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My very first thirteen! This is from a ~950 word short story that falls into either the experimentalist or dark fantasy genre - depending on how you interpret it. I'd love any and all feedback (I've actually had more trouble with the beginning of this than any other part of the story), and if anyone is willing to read the whole thing, I'd really appreciate it.
_____________________________________________________ I dreamed last night that the world ended. In my dream, I saw existence as a vast golden lake. It shimmered placidly in the sunlight, stretching out past the horizon. I turned and watched as the waters brushed against a wall of rock. Time went by, and the lake rose slowly up the cliff. In my dream, the waters finally reached their cusp. Everything hovered for a moment in perfect stillness. There was no movement, no sound except that of little wavelets lapping gently against the rock. Then a vortex formed, and the lake was sucked down into nothingness.
From my chair beside the window, I can see the gardens.
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Welcome to Hatrack. I like your opening sentence. A good hook with an action premise, but I would like to see follow up words that directly support it. The golden lake scene was deep (NPI), and although I’m sure it is vital to the story, it sedated me, and except for the sucking vortex the hook was lost. I believe all the story words are there but maybe needing a different order.
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I liked the voice of this piece. My only real suggestion would be to remove those In my dream bits. You don't need them and it reads just as well without them.
I'm also assuming the last sentance is not part of the dream?
I've offered to read a couple of pieces already but I'll look at it if you want to send it later in the week.
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You write well, but I'm afraid your first 13 tended to make my eyelids heavy. Still, I'll be willing to read the entire story and comment, if you would like to send it along.
Small suggestion: "From my chair beside the window, I can see the gardens."
Think about leaving out the second "the".
[This message has been edited by Rick Norwood (edited July 03, 2007).]
Something like the great floods. I felt for a second like I was reading The Noah story. Thought of Bill Cosby's Noah act, and laughed.
The Golden lake reminded me of scene in the Jose Framer's River World series when one of the rooms in the tower was flooded with Bourbon. Made me laugh again.
I have to agree with the others on this. To much description for an opening. I don't feel drawn in enough to read on even though the idea intrigued me. Give me more who and what and less how. since I am pretty sure laughter was not what you were going for, give me more to think about and less time to be distracted.
I think what you've got here is too much contrast in drama. Let me explain. If you start a story with high drama, like... somebody getting shot, then the next sentence/scene/character needs to be in line with that drama. If, however, the next scene is about the shooter making himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, the reader goes, HUH???
Your hook is great, as it alludes to the end of the world. You promise the reader a jolt, a surprise, something that might go bang! Except when you show a calm, shimmering golden lake right after, you can see how people have reacted: boredom.
So then you have two (immediate) choices: 1. build up the drama slowly, 2. make the dream more bang!
But then of course, you could make this into a jarring, humorous piece, like Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy. etc etc. Possibilities are endless.
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Yeah... I guess I should have left that last line out of the thirteen. It's the switch from the dream into the character's reality.
And this is not a humorous piece at all... it's just not well represented in the first thirteen lines, though I had no idea it could possibly be interpreted that way (glad I found out!)
And darklight, you're completely right about removing the 'in my dream' bits.
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