posted
I started a new story yesterday. The target market is Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine. I've written about 1500 words -- the story is about half finished. Here are the first 13 lines.
“Philosophers don’t murder people,” the plump, pink philosopher said, with a smirk that must have made many an undergraduate want to murder him. “Be that as it may,” I said. I consulted my notes. “You are Professor Drake.” “Call me Horace, my dear boy.” Horace blushed, his delicate pink cheeks turning a brighter shade of rose. “Do forgive me. That was very politically incorrect wasn’t it, calling you ‘boy’.” “I have a thick skin. Now, what can you tell me about the murder.” “I hope you understand that no insult was intended. I’m so dreadfully sorry.” The man seemed terribly ill at ease.
posted
This works for me, for the most part. Nice characterization right off the bat, a sense of what's going on. A few nitpicks:
quote: “Philosophers don’t murder people,” the plump, pink philosopher said, with a smirk that must have made many an undergraduate want to murder him.(1) “Be that as it may,” I said. I consulted my notes. “You are Professor Drake.” “Call me Horace, my dear boy.” Horace blushed, his delicate pink cheeks turning a brighter shade of rose.(2) “Do forgive me. That was very politically incorrect wasn’t it, calling you ‘boy’.” “I have a thick skin. Now, what can you tell me about the murder.” “I hope you understand that no insult was intended. I’m so dreadfully sorry.” The man seemed terribly ill at ease.
1. I like this opener. But could it be more effective as two sentences? EG: "Philosophers don't murder people," the plump, pink philosopher said. He had a smirk that must have made many an undergraduate want to murder him. 2. The adjectives 'delicate' and 'rose' are clashing with his earlier description of 'plump' in my head. Delicate and rose make me think of small, petite things, but he's round. It also makes me think he's a little bit effeminate. But mostly, having both delicate and rose in the same sentence right there makes a dainty feel that doesn't mix well with the rest of the prose style (the perspective character's bluntness), for me.
Other than those two things that leaped out at me, I have no qualms with this.
posted
My only real nitpick is that the focus seems to be a little off. The focus of these 13 is the professor, not the narrator who I am interpreting as the main character. The descriptions are being told not as someone would see them in first person, but as a more distant third person narrator would see them. It makes me think that the focus of this part is on the character of the professor and less about the narrator. It might be more effective to include in the narration your MC's reactions to the professor. How does he feel about that smirk? I don't particularly care how a flock of students I've never met would feel about it.
That's about it for me. Technically it's pretty strong. I'm not terribly excited about this piece, so you'd have to turn my crank a whole lot to get me to read more than a few pages. Then again, that might just be the way Professor Drake is presented - he doesn't seem particularly appealing or interesting to me, and the MC is nearly a disembodied voice which isn't doing anything for me either.
posted
my only nit to pick is the description of the smirk.
Being a grad student I've encountered and probably given the same look. Its the conciet of the ivory tower to be arrogant jerks about their "special" status.
I'd phrase it somethig like
his patronizing tone accented by a condescending smile that had undoubtedly left many students pondering the grounds for justifiable homicide.
posted
You've got an interesting set of feedback already. My main point, which may (not sure) be at odds with other feedback, is to characterize more with some action/explanation. Or, perhaps, drop the "he seemed terribly ill at ease" line and just do more with the subsequent lines of dialogue. The terribly ill at ease line is what threw me - that seemed like it was telling me something that either should be apparent from the lines (but wasn't quite - the boy and blushing were starting to give me that, but honestly, my first guess was that the prof is gay and hitting on the MC...)
So I think my suggestion is to just play with the "ill at ease" concept and figure out how to work it into either the action (he shuffled in his seat, fidgeted with one of the heavy gold rings on his fingers, offered me a twinkie, etc.) or work it into dialogue, or just move this line further down where it would seem appropriate to draw this kind of conclusion.
Thinking more about this, if the MC/narrator is a detective, he'd probably observe the "terribly ill at ease" in a much more clinical fashion. Something like "I noted that the subject seemed nervous and ill at ease."
posted
i think your first 13 rock! I used to read Ellery Queen religiously. There were a couple of minor things I might do differently, not much. But I did think that if he was smirking about being accused of murder, why would he be suddenly ill at ease by using the word boy? From the intital set up, I would be more likely to believe that he said boy deliberately and then pretending it was an accident - instead of beiing ill at ease, he would hve been supercilious, or phony or something. I'd love to read it when you get done, feel free to send it, if you want to.
“Philosophers don’t murder people,” the plump, pink philosopher said, with a smirk that must have (TAKE OUT MUST HAVE - NO DOUBT ABOUT THE FACT THAT STUDENTS WOULD HAVE HATED HIM) made many an undergraduate want to murder him. “Be that as it may,” I said. I consulted my notes. “You are Professor Drake.” “Call me Horace, my dear boy.” Horace blushed, his delicate pink cheeks turning a brighter shade of rose. “Do forgive me. That was very politically incorrect wasn’t it, calling you ‘boy’.” “I have a thick skin. Now, what can you tell me about the murder. (QUESTION MARK HERE INSTEAD OF PERIOD - HE'S ASKING)” “I hope you understand that no insult was intended. I’m so dreadfully sorry.” The man seemed (WAS- DON'T NEED TO QUALIFY, HE EITHER WAS OR WASN'T) terribly ill at ease. (HE SAID WITH SUCH STUDIED INSINCERITY/HIPOCRACY THAT i WAS HOPING HE WAS GUILTY JUST FOR THE PLEASURE OF TAKING HIM DOWN??)
[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited June 23, 2007).]
posted
All points well taken, and I'll probably rewrite accordingly.
I put in the "he seemed ill at ease" after feedback to the effect that readers don't always pick up on body language. But I'll have the guy squirm in his chair, instead.
I'm 2/3 of the way through the story, now, and a little down on it. It seems to work fairly well, but doesn't really seem exciting enough, and I'm not sure how to raise the ante. Maybe make the POV character have some crisis in his own life, instead of just trying to solve the crime. If I could somehow make his crisis the same as the professor's crisis, only upside down somehow. Hah! I'm off and running.
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Story completed. It came in at 2700 words. I'll let it sit for a day or two in case anyone would like to read it and offer feedback before I send it in.
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posted
Many thanks for your cirtique, debhoag. I followed essentially all of your suggestions, and now the story goes off to Ellery Queen. I'll keep you posted.
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