This short story (about 4000 words) is contemporary fantasy. I'm curious which of the two openings you all think is better. The worry I have about the second one is that the storm mentioned in the first opening (which comes up in line 14 of the alternate opening) actually is unnatural (so would it be too weird that they were talking about it before the storm hits?)

Any and all feedback is appreciated. And, as usual, I would greatly appreciate any volunteers to read the story.

#1____________________________________________________________
“Feels like rain,” Meredith said.
“There’s not supposed to be a storm today,” Kasey said.
“I agree with Meredith,” I said. I looked up at the sky through the gently moving autumn leaves in the trees. “Can’t you feel the difference in the air?”
“It’s not going to rain! I checked, for my soccer game.”
“Well, there’s the evidence for my side, right down there.” I gestured to the dark line of clouds on the horizon. We were sitting on our usual perch on the open bay windowsill of our classroom, so we had a good view down 5th Avenue to the water and all the boats docked at the harbor.
“Whatever. It’d better pass us by.”
“I hope not,” Meredith said. “I love thunderstorms.”

#2_______________________________________________________
“Do you believe in fairies?” Meredith asked.
Kasey and I stared down at her from our perch on the windowsill. “And the ‘random question of the day’ award goes to Meredith,” I said.
“Of course I don’t,” Kasey said, rolling her eyes. “That’s kid stuff.”
Meredith idly plucked long dandelion stems from the grass she was sitting in. “Not fairies like Tinkerbell. The cruel kind. And it’s not random, Rhianna. We’ve been talking about mythology in honors English.”
“Oh. But never mind what kind of fairies, I agree with Kasey,” I said. “People made up tales about changelings and such just to explain things they didn’t understand.”

The second has a small hook. We assume there's a reason this person is asking about fairies, presumably beyond honors English.

So, I'll focus on the second opening:

What emotion are you trying to convey when she's plucking dandelions? To me, it seems casual. Almost as if she doesn't have much interest in the conversation she started. If she doesn't, why should I, as a reader? (For example, if she were to lean forward, and say, "I'm serious, guys," I would feel her interest, and it would be more interesting to me. This is important to her. There MUST be a reason.)

Talking about the weather is boring. The worse kind of small talk. Since the storm is important why don't you start there?

Or do the Witches of Eastwick (*the movie version and not the book one, which starts in a differnt place) take - ie. very boring scene - dedication of a park - MC wishes for it to be over (so too the audience) and vicious storm arrives.

I thought the "‘random question of the day’ award" was cute and showed the sort of best-friend familiarity that would let them talk that way with each other. "Where did that come from?" - not so much.

The third and first versions don't tell us the first-person MC's name.

The third version doesn't give the same clue about their ages as "windowsill of our classroom" and "honors English." Those clue phrases did cost too much in the first 13, and aren't missed by themselves. MC's name, ages and the school setting are the things I'd hope to find out about soon.

Version 3:

quote:

---

“Do you believe in [fairies?” Meredith<--That association again.] asked.
Kasey and I stared down[Down where?] at her from our perch on the windowsill. “Where did that come from?” I asked.
“Of course I don’t,” Kasey said[.<--Keep the tag simple. She] roll[ed] her eyes. “That’s kid stuff.”
“People just made up tales about changelings and such to explain what they didn’t understand,” I said.
Meredith put down the dandelion stems she’d been weaving into a braid to glare at us. “I’m serious, guys. Not fairies like Tinkerbell or cute little elves from stories. The cruel kind.”
“Fine,”[Eh?] I[I think one of the other two should've named the PoV character by now. I'm not certain whether it's a boy or girl.] said, “but really, why did make you ask?”
“Well, I’ve been watching those clouds [down on<--over might be a better description.] the ocean[Delete comma. It's not needed.] and there's something.. wrong with them. They're moving too fast

---

1) The PoV never answers the question.
2) How many kids would have heard of "the cruel kind" of faerie?
3) Meredith refers to the storm when asked by the PoV why she was thinking about faeries, but, neither answers, alludes to ananswer, or explains how the storm -- in her mind -- is related to faeries.

I agree that the 3rd version has a better hook. Something is lost from the PoV-depth in second version when you eliminate: "And the ‘random question of the day’ award goes to Meredith,” I said.And, the PoV's name -- Rhianna -- is completely left out.

I hope this helps.

Kids like these would.

My problem with the story is that the dialog does not seem natural to me. Try reading it out loud. Try recording it and playing it back. To my ear, it does not flow -- it reads like written rather than spoken dialog.

Here is a more general point. When I'm writing dialog, it always goes very fast. I 'hear' with my inner ear faster than I can type.

Even when I go back to rewrite, taking out all the verbal throat clearing and trying to punch the dialog up beyond naturalism to the point where it is actually interesting, I've got to do it fast.

