soul by sunrise."

Tyrane could go for humor "Just how deep is this darn pit of sorrow anyway? I'm getting hungry for dinner - got anything to eat?"

The guards could do it: The guards were placing bets about how long before Tyrane was dropped into the Pit of Sorrow. Tyrane wanted to shout "give me long odds!"

See what I'm suggesting?

quote:

---

Tyrane [was hanging<--"hung" is a stronger verb] upside down over a dark pit by his ankles[,<--separate sentences-->]his head felt like it was going to explode. Beside him stood [the<--IMHO replace with number of] guards holding tall poleaxes[,<--IMHO end the sentence. Begin anew with: They awaited] orders from Lysak[,] the Captain of the Guard, who was pacing around him like a [predatory<--redundant] lion. Tyrane [knew that he<--if its his PoV, this is redundant. Strengthen the verb by elimintaing: was] dangl[ed] over the Pit of Sorrow, and [he knew that<--Again, do you need this?] this night might be his last. He struggled slightly and [the man<--which man?] laughed.
“Don’t struggle[. I]t’s of no use[,] Tyrane[.]” Lysak stopped in front of Tyrane and bent down low[.] “Yes, we know your name[. Y]ou have became quite a thorn in our sides. Like a mouse[,] you manage to slip detection and hide for a while. But you can catch a mouse, with the right bait – even a wily one,” Lysak spun Tyrane around.

---

I like this. With a little cleaning-up of the grammar, and keeping the verbs strong, it'll be a good read. Then, I'll give it a read.

Tyrane climbed down the rope on to the balcony of Lord Darxs' manor. The famed Freeman's Sapphire was sitting on display, unguarded. His inner senses warned of a trap, but he had eluded capture for so long that he felt untouchable. He tested the balcony door, and it was unlocked. Beating back years of feral instinct, Tyrane boldly walked in. A heavy net fell on him and something struck his head. The last sound he heard was a mocking voice, “Get a big enough piece of cheese and you catch the biggest mice in the city!”

When he opened his eyes; he was hanging upside down over a dark pit by his ankles. His head felt like it was going to explode. Beside him stood some guards holding tall poleaxes, waiting orders from Lysak, the Captain of the Guard, who was pacing.

The new first paragraph feels info dumpy even though it isn't and what isn't makes Tyrane sound like an idiot for walking into the trap. The capture is so anticlimatic that you lose the momentum.

I still think starting with Tyrane over the pit is great. But that's just MHO.

I was hooked but like the first version better. The reason he is over the pit seems like background info that I don't need to know at the moment. Give me action, give me great description, and give it to me now. Your second try gives me some good info but that can be flushed out in the story rather than at the beginning. All I need to know in the beginning and especially for a short story, is that this guy is in trouble and he need to get out. I don't care how he got there, where does he go from head down over the pit.