Hatrack River Writers Workshop   
my profile login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » The End of the World

   
Author Topic: The End of the World
BoredCrow
Member
Member # 5675

 - posted      Profile for BoredCrow   Email BoredCrow         Edit/Delete Post 
My very first thirteen!
This is from a ~950 word short story that falls into either the experimentalist or dark fantasy genre - depending on how you interpret it.
I'd love any and all feedback (I've actually had more trouble with the beginning of this than any other part of the story),
and if anyone is willing to read the whole thing, I'd really appreciate it.

_____________________________________________________
I dreamed last night that the world ended.
In my dream, I saw existence as a vast golden lake. It shimmered placidly in the sunlight, stretching out past the horizon. I turned and watched as the waters brushed against a wall of rock. Time went by, and the lake rose slowly up the cliff.
In my dream, the waters finally reached their cusp. Everything hovered for a moment in perfect stillness. There was no movement, no sound except that of little wavelets lapping gently against the rock.
Then a vortex formed, and the lake was sucked down into nothingness.

From my chair beside the window, I can see the gardens.


Posts: 554 | Registered: Jun 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Antinomy
Member
Member # 5136

 - posted      Profile for Antinomy   Email Antinomy         Edit/Delete Post 
Welcome to Hatrack.
I like your opening sentence. A good hook with an action premise, but I would like to see follow up words that directly support it. The golden lake scene was deep (NPI), and although I’m sure it is vital to the story, it sedated me, and except for the sucking vortex the hook was lost.
I believe all the story words are there but maybe needing a different order.

NPI = no pun intended


Posts: 147 | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
darklight
Member
Member # 5213

 - posted      Profile for darklight   Email darklight         Edit/Delete Post 
I liked the voice of this piece. My only real suggestion would be to remove those In my dream bits. You don't need them and it reads just as well without them.

I'm also assuming the last sentance is not part of the dream?

I've offered to read a couple of pieces already but I'll look at it if you want to send it later in the week.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Rick Norwood
Member
Member # 5604

 - posted      Profile for Rick Norwood   Email Rick Norwood         Edit/Delete Post 
You write well, but I'm afraid your first 13 tended to make my eyelids heavy. Still, I'll be willing to read the entire story and comment, if you would like to send it along.

Small suggestion: "From my chair beside the window, I can see the gardens."

Think about leaving out the second "the".

[This message has been edited by Rick Norwood (edited July 03, 2007).]


Posts: 557 | Registered: Jun 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
jeffrey.hite
Member
Member # 5278

 - posted      Profile for jeffrey.hite   Email jeffrey.hite         Edit/Delete Post 
interesting premise.

Something like the great floods. I felt for a second like I was reading The Noah story. Thought of Bill Cosby's Noah act, and laughed.

The Golden lake reminded me of scene in the Jose Framer's River World series when one of the rooms in the tower was flooded with Bourbon. Made me laugh again.

I have to agree with the others on this. To much description for an opening. I don't feel drawn in enough to read on even though the idea intrigued me. Give me more who and what and less how. since I am pretty sure laughter was not what you were going for, give me more to think about and less time to be distracted.


Posts: 95 | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
sleepn247
Member
Member # 5312

 - posted      Profile for sleepn247   Email sleepn247         Edit/Delete Post 
Welcome!

I think what you've got here is too much contrast in drama. Let me explain. If you start a story with high drama, like... somebody getting shot, then the next sentence/scene/character needs to be in line with that drama. If, however, the next scene is about the shooter making himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, the reader goes, HUH???

Your hook is great, as it alludes to the end of the world. You promise the reader a jolt, a surprise, something that might go bang! Except when you show a calm, shimmering golden lake right after, you can see how people have reacted: boredom.

So then you have two (immediate) choices: 1. build up the drama slowly, 2. make the dream more bang!

But then of course, you could make this into a jarring, humorous piece, like Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy. etc etc. Possibilities are endless.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
BoredCrow
Member
Member # 5675

 - posted      Profile for BoredCrow   Email BoredCrow         Edit/Delete Post 
Yeah... I guess I should have left that last line out of the thirteen. It's the switch from the dream into the character's reality.

And this is not a humorous piece at all... it's just not well represented in the first thirteen lines, though I had no idea it could possibly be interpreted that way (glad I found out!)

And darklight, you're completely right about removing the 'in my dream' bits.

Thanks for the input, everyone.


Posts: 554 | Registered: Jun 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2