As per every summer, since we were 10, the search continued. It was a cool summer night, with a passing breeze in the field quivering the tall grass. There Henry, Autumn and I sat, hunting. For years, our search for what we called Zephyr had been fruitless, but for the first time, in a long time, things looked different.

I gazed up, over the grass, catching a light breeze. Peering into the pines ahead, I could distinguish movement. Henry and Autumn at my signal rose up also, scouring the timber line for signs of activity. “Tom, up ahead.” Henry pointed towards a path in the grass that winded into the woods. I stalked forward, careful not to make a sound, lest the Protectors hear me.

[This message has been edited by zetars (edited June 04, 2007).]

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Five teens are comtinuing a search that started when they were 10, for something(can't rveal it).

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Why not?

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As per every summer, since we were 10, the search continued.[I wouldn't start like this. My suggestion would be to start with: Henry, Autumn and I sat, hunting. If you did that, you wouldn't need the first sentance because the next one explains what they have searched for and for how long] It was a cool summer night, with a passing breeze in the field quivering the tall grass. There Henry, Autumn and I sat, hunting. For years, our search for what we called Zephyr had been fruitless, but for the first time, in a long time, things looked different.

I gazed up, over the grass, catching a light breeze. Peering into the pines ahead, I could distinguish[would go for something less formal than distinguish here] movement. Henry and Autumn at my signal rose up also, scouring the timber line for signs of activity. [New paragraph]“Tom, up ahead.” Henry pointed towards a path in the grass that winded into the woods. I stalked forward, careful not to make a sound, lest the Protectors[Who are they?] hear me.

The search for Zephyr had been long and arduous. Ultimately, Zephyr wasn’t even what we were really after... It was merely the entrance.[this takes us out of the story. I suggest try to put this information in to the story some other way. I want to know what they do next.]

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For instance, get rid of "passing" breeze. Breezes, by their nature, move past us...giving us that calm breezy feeling. For quivering, I'd suggest rustle. That invokes another sense, too, which is good.

This is a short, get the information out ASAP.

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As per only lawyers use this word. When have you ever used it in conversation or thought it? You could start with Every summer, but I liked IB's starting point better every summer, since we were 10 spell TEN out , the search continued For what? Just tell me "Zepher, the gateway to the lair of the Evil Robot Monkey King . It was a cool summer night, with a passing breeze in the field quivering odd word choice use. Grass doesn't quiver it blows the tall grass. There Henry, Autumn and I sat, hunting how do you hunt sitting . For years, our search for what we called Zephyr had been fruitless, but for the first time, in a long time, things looked different. Why?

I gazed up, over the grass, catching a light breeze. Peering into the pines ahead, I could distinguish movement. Henry and Autumn at my signal rose up also, scouring the timber line for signs of activity what kind? Animal motion or something else. Use this opportunity to show me what they are looking for .

“Tom, up ahead.” Henry pointed towards a path in the grass that winded into the woods.

I stalked forward, careful not to make a sound, lest again a lawyer word the Protectors of what? hear me.

The search for Zephyr had been long and arduous. Ultimately, Zephyr wasn’t even what we were really after... then why are you wasting my time? It was merely the entrance. Ahh . . nope, not hooked. You teased too much.

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If you strip out the teasing and tell me you get something like:

Henry, Autumn and I waited half hidden in the tall grass. The signs indicated that after twenty years of hunting our search for what we called "Zephyr" might bear fruit.The entrance to the Evil Monkey King's castle had proved elusive until now.

I saw the flicker of a branch through the pines that ringed the field. Something was out there. At my signal, Henry and Autumn stood trying to spot what had caused the distrubance.

“Tom, up ahead.” Henry pointed towards a path in the grass that winded into the woods. I stalked forward. It would be our death if the Protectors, the guardians of Oz, heard us.

Now, I know who my POV is, what he is doing and why I should care. When you edit, watch the -ing endings. It's a sign of weaker than necessary writing. Try for stronger verbs. You had 5 -ing words. I have 1 in my version.

Even if you tell me, there is still a sense of mystery and excitement. You can't create either of those by withholding. Or if you do, you probably can't afford the price of doing it.

Edited twice (sigh) for HTML tags

[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited June 05, 2007).]

You can't tell us what Zephyr is, but from the sounds of it, I'm not entirely sure you or your characters know what it is. "Zephyr is the entrance, and they call it Zephyr, because like the wind, they can't catch it". Maybe I'm just being obtuse, but this description is a little too vapid to hold my interest beyond the end of the sentence.

There are technical issues as well that keep throwing me out of the story. Others have mentioned the -ing words, which while not jarring are vestigal. The "lawyer speak" as kings puts it. Awkward punctuation errors, particularly "There Henry, Autumn and I sat, hunting.". I'm not actually certain that this is an error in punctuation (any grammar mavens out there want to clear this up for me?) but it is very awkward. Think of a better way to say this.

I had a look through your previous posts and it looks like you are a frequent contributor of your own stories, but very rarely comment on other people's fragments. I know I've taken a lot away from reading and critiquing other peoples work - seeing mistakes that other people are committing can make you more cognizant of the same mistake in your own writing.

As well, it pays off to complete a story before you submit it for critique. That way you've got a good grasp on what the story arc is, and how the first 13 lines can be worked into that arc.