posted
Beneath his feet, Ethan Chapman could feel the ship’s deck vibrate with confined energy. He stared through the wide windows of the observation deck and waited for his crew to report. In the darkness, he picked out familiar constellations, holding them in his mind. Ahead he saw their destination, Gliese 388, glowing dim red in the center of the window. The silence was broken by a voice from the comm chip in his ear. “Captain, reactor’s charged and the course is plotted. Just give the signal.” Chapman took a last look at the dusting of stars and replied, “Ava, execute jump 26.” “Aye sir.” Ethan Chapman relished faster than light jumps. He gripped the worn arm of his chair and leaned forward, intent on
This is my first attempt at writing in more than a year, but I'm hoping to keep going with it. Let me know if you have any advice on how to improve these first 13 and whether they catch your interest. If you would like to read more, let me know, and I will send you the work in progress once I get a bit more written.
posted
I was confused with the first two or three lines as I thought this person was aboard a sailing ship. There is not much hook here - it would be stronger if you gave us more info about a conflict or impending crisis. There is no tension in the dialogue itself - it gives the impression that this ship and the crew are doing nothing more than performing a routine "jump".
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited June 03, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited June 03, 2007).]
posted
Captain Ethan Chapman relished faster than light jumps. He gripped the worn arm of his chair and leaned forward. Beneath his feet [,] [Ethan Chapman] 'he' could feel the ???(maybe type of ship added here) ship’s deck vibrate [with confined energy]. He stared through the wide windows of the observation platform at the distant constellations and waited for his crew to report. Ahead he saw their destination, Gliese 388, glowing dim red in the center of the window. “Captain, reactor’s charged and the course is plotted. Just give the signal.” Chapman took a last look at the dusting of stars and replied, “Ava, execute jump 26.” “Aye sir.”
Hi, I agree with nitewriter bit more of a hook would be handy changed things round a bit to put the important things forts . Though the writing was well enough there were areas where I felt the sentences jumped rather than flowed. hope this helps if you need a reader you can post it my way, lianne
[This message has been edited by Lianne (edited June 03, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Lianne (edited June 03, 2007).]
posted
I thought we were on a ocean vessel at first too. Silly, cause those kinds of ships don't normally have observation decks.
My nits:
quote:Beneath his feet, Ethan Chapman could feel the ship’s deck vibrate with confined energy.
I like the rythem of this sentance, but because it's your first one I'd go the safe road and say: "Ethan Chapman could feel the [name of ship]'s deck vibrate...beneath his feet."
I like the idea of starting with "Ethan [don't put last names if you can help it for a POV] relished faster than light jumps." That gives us the notion straight away that we're in a space vessel. Plus it starts of telling us something about the MC.
The rule of thumb is: Begin where everything changes. A Doorway, if you will, into the action and conflict of the story. Then along the way introduce us to our MC and his world.
Hope this helped. I'll read more if you need it. I can get to it early this week.
quote:Beneath his feet, Ethan Chapman could feel the ship’s deck vibrate with confined energy. He stared through the wide windows of the observation deck and waited for his crew to report. In the darkness, he picked out familiar constellations, holding them in his mind.(1) Ahead he saw their destination, Gliese 388, glowing dim red in the center of the window. The silence was broken by a voice from the comm chip in his ear. “Captain, reactor’s charged and the course is plotted. Just give the signal.” Chapman took a last look at the dusting of stars and replied, “Ava, execute jump 26.” “Aye sir.” Ethan Chapman relished faster than light jumps. He gripped the worn arm of his chair and leaned forward, intent on
I didn't have the impression that he was on a sea vessel at first. I don't think you'll need to clarify this, because in published form the cover and the summary should already have your readers aware that space travel is a significant component. Even before that, in query form, your summary will have planted the idea in the agent's mind before he or she reads your first 13, I imagine.
1. By this, do you mean he's viewing constellations in the distance which he's seen before from this location in space, or from images of his coordinates, or was this a mistake? The constellations that are familiar to us from earth wouldn't appear as they are from other locations. Or maybe he's only just left earth? As a reader, I'd like to be told why the constellations are familiar, because I'm left second-guessing without the information laid out for me. Also, the phrasing of "holding them in his mind" to me suggests some purpose behind this action rather than idle observation of the constellations - I'd like to know why he's keeping these constellations in his head.
That was the only sentence that caused me to stumble and think. Other than that, it's decently written, though I do wonder if there's much of a hook. I sense some character development coming up, as the final sentence talks about the captain liking the jumps - but this could be any captain, in any SF book. I'd like to see earlier what it is that makes this one special, some sign of the plot, or a minor conflict. Something dynamic to make me want to read more, because at this point, I don't find myself wanting to.
posted
* Warning: the writer may be offended by the ruthless honesty posted below.*
My take:
quote: Beneath his feet, Ethan Chapman could feel the [space- or star-]ship’s deck vibrate with confined energy. He stared through the wide windows of the observation deck and [waited for his crew to report. In the darkness, he<--cut this] picked out familiar constellations, holding them in his mind. [Ahead he saw their destination,<--cut this] Gliese 388[,comma not needed.] glow[ed a] dim red[,] in the center of the window. [The silence was broken by a voice from the comm chip in his ear.<--I'd rather have a brief explanation of why it's important for them to make this trip, and/or see some urgency. “Captain, reactor’s charged and the course is plotted. Just give the signal.” Chapman took a last look at the dusting of stars and replied, “Ava, execute jump 26.” “Aye sir.” Ethan Chapman relished faster than light jumps. He gripped the worn arm of his chair and leaned forward, intent on
The hook needs to engage us by now.
If this flight is mundane to Ethan, he would not be noting the stars -- unless he had a habit of marking his departure points, in which case you need to tell us this is what he's doing and why -- nor, would he mention the vibrating floor, if this was his ship or he was used to traveling aboard it.
"The silence was broken..."; "In the darkness..."; "He stared.."; "...and waited..." are phrases that disrupt the action and stall the reader. If they were gone, you could fit more into theose thirteen lines.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited June 03, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited June 04, 2007).]
quote:Beneath his feet, Ethan Chapman could feel the ship’s deck vibrate with confined energy.
I have a problem with this because (for me anyhow) I assumed that its beneath his feet, therefore making 'beneath his feet' redundant. If it were me, I go for something like: The ship <name> vibrated with confined energy...
Then: Ethan Chapman, the ships captain, stared through the wide window...
Also, it cuts out unecassary words and gives you more to play with to get that hook.
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Silly, cause those kinds of ships don't normally have observation decks. 
