Title: Keeper Beetle or Keeper Bug
Count: 4,400 words

I am looking for critiques and any feedback on the opening.

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Pen Tracey felt groggy. He sat on the edge of his bed in the Arizona hotel attic he'd called home for a year. Last night remained fragmented, dim and blurry. He remembered drinking and laughing; it wasn't like him to get drunk.

A man's voice from behind interrupted his thoughts. "How much you remember of last night? You remember the blood oath?"

Pen turned to look at the intruder, squinting against the pain such volume caused. He recognized the man. "Hardy?"

"Call me Mr. Lynch. Not Hardy, and not brother-in-law. Not since you made me a widower, see. You been alive four years too long and that little error will be corrected, today."

Pen felt a knot in his stomach, and not for the revolver resting in Hardy's lap. Memories of his sister's death came back...
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Thanks for your time.

[This message has been edited by lehollis (edited July 19, 2007).]

After first reading it, I agreed with these comments: "change his name to Penn", "grammatically overcomplicated", and "drop the first paragraph" (although I'm not sure that you could cut it completely -- otherwise the setup is weird).

"Pen Tracey felt groggy." isn't a very strong opening sentence, especially when something shocking is about to happen. Maybe start with the surprise of the man in the room rather than the groggy feeling of the hangover.

"and that little error will be corrected, today." is probably unnecessary. It's probably scarier to have someone say simply, "You've lived about four years too long."

I didn't have a problem with "and not for the revolver", but enough people have reacted to it that you might consider altering it. The writing is standing out more than story for some people.

More importantly, it looks like you're dropping me into a flashback before I care about the character.

Fine so far, take the critique for what it's worth. (Yes, about what you paid for it.) If you read what follows and decide that you want to ignore it, keeping only my first reactions, then that's okay. But when I read it again, I realized that there were issues here that stuck with me.

First, Pen was sitting on the edge of the bed. He had sat up without noticing the man behind him? That seems beyond groggy. It's utterly oblivious.

Also -- and I know that this may sound totally over the top -- but what's the orientation of this room, and where is the "intruder" in it? He's at the door? In which case Pen's sitting on the edge of the bed looking out the window, maybe? Or the intruder came in through the window, and Pen's looking out the door? Or the intruder was in the room, past the door, which indicates that he's been in there for a while (and which should shock the heck out of Pen)?

I guess this just feels a little surreal. I don't necessarily need a description of the room, but I have no idea what "from behind" means in this context, so my image of this scene "remain[s] fragmented, dim and blurry."

Also, note that when a man's voice interrupted Pen's thoughts in his bedroom, just after he wakes up, he "turned" to look at the intruder. He didn't jump out of his skin? (I suppose the man could be in the doorway, which would be less shocking; but that's not clear, and "from behind him" makes me think he's not.)

Finally, the overall conversation feels weird. He was drunk last night; Lynch knows something about last night; Lynch refers to a "blood oath", and we don't see Pen react either with surprise ("what the hell is he talking about?") or another emotion ("oh, dude, I shouldn't have done that" or "the proudest moment of my life" or "stupid ritual"); Lynch is going to kill him because of something four years ago, which doesn't make it feel like he would have been one of Pen's boon companions the night before, so how does he know about it? If the latter confusion were made into part of the hook, that would be one thing, but as it stands it just seems confusing.

I'm not sure what to do about all this, and I don't want to rewrite you, but maybe... Hmmm...

Why not start with the intruder in the doorway, or sitting on a chair, or something?

Maybe have Pen wake up to him asking the question -- maybe not fully at first, because he doesn't really realize he's not dreaming yet (especially if he recognizes his brother-in-law's voice, and doesn't expect him to be there), but then snapping awake when Lynch says, "...blood oath?" That's when he sits up and sees the man, whom you might by now already have identified as his brother-in-law?

Of course, I'm just thinking out loud. You're the writer, so you get the tough job of reacting to all this criticism and picking out what you want to take from it.

Enough blather!

Oliver, thank you for taking the time. Your feedback is excellent.

Since it came up a few times, I changed the "not for" line. It just got bumped out of the first thirteen, so you won't see it in the revision.

I should also note that the protagonists full name is Pendleton, so I shortened it to Pen, not Penn. In an earlier draft, Lynch referred to him as Pendleton in the first 13 so that might make more sense if put back in. Would Penn make more sense from Pendleton?

Honestly, most other questions are answered shortly after the first thirteen, so some things weren't changed because of that.

I hate to start a story with the PoV character waking up, but maybe it will work better this way?

REVISION 1
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"How much you remember about last night, Pendleton. You remember the blood oath you took?"

The voice startled Pen Tracey from a deep, drooling sleep. His room spun around him as he struggled to sit up. The voice sounded familiar, and he tried to focus on the man reclined in the crooked bar chair by the window. What the hell? How long had he been here? And what blood oath?

"Hardy?" Pen asked. He remembered drinking, gambling and laughing. It wasn't like him to get that drunk, but he certainly didn't remember Hardy from last night. It had been years.

"Call me Mr. Lynch, not Hardy, not brother-in-law. Not since you made me a widower, see. You been alive about four years too long."
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Note that it does not go into a flashback from here.

Any further feedback is appreciated.

Of course, I can't stop with saying something nice.

Two full sentences "startle" Pen Tracey awake. (I like the way you clarify the name, by the way. Nice solution to your problem.) That doesn't seem right. I don't want to rewrite you, but can I rearrange you just a teeny bit?

quote:

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"Pendleton."

The voice startled Pen Tracey from a deep, drooling sleep. His room spun around him as he struggled to sit up.

"How much you remember about last night, Pendleton? You remember the blood oath you took?"

The voice sounded familiar,...

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And now that I'm this invested in the story, why not ship it to me? I can't guarantee a fast reply, though.