The shell faded, allowing him to see his new surroundings: a hall of towering machines ... and leaning against one, an elegant young woman gazing at him. "I've brought you forward thirty years to see the damage you did," she said. "I want you to go back and not do it."

==

Hi Everyone,

"Time Healer" is a short SF story of some 4,300 words. I'd appreciate comments on this first 13; offers to read would be a bonus.

"I've brought you forward thirty years to see the damage you did. I want you to go back and not do it." This is way too pat. How about if he is told little or nothing - then shown, not told, what result his actions have had. What happens if he does not choose to go back and change his ways? To him I mean - how will they "convince" him to change his ways?

I think nitewriter has some good ideas to help it out. There could be a little more drama in how the idea is introduced. If she is a healer, we need to know about the wound. Or at least have a bit more tension about it.

It might help to have a better idea about how they feel about each other. Does she pity him? Is she leery of him? Is he going to willingly heal things? (Maybe the future isn't so bleak for him.) Is she going to bully him? Just a little something at the beginning might do a lot to draw us in.

I don't really want to know that this woman is elegant or young. I want to know what she is wearing, what makes her interesting to him, what does she want, etc etc.

Making the second sentence a semi-flashback makes it anticlimactic. Why not start in the NY parking lot, searching for his Lincoln? That way you can establish why he was there, what he was doing there, etc.

Then the jarring mention of a translucent blue hemispherical shell is more interesting, less... matter of fact.

"Dazed and disoriented, Garry King stared at the inside of a translucent blue hemispherical shell[. instead of ; then capitalize the A] screaming drone of heavy machinery drifted down through the octaves to a murmur, as though exhausted. [I read this as the machinery was drifting down through the octaves, not its noise] Moments ago, [Abrupt transition; I would put someting in like "He stared around himself in shock," or "he still felt dazed from the suddeness of the event". Then start with the "Moments ago,"] as he hunted his Lincoln in a New York parking lot, the shell had engulfed him in an intense blue-white flash of energy and dumped him unceremoniously on a warm [get rid of comma] steel floor.
The shell faded, allowing him to see his new surroundings: a hall of towering machines [Get rid of the "...". Maybe put a period after "surroundings," then say "He was in a hall of towering machines, and leaning against one was an..."] and leaning against one, an elegant young woman gazing at him. "I've brought you forward thirty years to see the damage you did," she said. "I want you to go back and not do it." ["Not do it?" That's kind of poor grammer, I'd say "undo it" instead]

Hope this helps; I was definitely hooked and would be willing to read more. Just email it to me.

I've gathered that these critiques are opinions. That's certainly true for me. Keep that in mind.

Add another echo to the stuff about the long first sentence. BoredCow already hit my point. The clue is the dread semicolon. The part after the semicolon isn't a consequence of the part before and stands better as its own sentence.

The woman's dialog seems to be a change of intensity. Up to that point, you're describing a fantastic event with lots of disorienting dazzle. The backstep in the second sentence makes sense as what his mind would go through to recover from being dazed. The towering machines are all 'gee whiz' spectacular. After that, her statement falls flat. It's too simple.

I drive myself nuts - I know I have a tendency to write long sentences, yet still I do it. <I must not write long sentences. I must not write long sentences ...>

Here's a second attempt for your consideration.

Garry King had just found his Lincoln in the New York parking lot when a blaze of light and screaming noise suddenly engulfed him.

He found himself staring in confusion at the inside of a perfectly hemispherical blue shell. Slowly, the noise subsided. The shell faded away, revealing a hall of towering machines -- and a lovely young woman, dressed incongruously in a black evening gown and glittering, platinum jewelry.

"I've brought you forward thirty years to see the mess you made," she said. "I want you to go back and not make it."

quote:

---

Garry King had just found his Lincoln in the New York parking lot when a blaze of light and screaming noise suddenly engulfed him. [sorry, but I immediately have a problem with this type of sentance. Why not go for something like: Garry King pushed the key into the door of his Lincoln and hoped the New York roads wouldn't be too busy tonight. From nowhere, a blaze of light, and screaming noise engulfed him and he began to shake with fear. I added that last bit because I'm sure anyone surrounded by light and noise would be afraid but of course it's your story so just ingore me!]

He [b][found himself staring stared] in confusion at the inside of a perfectly hemispherical blue shell. Slowly, the noise subsided. The shell faded away, revealing a hall of towering machines -- and a lovely young woman, dressed incongruously in a black evening gown and glittering, platinum jewelry.

"I've brought you forward thirty years to see the mess you made," she said. "I want you to go back and not make it."[

---

Ok, so I'm slightly intrigued to the idea of him brought forward thirty years and being told what his actions did and would offer to read the entire thing if you want to send it my way. I'm not getting a sense of how this man feels though. As I already pointed out; he reacts as if this kind of thing happens to him all the time. All I get is a bit of confusion and would think he'd be afraid too.

Hope these suggestion are of use.

jeffrey.hite - thanks for the offer to read, I'll send a revion later this week.

quote:

---

Garry King had just found his Lincoln in the New York parking lot when [he was engulfed by] a [cacophonous<--Less redundant than "noise".] blaze of light.

He [stared] in confusion at the inside of a [Deleted] hemispherical blue shell. Slowly, the noise subsided. The shell faded away, revealing a hall of towering machines -- and a lovely young woman, dressed [Deleted] in a black evening gown and glittering, platinum jewelry.

"I've brought you forward thirty years to see the mess you made," she said. "I want you to go back and [not make it<--Wierd wording. I would think: I want you to go back and fix it.]"

---

Sorry if it was over 13, I thought it was ok. But I have been known to make mitsakes. Mistakes.

"I've brought you forward thirty years to see the mess you made," she said. "I want you to go back and not make it."

You remarked this sounds weird and BoredCrow said that a similar phrase in the earlier draft seemed ungrammatical.

So here's the thing. As Kind will find out shortly, the woman is a temporal mathematician with a precise mind. She knows that, from King's perspective, he has not yet done the thing she's bothered about so, from his time perspective, he can't fix something he hasn't done. In his future, when he gets the opportunity to do this thing, she wants him not to do it.

This line is the hook, and I'm reluctant to change it because, as it stands, the odd turn of phrase is logically consistent with other things she says, and tells us something about the woman's precision of mind, when eventually we understand it.

So my question is this: is the odd turn of phrase weird enough to put the reader off, or will most readers suspend judgment for a while?

When I said I'd read it, I was in effect saying that I trusted you to clear that up.

"A lot of us -- myself included -- have a habit of trying to "explain" what the reader misunderstood. You can do that here, but not in an editor's office: you won't be there."

Yes, IB, and for me that's one of the huge values of Hatrack. For example, it has enabled me to understand how various readers might feel about this hook and its use of language so I can revise (or not) accordingly.