posted
Liam held the woman as comfortably as he could; every position seemed to cause her pain. The fire did its job and it was a miracle that she even lived through it. Her lip curled up unnaturally and her eyes were fused shut. All he could do was inject her with a pain inhibitor, hopefully that would give her some peace. It made his skin crawl just to look at her and then she spoke.
“He has been here…” She opened and closed her mouth. “Thirsty so very thirsty, Rylin is he…”
“Dead,” answered Liam as he stared at all the houses burnt beyond repair, “Everyone is dead.” The pungent smell of death hung in the air and assaulted Liam senses.
“ Except for me; he left one, the bastard,” the woman coughed
Wrote this one during lunch..I think its alot bigger then whats written.Interesting? Would you read on - barring grammatical faux pas (1st draft)...I am teetering on expanding the short story or shifting it to novel/novella length?
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited June 28, 2007).]
quote: Liam held the woman as comfortably as he could; every position seemed to cause her pain. The fire did its job and it was a miracle that she even lived through it. Her lip curled up unnaturally and her eyes were fused shut. All he could do was inject her with a pain inhibitor, hopefully that would give her some peace. It made his skin crawl just to look at her and then she spoke. “He has been here…” She opened and closed her mouth. “Thirsty so very thirsty, Rylin is he…” “Dead,” answered Liam as he stared at all the houses burnt beyond repair, “Everyone is dead.” The pungent smell of death hung in the air and assaulted Liam senses. “ Except for me; he left one, the bastard,” the woman coughed and
The above is thirteen lines.
to this in particular, I'd suggest that you clarify the fire reference because right now I think that Liam is using fire to cauterize the wounds but I don't know this as a fact. Never leave the reader to think about the action.
I think that you need to start just a few minutes earlier in the action and show Liam arriving at the fire. This is the biggest critique i have
posted
As to being hooked....I think my comments on starting the action sooner apply.
I feel lost in the story at the beginning of the intro and then by the time i get to he I feel that I should have known who "he" was all along or at least that there was a "he" all along.
posted
This is indeed going to be chopped down by SHE WHO MUST BE OBEYED.
I don't know that I'm hooked. There's a lot being left to my imagination right now - key elements that I need to understand. Why are her eyes fused shut? Was the fire cauterizing her wounds, or was it the cause of the wounds? Why was her lip curled unnaturally? Cut into pieces, or just a description of a grimace? Why is Liam's skin crawling when he looks at her? A lot of the details in this section are murky and vague, as if you were afraid to give away too much. At this point in the story, we need to know as much as possible - particularly when it directly relates to the action taking place. Also, where are we here? In a burned out village? A city neighbourhood after a bomb has gone off?
I'm also not convinced that the woman would be speaking in this way if she was in excruciating pain. She would either be delirious with pain, or maybe have her mind groggy from the painkillers. She seems fairly coherent, speaking in complete thoughts and long sentences.
I agree with Matt - I don't know that this is the correct place to be starting. It's basically at a lull in the action. Something exciting has just stoped happening, and I can feel that something exciting is going to start happening just after this scene when this woman either dies or is rescued by ambulance, etc. I don't get the feeling that Liam knows who she is particularly (no name is given), or why he should care so much? I'm also not getting aa lot of indication where the story is headed to.
Keep working at it. Flesh out a few details and maybe move the beginning around a little bit, see what works. Other than that, this is decent, if a little on the short side. 910 words?
Jayson Merryfield
[This message has been edited by Wolfe_boy (edited June 28, 2007).]
posted
Hey T. Given how short this is, I need details immediately. I think it's wonderful that you were able to write a complete story during lunch. A bit of fleshing out is required though.
My take (have you noticed most of us have fallen into IB's format in responding?):
quote: Liam held the woman Who is she? Does he know her? as comfortably as he could this makes it sound like he's trying to make himself comfortable and not her ; every position seemed to cause her pain.
The fire what fire? did its job which was? and it was a miracle that she even lived through it Hu? What is it? If he was healing her, why is it a miracle? If she escaped a house(?)fire, I could understand the reference but I don't have enough information for this to make sense .
