Biggest question again/again: Is there a hook now?

See updated 13

They say that wake-up scenes are killers for hooks, unless something happens the precise moment that a character wakes up which is pivotal to the plot.

This isn't precisely a wake-up scene, but a driving/walking to work scene is essentially the same thing. I get a sense that the real intro to the plot might be just around the bend - is it that package?

I'd suggest dropping right into whatever interesting thing happens with the package, and save his walk to work for a later chapter beginning or as a back-track. As it stands now, all I know is that Nicholas doesn't like his clients and he doesn't like Mondays - these aren't traits interesting enough in and of themselves to make me want to know more about the character, and the scene doesn't solicit my interest, either.

Maybe a reworking of the presentation of events?

[Edited to include useful feedback, because I managed to hit 'Submit' after the first sentence.]

There's a lot of fat on this steak. This could be trimmed down to probably just two or three sentences. Lemme try.

Nicholas Furrier stepped into his office on Monday morning, and from a first glance at his secretary's desk, reaffirmed within himself that he truly truly hated Monday's. The slushpile was almost knee high with queries and manuscripts, and Martha had stuck three post-its on top of the pile; clients phoning to have their hands held and to be told everything is going alright, and yes Nicholas was in contact with editors from all the major houses trying to sell their books.

Martha held up Nicholas's traditional mug of black coffee and a large nondescript package. "Good Morning Mr. Furrier," she said. "A package from Mitsu-Sony arrived..."

Maybe a little longer than 3 lines (I know I cheated with that semicolon), but possibly a little tighter, less fat. Try to keep to the important details. I don't care what subway terminal he came out of, what street his building is on, whatever a "Chelsea office" is, etc.... I care about your character and what is happening to him. I'd read for maybe another page to see what this package from Mitsu-Sony is (a Mitsubishi-Sony merger?) but you'll have to get to the point of why this package is so important it deserves a specific mention in the first 13 quickly enough that I don't become bored and put the works down in my recycle bin.

Long story short, identify where the fat in your story is, and trim it. Sometimes, you've got to slay your babies, no matter how much you love them.

PS - and the Monday thing gets redundant.

Heck, I can let my mind drift and dial into the same rant. Okay, it's a Tuesday and my clients don't send manuscripts but contracts for review and litigation to fight. Still, the thoughts are the same.

While I know you are supposed to start just before your MC's life gets turned upside down, you might want to start a but closer to that moment. Or at least get through the rant a lot quicker. 5K isn't a lot of words to tell a story in. Get to the point quickly.

Also, (and this is probably just me but . . .) I kept tripping over the last name. A Furrier is someone who sells fur coats I think. But first I have to jump over my automatic reflect to read that as "Farrier" the guy who shoes my horses. Then he's going to "Furrier's Ink", which I thought was a tattoo parlor. probably been watching "Miami Ink" too much but there it is. So, the reference to beling a literary agent jarred me.

Try starting somewhere else.

Aside from that, what they said. Avoid cliches like the plague. Begin the story when something happens.

Suppose you got hit by a truck. You wouldn't begin telling the story "I woke up this morning and I went to work and I had lunch ... " You begin, "Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a truck as big as a house rushing toward me."

Rick

I suppose also I should have been clearer that I was setting this story in NYC. The clues (Third avenue subway 14th Street Chelsea which is part of manahattan)are there if you know the area but obviously I failed to communicate NYC.

Wolfe boy your modified intro is good, a little to descriptive for my taste but quite good. I really find that opening paragraphs are often rather droll when their simply scene setting.

All in all you confirmed my fears that I wasn't getting to the "action" fast enough. Of course this story doesn't really have action.

Why?

You are still taking too long to get there. For the moment I don't care he's an agent or what his job entails. You can show me all of that in a moment. Show me the neurosthetic device and why I should care NOW. Come back for the back history later. Right now I feel like whatever the "device" is, it's going to be a cheat and a let down (for me not the character). You've also downplayed the significance of the "device" with his dialog.

I did get the NY city references. But the setting doesn't matter to me yet. Right now the story could take place in DC or Boston or LA and not have any difference. While I am sure that's not a true statement, for these 13 location isn't that important (other than he's in an office). The location detail can wait.

