posted
I was going to write a high fantasy, but this story, which has been boiling in the back of my mind for more than a year, jumped out yesterday, and laughed at my other plans. I wrote 2400 words in under two hours, and couldn't stop until the story was finished. I'll do a rewrite, of course, but first I thought I'd get some feedback on the first 13.
Killing Smith
Rick Norwood
I was very frightened of Landon Smith, for I knew that in attempting to kill him I was on his home ground, that his experience with violence was much greater than my own. Therefore, I took no chances, but planned out every detail in advance. After his release from prison, I watched him from a distance, through binoculars, for six weeks, until I knew his habits and his routine better than I knew my own. I had saved up two months of vacation time, over the past five years, just for this purpose. I knew almost nothing about guns, but I had read in the newspaper that it was easy to buy them at a gun show, and so I drove to a gun show in another state, gave a false name, and
posted
too cool. I might cut the reference to six weeks and just say "for weeks" or something, unless there is some specific reason for it be six weeks. But creepy and cool and I liked it! deb
Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
Hate when that happens - a story laughs at my plans. On the other hand, 2400 words usually take me all day - and then the next day, too.
Your (unnamed) MC has serious revenge on his mind. Smith was in prison, so the revenge is likely for a crime. One hook is to know what is driving MC for that revenge.
The MC isn't well versed in violence or tactics by his own admission. I might be interested in how much he learns or what sort of mistakes he makes.
All the tracking and surveillance, and "planned out every detail" say one thing. The MC's approach to obtaining a weapon says something else. (S)He's nowhere as meticulous about that part of the plan. It doesn't seem consistent.
I'm sure giving a false name, and I think going to another state, to purchase firearms violate federal law. That raises the flag of a political hot-button.
posted
instead of a gun shwo, how about haunting the swap meets just over the state line? get to know some of the folks there, i bet they could set you up. Just guessing, but swap meets out in arizona are . . . interesting Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
I'll do a technical sweep - I saw instances of too many commas and places with extra words that could be omitted unless they are of relevance for reasons not apparent in the first 13. Here goes:
quote: I was very frightened of Landon Smith, for I knew that in attempting to kill him I was on his home ground.(new sentence) His experience with violence was much greater than my own. <Delete - Therefore,> I took no chances, but (could use and instead since I axed therefore.) planned out every detail in advance. After his release from prison, I watched him from a distance, through binoculars, for six weeks, (the commas are killing the flow here. Can you lose the for six weeks w/o any material loss in storyline?) until I knew his habits and his routine better than I knew my own. I had saved up two months of vacation time, over the past five years (same thing here - can we lose the past 5 years? while it tells us a bit about how obsessed this guy is, it's also just a bit too much, and breaks the flow again.), just for this purpose. I knew almost nothing about guns, but I had read in the newspaper that it was easy to buy them at a gun show, (why not do a new sentence with "One day I..." - could even take some time to characterize MC a little, one day I packed a peanut butter sandwich and a big gulp of Jolt and headed down the 405 to get me a gun. or One day I drove my beat up 1972 mustang across the state line to...)and so I drove to a gun show in another state, gave a false name, and
This is a suggestion for rewording the first paragraph:
quote:I was very frightened of Landon Smith. His experience with violence was much greater than my own. Therefore, I took no chances, but planned out every detail of his murder in advance.
IMHO, I think by cutting down the first sentence it gives it a nice punch.
Could some action be inserted into the first 13? What's the MC doing at the moment?
posted
All great ideas. Hunter, I've taken your opening verbatim, except for the word "murder". (The POV character does not think of what he is doing as murder.) Debhoag, I love the bit about swap meets, and have rewritten accordingly.
I have a weakness for commas. I've gone through the manuscript cutting as many dependant clauses as I thought I could live without.
If anyone would like to critique the manuscript before I send it off, let me know. I should warn you, don't read it unless you have a strong stomach.
[This message has been edited by Rick Norwood (edited July 07, 2007).]
posted
I'm sounding like a broken record already today.
Active verbs, active verbs, active verbs.
Submitting a story with a static verb in the very first sentence is editorially deadly.
In the first paragarph, start up the CPR.
In the first page, you're still breathing, but just barely.
'Was' appears three times in the first sentence. Flat-line.
The rest of the fragment has ALL active verbs. Much better.
Aside from that, I'm not much taken with it, mainly because there's a lot of story being skimmed over and hinted at, but that apparently isn't going to be told. A lot of backstory in that first paragraph. It almost feels like you're summarizing the story you're about to tell. I'd rather you just get on with the story.
posted
I disagree about the passive verbs in the first paragraph. Perhaps it is a bit old fashioned, but I still subscribe to OSC's sentiment that the first paragraph is free. Perhaps I extend it too much. Rather than following flat rules of "do this; never do that," I'm starting to feel the key to truly great writing is to do as Matsuo Basho said: "Learn the rules well, and then forget them." In other words, know them so well you know when and how you can break them, and at what cost. I'm not at that level by any means, but I'm starting to catch a hint of the goal.
In this case, I think it works because it moves from a passive paragraph that gives much, to an active paragraph. If it carried any longer, I would join the protest. To me that introductory passive tone expresses the victim-hood of the narrator. A passive verb receives action.
What I think we could use is a sense of setting. Where is the narrator right now?
I also think the text could be tightened up a bit.
I think it has a hook. It feels classic, because we start to see Smith as this violent beast and the narrator as more passive--as highlighted by that passive opening paragraph.
I'll pass on reading, if you don't mind. Normally, a bit of torture and gore is fine in my book (in a literary sense), but I find myself not in the mood for it right now.
It does sound like a revenge story, too. I feel that revenge is probably one of the oldest plot patterns we have (and that is good for this story, not bad). But I think revenge is tricky. It works because we can all identify with the gut-level need for revenge. I think we feel revenge all the way down into early childhood.
I think the lead character in a revenge story needs to be sympathetic--more than usual maybe--and I think that ultimately the desire for revenge should have an inner effect on the character. To me, revenge is a desire to restore order and normalcy to the character's world.
In a classic revenge plot, I would like to see the protagonist in his normal environment, disrupted by something--followed by suffering and possible discovery--and then the revenge itself. This seems to skip much of that. Space is at a premium in a short story, so I understand things must be tight, but I wonder at how effective a story will be if such setup goes missing. The reader will want to bond with the narrator, so they can invest in the revenge. Otherwise, I doubt the end will be satisfying. If those things are still met in the story, it sounds like it should be strong. I hope to read it somewhere, sometime.
PS. On a personal note, I began to hate revenge stories for a while because they leaned towards mindless violence. But they don't have to be that way. The Count of Monte Cristo is a good tale of revenge. There's a huge chasm between that and The Punisher movie.
posted
For this character, the understatement of "very frightened" is more in character than the overstatement of "terrified". The character would not use "terrified" because he would consider it melodramatic.
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posted
The MC's characterization is gender-neutral, most likely on purpose, and you did not give any clues in your follow-ups. My guess would be female, based on a weak clue: I've noticed that women are more likely to say that they are frightened while men say they are scared or perhaps afraid. This wasn't a useful comment, but thought you might find it amusing. Good luck.
Posts: 746 | Registered: Jun 2007
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posted
WouldBe, I've been bugging him to spill the secret for days now! Rick, we're gonna have to get rough with you, pretty soon - I know how to yell in caps, now, and I'm not afraid to use 'em!
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