posted
Ian Smithson and Tod Miller were quarreling. Ian was dry shaving, with the wonderfully sharp razor his father had given him. Even a sharp razor hurts when you haven’t anything to wet it with, and Ian was in no mood to listen to Tod’s complaints. “Saved your life, didn’t I?” “No.” “Well, I saved you from the army, and that’s about the same thing, I reckon.” “I appreciate that. I do. But you’ve got to stop messing around with portals. It’s dangerous.” Ian rubbed his scraped face gently. “Look, there’s nothing to be feared of from portals."
Complete story available on request.
[This message has been edited by Rick Norwood (edited June 18, 2007).]
posted
There's nothing particularly glaring in why this might have been rejected, at least nothing apparent in these first 13. I suppose I have a few little items I might point out, but by and large, nothing major.
The first line, "Ian Smithson and Tod Miller were quarreling" is redundant. First you tell me they are quarreling, then you show me they are quarreling in the remaining 12 lines. The show is better, so remove the tell.
I'm not sure what Tod is doing is complaining. Sounds more like he is gloating, preening, bragging, etc. Maybe try reaplcing "Tod's complaints" with something along the lines of "Tod's insipient gloating."
Other than that, this appears to be solid stuff. Send it my way, I'd love to take a full read. I can usually get back within a few days.
Jayson Merryfield
[This message has been edited by Wolfe_boy (edited June 18, 2007).]
posted
Thanks. I'm new to the workshop, so I don't know where to go to find your e-mail address, but let me know and I'll send the story. My e-mail is f.norwood@att.net
Posts: 557 | Registered: Jun 2007
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posted
Okay, quick pointer.... at the top of my post is three buttons. In order from left to right: one for my profile, one to email me, and one to edit that particular post (which you can only do if you created it yourself).
Jayson Merryfield
[This message has been edited by Wolfe_boy (edited June 18, 2007).]
quote:Ian Smithson and Tod Miller [were quarreling<--weakens the verb. A stronger way would be so say, "quarreled".] Ian was dry shaving, with the [wonderfully<--Do you need this? If he's shaving with it, it must be-->sharp Would anyone shave with a dull one? If so, THAT I would want to know.] razor his father had given him. [Even a sharp<--This is the second time -- redundancy issue -- that you've told me it's sharp. Suggest just opening the sentence with:A] razor hurts when you haven’t anything to wet it with[;] and Ian was in no mood to listen to Tod’s complaints. “Saved your life, didn’t I?” [Who is saying this?] “No.” [Who is saying this? I want to know, at the start of the conversation. I had to stop and look ahead to find out who was speaking to whom.] “Well, I saved you from the army,[Huh?] and that’s about the same thing, I reckon.[How is it the same? What army?]” “I appreciate that. I do. But you’ve got to stop messing around with portals[What portals? What are you talking about? If this argument was about portals, you should have told us that in the beginning.]. It’s dangerous.[How is it dangerous.]” Ian rubbed his scraped face gently.[Oww. Why would he do that? Especially after dry-shaving?<IB shudders>] “Look, there’s nothing to be [feared<--He suddenly starts speaking in improper english?] of from portals."
Where's the hook? It isn't a hook that the story has a portal in it.
Where's any impending conflict -- internal or otherwise? I hope the argumement isn't supposed to represent this.
Where are they? In space? In a ruined city? In their loft apartment.
Are these two lovers? They are quarreling over an implied danger.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited June 18, 2007).]
posted
[quote] Ian Smithson and Tod Miller were quarreling. Ian was dry shaving, with the wonderfully sharp razor his father had given him. Even a sharp razor hurts when you haven’t anything to wet it with, [This seems superfluous detail] and Ian was in no mood to listen to Tod’s complaints. “Saved your life, didn’t I?” [who is talking? This isn't really a complaint so it isn't obvious its Tod, if thats who it is] “No.” “Well, I saved you from the army, and that’s about the same thing, I reckon.” “I appreciate that. I do. But you’ve got to stop messing around with portals. It’s dangerous.” Ian rubbed his scraped face gently. “Look, there’s nothing to be feared [intentional use of this instead of scared? - it jars a bit to me ]of from portals."