I like this version much better. You took out a few details that helped root us in place and gave us a sense of the MC/POV. You might want to add those details back it.

Ex.

Do you believe in fairies?” Meredith asked.
We were sitting on our usual perch on the open bay windowsill of our classroom, so we had a good view down 5th Avenue to the water and all the boats docked at the harbor.
“And the ‘random question of the day’ award goes to Meredith,” I said.
Kasey rolled her eyes. “That’s kid stuff.”
“People just made up tales about changelings and such to explain what they didn’t understand,” I said.
Meredith put down the dandelion stems she’d been weaving into a braid to glare at us. “I’m serious, guys. <-- not necessary IMHO Not fairies like Tinkerbell (or cute little elves from stories.) <-- not necessary. The one example was great. Leave it there. but [t]he cruel kind.”
“Fine,” I said, “but really, why [did make you ask) Awkward M'b - <Why do you want to know> - If R. believes in them and doesn't want to admit it, she'll get a bit defensive and try to turn the topic ”
“Well <--- Don't need this. Yes we all say it - along with Ahmm and Uh - but don't write it into the dialog unless it is a character trait , I’ve been watching those clouds down on the ocean, and there's something.. wrong with them. They're moving too fast

I don't mind knowing the MC's name yet because it wouldn't naturally come up. Dialog is tough to write. Try not to have any dialog that doesn't move your plot. This means - rarely will a character greet another one, rarely will there be small talk, rarely will there be verbal diarrhea or the brain starters of Ahh, Um, Uh, Oh or Well. While we all use them to speak in written dialog they sound unnatural.

Try to make the connection between the strange fast moving storm up with the fairy question a bit clearer.

Other than that, good rewrite.

Thanks for your suggestions everyone; they gave me a lot to think about. Most of you hit on something I hadn't even realized I'd been uncomfortable about: the use of the term "fairie." So I replaced it with something that actually does make more sense for the story as a whole. (Rick - I totally didn't think about the LKH connection. Hopefully it's not so obvious now; I really hate having to rename characters).
Let me know if you think this way works better. Her mention of the storm is still there.
I'm also not sure I like Meredith says in her second line. Any suggestions on how to improve it? (I'll be thinking it over).

My take:

quote:

---

“Do you believe in evil?” Meredith asked.
Kasey and I stared down at her from our perch on the windowsill[Inside windowsill, or outside?] of our classroom. “And the ‘random question of the day’ award goes to Meredith,” I said.
“Of course I don’t,” Kasey said, rolling her eyes. “You know I’m an atheist.”
“As am I,” I said. “I don’t believe in Satan.
Meredith put down [the dandelion stems she’d been weaving<--This brings up the inside/outside question again.] into a braid. “It doesn’t have to be about the devil, Rhianna. I’m talking about something more… formless.”
Kasey and I exchanged glances. Meredith had always been the fanciful one, but there was a tremor in her voice [that hinted that<--May want to find an alternate phrasing.] this wasn’t one of her games.

---

All-in-all, this is much better. It's fairly clean and most of this IS the hook.

Maybe Rhianna's reply should be: "Where'd that come from?" But, that's not the problem I have nagging me about the dialogue. My problem is Kasey's next statement. Not what it says; where it is. I think Meredith should reply to Rhianna first. It does two things: 1) Identifies the PoV, and 2) Flows smoother as a conversation. Oh, and: How old are the girls? What grade? At first I was picturing ten-to-twelve-year-olds; now, I'm thinking highschool/fifteen-to-sixteen at the very least.

Other than the noted Nits, I like it.

You give us an MC, a bit of her personality, a location and a set up - i.e. there is some reason Meredith (who otherwise seems the lighthearted type as she's weaving a danelion crown) is wondering about evil.

Great rewrite.

I liked Meredith's second line of dialog. She's unsure of how to describe it herself so "formless" worked for me. "Older" or "more basic" would have too.

One bit of confusion - Are Kasey and Rhianna sitting in a first story windowsill so Meredith is sitting on the ground? I had thought from the previous versions that the sill was higher up because they could see across town to the waterfront. But after re-reading this, it only makes sense that Mededith is sitting on the ground otherwise she wouldn't have the dandelion stems.

NITS/cutting suggestions

A few cutting issues:
“Of course I don’t,” Kasey said, rolling her eyes. “You know I’m an atheist.”
“As am I,” I said. “I don’t believe in Satan.

I think you could lose the first part of both of these sentances without harming the story or characterization. You could cut the "You know . . " from Kasey's dialog too.

"Meredith had always been the fanciful one, but there was a tremor in her voice that hinted that this wasn’t one of her games."

You don't have to tell me Meredith is "the fanciful one" because you've shown it. She's making a dandelion crown. The section after the "but" bothers me but I can't say why.

Great job though.

I'd read on. Ship it to me but I am behind on getting feeback out.