"I think it is time for me to retire."
"You are twenty-four, twit."
"Precisely – I’m getting old. Considering how long I’m in this business I should be dead by now. The only possible choice is to retire. My daughter is eight years old. It is time for me to accept fatherhood and to abandon the servitude to the war god. I’m returning home."

"I think it is time for me to retire." - Yeah! Hits close to home.

"You are twenty-four, twit." - Boo! I couldn't do that.

"in this business I should be dead by now" and "abandon the servitude to the war god." - Yeah! Life expectancy issues = early retirement

"You are twenty-four, twit." and "My daughter is eight years old." Huh? Now that's interesting. The MC appears to have gained maturity in 8 years.

Seriously, the noble goal and possibilities for a soldier to escape his servitude could make an interesting conflict.

"Let's just say he never reached home..." - Is this in your first 13? If so, it blows the curiosity. It's a downer after all the noble, hopeful buildup.

Gonna guess he has a name other than 'twit' and he's not talking about blatant desertion from an army. Those would be points to cover soon, if not work into the 13 lines.

I especially don't like ones that asks me accept so many things on "credit." Credit in this case is the author begging the reader for a loan of time to read a story I know nothing about.

This story gives me very little in the way of collateral.

I need you to prove your credit worthiness by increasing the value of your down payment.

1) 16 year old fathers. So, 13-16 year old mothers? Culture issues must be addressed or left till later.

2) 24 year old even being allowed to "retire" from service just becuase he feels tired. I'm sorry but no I need a better reason than "I'm tired"

3) "service to the War God" that alone needs a better development and would have sent you to the back of the line your book. I don't know if this is a "real" god or just the way servants of the War God's religion refer to service in the name of their deity. I need to know is tis service in an army or as a vigilante warrior, is it as a priest or as a solider? is this a grunt or a general.

4) War God at all. As noted by others this indicates a very martial people. Its also marginally trite and cliche. I need to know what you plan to do in this story to make your character transcend cliche and become a "real boy"

These are not THE first lines of the story; I like to consider them as a plot opener. I didn't want to post more because those 13 lines would be mostly filled with describing a setting.

First thing to note: the 'war god' is a symbol of philosophy, not religion (hence the absence of capital letters). It is philosophy of the older one, calling the young one a 'twit'. OK, this sounds stupid. The elder's name is Anherey, the younger is Enniorhon.

By the time Enniorhon was 22, he participated in over 50 battles. He was a soldier under a general's command from the age 16 to 17. Then he deserted and left his station (personal reasons). He travelled to other countries where warriors were independant mercenaries - heroes, one might call them. He became one too.

In the next five years Enniorhon achieved fame unlike any other hero in the world. He set himself a goal to kill a monster of the enemy (figuratively speaking, of course). He searched years for this man until finally locating him and slaying him. After this kill he began to think about going home - he was sick of war.

'Let's just say he never reached home...' This was my personal note, not a part of 13 lines. He never reached home
not because they wouldn't let him, but because fate decided otherwise. He was born for war and could not abandon it.
If he tried to evade battle, battle found him.

I've also had the experience of suddenly having a paragraph of a story I'm writing pop into my head essentially full blown (like Athena from the brow of Zeus) and usually when that happens, I go with it. Words from the subconscious are not to be rejected lightly.

By the way, a father at 16 and old at 24 are the norm, not the exception, for human beings. It is our current mores that are the exception.

quote:

---

"I think it is time for me to retire."
"You are [twenty-four, twit.This confuses me as to whether this story is in a historical/fantasy or Sci-Fi/furturistic realm."
"Precisely – I’m getting old. Considering how long I’[ve been] in this business[,] I should be dead by now. The only possible choice is to retire. My daughter is eight years old. It is time for me to accept fatherhood and to abandon the servitude to [The word: the makes this--> war god into: War God]. I’m returning home."

---

1) Some would argue that "serving the War God" in any context is definately religious. Others would argue that philosophy and science ARE religions. If not, it would HAVE to be a euphemism, and that does not appear to be the case. And if he thinks of it (or a person) as The one and only, it is the War God].

2) There are not 13 lines here. There is 7.

3) This is a deception if it's not the FIRST 13. We may never have read until this part.

If its important, elaborate on it. If not, cut it out.

First 13 lines of the story:
________________________________________________---
Anherey left the loud proximity of camp fires behind and despite his numerous wounds and years climbed up the steep rock incline. He soon knew where Enniorhon is: it was not difficult to find him if he wanted to be found. The rythmic sound of whetstone against steel was unmistakable; Anherey knew the whetstone's song of every one of his 'children'. This time Enniorhon's song was different somehow.

He found him thirty meters above the sea waves. As usual he was sitting alone, in darkness. It was Enniorhon, not Anherey, who began to speak. It never happened before.
"So, what's the verdict?"
"You are still as stuborn and reckless as on the day we've met."
"That good, huh?"

[This message has been edited by MartinV (edited July 06, 2007).]

[This message has been edited by MartinV (edited July 06, 2007).]

I think the first version is just fine.
While it's easy to get to the nitpicking here, as a hook, I think it works very well. And the new version sounds like everything else.
Sure, it's usually a mistake to launch with dialogue that is unattributed. A few lines before or "beats" within the dailogue can help us out there.

You DO put us square in sympathy with a character that is going to be picked off, of course. Which isn't nice.

I think you've got the rhythm down right. You need to reconsider whether you want to jerk us out of our attachment to the story so fast, though.

This new 13 isn't bad but the first sentence should be split into two. Or maybe just shortened. The two "ands" so close (yes I realize one conjoins two clauses and the other a pair of somethings) strike me as an sentence thats gone too long.

The bit about the steel on stone is nice but I think the use of a colon in the previous sentence is a bit chunky.

Maybe cut after the colon and make the colon into a semicolon for "the rhythmic..."

I think its a bit silly to give the height of the cliff, I mean really is it needed and why would they a) know the exact height and b)be using SI units?. Its a superfluous bit of data that doesn't really describe the cliff's appearance. I'd rather you tell me about the sheer drop his feet dangled over or the waves that crash on the breakers below.

I feel that "It never happened before" is either redundant since you make the point of mentioning Enniorhon speaks first which already indicates to the reader this is a significant act or b) belongs as a part of the preceding sentence.

Maybe "Breaking tradition Enniorhon,not Anherey, spoke first."

To other business, Rick I realize delaying the marriage age till later in life is a relatively "western" thing to do. However, the audience is western. What with the current atmosphere regarding "predators" its safer to introduce to the reader the cultural elements that would allow a man to marry at 15/6 and a woman at 13. It doesn't have to be much "It was the first may pole dance for both of us."

Something that indicates a ritualistic courtship pattern in the society.

I agree with Matt about the measurement of the cliff. I usually use bowshots as a measure, strides perhaps, handspans sometimes. All of those are fairly timeless and can be visualized.

Your opening didn't grab me at all. I can't say I saw any hook, but I would probably be willing to read a page or two anyway if I picked it up in a bookstore.

In a culture where women marry and start childbearing (and dying since a "woman" who has a child it 13 is highly likely to have a very short lifespan) at 13, women will have an extremely low social status. I think you need to do some social setting for this kind of thing, not just throw it in.