Having said that, I'm willing to read the whole story if you wish. I was mildly hooked, despite being unclear about who was speaking.
posted
I don't see a link to send you e-mail, Badger. I do appreciate your comments. The need to identify who speaks first is a good tip -- don't know how I missed that, but I did.
On the other hand, I think I have a good idea of how Ian speaks, which I want to indicate with just a little slang and odd usage. One touchstone of mine is Herman Wouk's Youngblood Hawke, where the title characters speaks strong New England dialect in the beginning, but quickly drops that in favor of readability. The reader still hears the accent, even after it is no longer indicated in the spelling.
posted
I really like the idea of starting in mid-fight; however, I do agree that the first line borders on redundant and needs a bit more punch.
Are these guys long time buddies? Best friends? Explaining that in the first few sentences might make me feel like there is more at stake here.
Grammatically Challenged E.g. Ian hadn't been this annoyed at his best friend, Tod Miller, since Tod stole his girlfriend in junior high.
I actually like the dry shaving part; it creates another level of tension between the characters as Ian must avoid getting agitated and cutting himself. Metaphorically this ties in really well, if these guys “cut it close” a lot i.e. just barely make it out of bad situations.
Lastly, what's with “the army”? Was Tod almost drafted or were they chased by a hoard of militant thugs during their last adventure? If you choose to add such details, I'd do it via thoughts or descriptions rather than dialog, because your dialog works fairly well.
posted
I feel I need to know too much of the back story to get hooked in this particular story.
Questions about the generic term "army" and how this "army" makes uses of these portals abound. Maybe make the army into a particular leader with a grudge.
"I saved you from McKinney's goons...." gives the story a bit more of a personal connection and lets the reader know where future conflict is coming from.
posted
I don't suppose that this is going to be a very useful feedback. Oh, well. Rick, the one thing that I've noticed with all of the first thirteen lines you've put up is that you 1) tend to write in a rather distant voice and 2) focus on the ordinary/obvious details (like what it's like to dry shave) and leave the important points so vague that people can interpret them many different ways. Thus, you get widely varied feedback and don't effectively communicate the story that you are trying to impart.
For example, “Well, I saved you from the army, and that’s about the same thing, I reckon.”
This can be read as 'saved him from being drafted into the army,' or 'convinced him not to join the army when he initially wanted to when serving in the army was--or soon became--very dangerous,' or 'some opposing army (Earth vs. the Moon or whatever) nearly killed him, but friend killed them first' or 'a bunch of pirates that can themselves an army tried to kill him' or 'a rebel group that calls themselves an army tried to kill him' or whatever. The readers are going to get a shock if their assumptions later turn out to be wrong.
Also, we really have no idea when this story is set. It's probably in the future, but it could be set anytime since razors were first given that name (c.1290). Portals themselves could mean anything from magical-type portals that move you from place to place to magical time-portals to futuristic machine- or space--generated portals that do the same.
So, basically, these first 13 line tell us very little. Try to focus on your unique story elements instead of the obvious ones and make every word work double-time to give us a sense of your story setting and set-up.
posted
DebbieKW, your comments really hit home. It's true, I try to go for character first, and plot second. Several people have pointed out that I need to set up time, place, and situation at the same time I'm establishing the characters. The whole stuff about the army needs to come out. More information about the portal needs to go in.
[This message has been edited by Rick Norwood (edited June 23, 2007).]
posted
Rick Norwood, I'm glad my comments proved useful after all.
quote:A portal can be an automatic door, too.
Quite true, InarticulateBabbler. Now I'm ROTFL after using that definition for the scene:
quote:But you’ve got to stop messing around with portals. It’s dangerous.” Ian rubbed his scraped face gently. “Look, there’s nothing to be feared of from portals."
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