Your "action" starts when he picks up the package. IMHO delete the first three paragraphs and start with her handing him the package.

quote:

---

As Nicholas Furrier walked into Furrier Ink’s 14th Street office in Chelsea on a Monday morning I don't need the detail. Monday or Wednesday, what does it matter? All that matters is he "walked into office" - "of the literary agency he owned" could be added but isn't necessary yet , he dreaded what lay ahead So do I most days. Why should I care he hates his job . The job of a literary agent consisted of dealing with clients, current and potential, who crowded his mornings with inane complaints and banal questions. Okay, now he's pathetic. He OWNS the company and he hates his job. Seems to me he should sell the company. If the MC isn't interested the reader won't be either

This is a great job except for the clients, Nick groused. I think most agents say that the clients are what make the job fun. Although that could be PC BS too.

Martha, his girl Friday secretary, office manager and sometimes slush reader do I need these details now? greeted him in the office lobby with an energetic smile.

“Good Morning Mr. Furrier,” she said.

Ignoring his sullen mood < possible POV issue. If this is Nick sink into his head - "Ignoring his warning glare, she babbled on. she continued she never stopped , “The neuroesthetic device would she really know what it is? If she does - just have her say - the Evil Robot Monkey ("ERM") Suit you ordered several months ago this is not natural. You are adding it only for my (the reader's) benefit. I get he's been waiting a while from his next line just arrived.” She nodded towards the box.

“It’s about time, even War and Peace was less tedious,” I'm not sure the reference works. How about - I've read War and Peace ten times waiting for the ERM to arrive Nick grumbled as he poured a cup of coffee then paused to take a sip.

---

After the build up to the device you throw the momentum away by having him "grumble". Is he excited it's here? Have him react. Show us the reaction. Tell me what the ERM IS. Then you might get me hooked.

Nick Furrier grunted as he got up from his desk for more coffee. Between clients with banal questions, editors with unreasonable requests, it was not a good morning.

“Mr. Furrier, The Neuroesthetic Ability Processor you ordered several months ago has arrived.” Martha Stuart, his secretary, said looking up from sorting manuscripts for courier delivery.

“It’s about time.” Nick’s dour mood lifting slightly. The Neuroesthetic Ability Processor captured images of brain activity to predict an author’s marketability, allegedly making his job easier.

Nick Furrier said, "So I told him, 'Sorry, Will, but the N.A.P. proves that nobody wants to see a play about some stupid Prince of Denmark who can't even make up his mind.'"

The other men at the bar laughed, and raised their Absolut martini's in appreciation.

It's closer. If you want to shoot it to me, it will take me a bit to get back to you but maybe I can find a better starting point.

This is a story about Nick and his relationship with one client in particular. I don't want to just drop this client with whom he feels parental onto the reader without also trying to build a sense of who nick is before the reader/Nick meets the client.

As I write this I kind of take that back....I'll post a new 13 tomorrow.

However, you spot on captured the essence of the NAP as neuroesthetics is a real part of neurology.

For interesting reading check out the stuff by Semir Zeki.

Nick Furrier shouldered the office door open as he brought the boxes in on a handcart. The Neuroesthetic Ability Processor represented Furrier Literary Agency’s latest professional development investment.

“What is all this?” Martha Stuart, his secretary and office manager said looking up from sorting manuscripts for courier delivery to editors. In another pile sat galleys intended for review while another, much smaller, pile was the slush worth reading.

Sure, steal the joke. Good writers borrow, great writers steal. Heinlein steals from Gilbert and Sullivan all the time.

Nick doesn't move the cart himself. He tells his secretary to open the door so the office boy can wheel the cart in. If he's standing next to the door, and the secretary is sitting down at her desk, this can also help with the characterization of Nick. Then, if the office boy is the would-be writer Nick feels paternal toward, you have combined two characters into one, which almost always makes a better story.

If you would like me to read the whole story, send it along when it is finished.

[This message has been edited by Rick Norwood (edited June 21, 2007).]

Needless to say this is being cut and a different way of achieving the end is being crafted.