Her lip curled up unnaturally and her eyes were fused shut From what or is this her normal appearance? . All he could do was inject her with a pain inhibitor Is he a medic? Who is he? He's also giving comfort to her , hopefully that would give her some peace. It made his skin crawl just to look at her why? [b] and then she spoke. “He has been here… [b] WHO? She seems to know who torched the block ” She opened and closed her mouth. “Thirsty so very thirsty. Rylin is he…”
“Dead,” answered Liam as he stared at all the houses burnt beyond repair. - Does Liam know who Rylin was? Maybe he wasn't in the house “Everyone is dead.” The pungent smell of death actually if they are crispy critters, the smell is almost sickeningly sweet hung in the air and assaulted Liam senses.
“ Except for me; he WHO?? left one, the bastard,” the woman coughed and moaned. “he took Rylin…my sweet boy.”
She The woman shook violently <-- not a necessary adverb; Liam held her and listened to her moans. He was at a loss for words the next line is better at conveying this thought , and he knew that anything he said wouldn’t end her despair – her death .
“Who was he? This man, did he do all this?”
The woman nodded . “It was as if he materialized from air – I, we…thought nothing of it. We thought maybe he was the General Inspector coming here to inspect…the colony…”
The woman’s voice trailed off and her body started to relax, Liam gently shook and spoke to her softly, “Stay with me,
I don't think she'd be talking this way. Even with pain medicine. If she's suffering 3rd degree burns and has lost a child, she's not going to be coherent.
I think you are starting in the wrong place. I have no sense of who these people are. Is Liam a guardian or a medic? What just happened? The unnamed woman knows who burned the houses and killed her son, she's going to be telling Liam this.
Because I have no reason to connect to what is a fairly grisly scene, I'm not hooked.
posted
I think its alot bigger and I certainly have to flesh out a few details. Thanks everyone for your input - I think I will put this one back in the oven for awhile (when you hop back on the writing saddle after a few years(10/12) - the ideas keep coming, so I keep writing them down. In case I forget..). I will repost once I make few changes and with 13 not 23 ...whoops
[This message has been edited by TMan1969 (edited June 28, 2007).]
posted
Addressing Liam in the first sentence tends to shunt the focus away from the woman. My suggestion is to juggle the appearance of the first three sentences for clarity and flow.....
The fire did its job and it was a miracle that she even lived through it. Her lip curled up unnaturally and her eyes were fused shut. Liam held the woman as comfortably as he could; every position seemed to cause her pain. All he could do was inject her with a pain inhibitor, hopefully that would give her some peace. It made his skin crawl just to look at her and then she spoke.
What fire? Are they close to the fire? Can they still feel the heat of the fire? The smell of burning flesh and hair could never be simplified as just the
pungent smell of death, it is a scent that one never forgets. Trust me.
How did Liam approach the scene? Was he called in? Was he just strolling along?
What does Liam do? How did he come by the
pain inhibitor?
kings_falcon raised very good points. YOU DEFINATELY HAVE A HOOK. If it was cleaner, and the set-up to this was compelling, I'd HAVE to read on.
You can do a lot with this premise, in thirteen lines: Dr. Liam Post was breathless. He stood beside his parked hovercar and stared at the damage to Suffolk Street. The entire suburbian block was laid to waste. When the emergency operator had called him in, he'd had no idea how much devastation the Evil Robot Monkeys had caused.
Liam grabbed his medkit and immediately searched for survivors. Most of the ruins were just charcoal and embers; the vehicles were scorched heaps of plasteel. The bodies that he saw were unidentifiable, except for one woman. She whimpered as she dragged herself forward with one sooty hand. Liam ran to her and rolled her over. What he saw stopped him in his tracks: She could only be described as melted.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited June 28, 2007).]
posted
I think the problem is that you have not submerged yourself completely in the scene. How is he holding the woman? Why is he holding the woman? (Don't move burn victims.) How can he hold the woman and inject her at the same time? Why is he brutally honest with her, instead of comforting? Is he just an SOB? Then why does he give her a pain shot? Is that his job? Why does he pick her up to do it? Is he:
professionally detached? in agony himself? tired? on an adrenilin high? in love with the woman? trying to keep the woman alive so he can question her?
What you have written gives us no idea of what the POV character is thinking or feeling or what kind of person he is. Also, it does not give us a clear, concrete picture of the setting. Are we:
inside a burned out living room? in an apartment building that is still on fire? in the pilot cabin of a crashed spaceship? in an ambulance on the way to a hospital?
Get inside your characters. Watch what they do, instead of pushing them to do what you want them to do to advance the plot. Get a strong visual picture of the setting, and convey that to your reader by a few telling details.
[This message has been edited by Rick Norwood (edited June 28, 2007).]
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