EDIT: There is an updated version farther down.

Title: "A Perfect Beast"
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I don't quite know what to call my pet. The officials investigating my lady friend's disappearance are scurrying to find out; perhaps they'll soon answer a mystery that I never cared to solve.

I got him at an auction house on Greensward, although not as part of the main sale. A porter was delivering goods to me with the creature on his shoulder. I'd just bought a set of gwythbwyll mallets -- real hickory with true pearl inlays -- and when my lady friend expressed delight at the creature, I had to buy him. It would've seemed insufficiently graceful to do otherwise.

He has four legs -- unusual, perhaps, but not unheard of on those planets near civilization's cradle. He was small at the
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A warning: it's not plot-heavy. It's not lyric poetry, either, but it's not a thriller.

Thanks!
Oliver

I'm not opposed to space opera but I don't feel a hook here.

The writing is relatively sound but I just don't feel like I care about a crazy pet.

The disappearing lady friend might have been, if the narrator showed more interest in that.

Is there something interesting about the pet you can tell us? Right about the time I hit "Four Legs", I was yearning for some interesting little tidbit that would make me think it was unique or interesting. Three, five or six legs would have done it. Four legs didn't, even if it isn't common in that universe.

What follows isn't in the spirit of argument -- I acknowledge your reactions to the text, and I am looking for ways to incorporate that feedback into a more final draft. But I like seeing other people's thought processes, so I'm exposing mine.

It's definitely not space opera. It started as a writing exercise where I was supposed to describe a pet. Rather than just write a description, I decided to make a character describe it. Then I decided to make each part of the description tie into a plot point. So although the text is ostensibly "about" the pet, it's really a story about the pet, the MC, and the lady friend.

The man's disinterest in the lady friend is a key part of his character, so I might have to see if I can make it more compelling while still keeping him blase.

And it's way, way not an earth dog. Your guess indicates that I should convey its fantabulousness (or is that "fabulosity"? Where is Mr. Writing Person when you need him?) to the narrator and to any Earthlings who might read his description.

I'm also iffy about using lady-friend too much. Give her a name.

I'm not truly hooked here, but I might give you another page to get me hooked based on your technical ability. Of course, once I read your comments on this story (a writing exercise where you have to describe a pet) it made me pause. Each part of the description tie to a plot point? At this point, it sounds like your going for style over substance, at which point you've lost me. Maybe that's just my impression.

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I don't quite know what to call my pet. <--I like this starting line. It immediately sets the tone that we are dealing with something mysterious, and I expect this mystery to be somewhat unusual. The officials investigating my lady friend's disappearance are scurrying to find out; perhaps they'll soon answer a mystery that I never cared to solve. <--I disagree with the others that you use lady-friend too much. You have already set me up to expect some mystery, and the lack of use of her name gives me a sense of detachment with your character. Maybe he doesn't even remember the name, or he has to really think about it to remember it. It did come off as a little odd that the authorities are so concerned about the animal--why is it important to her disappearance? Once I got past the oddness, and reread it to be sure I understood what the sentence meant, it was okay. But since I had to reread it, there might be a better way to state it.

I got him at an auction house on Greensward, although not as part of the main sale. A porter was delivering goods to me with the creature on his shoulder. I'd just bought a set of gwythbwyll mallets -- real hickory with true pearl inlays -- and when my lady friend expressed delight at the creature, I had to buy him. It would've seemed insufficiently graceful to do otherwise.<--This all seems pretty good to me. I expect you'll get back to the lady, but for now you are drawing me into the mystery of the beast's origin. "Gwythbwyll" makes me think the culture is a throwback to Olde English, and it kind of sticks out, but I'm good with it.

He has four legs -- unusual, perhaps, but not unheard of on those planets near civilization's cradle. He was small at the

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The mystery of the animal and the interplanetary implications have me pretty well hooked, although, if there is an especially unusual attribute, it might hook me more to know of it up front. "I don't quite know what to call my triple-tongued pet." (Maybe--depends on what you are trying to do.) I personally think the tie to the lady-friend enhances the hook. It's not just a mysterious animal story--I can expect more.

Sorry. It's Welsh, and I think it's a board game. It was a placeholder that became transparent to me, and I should have changed it before putting it on F&F.

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Of course, once I read your comments on this story (a writing exercise where you have to describe a pet) it made me pause.

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I wouldn't submit a story unless it worked as a story, just like Chopin didn't write piano studies that weren't also beautiful music. (Not that I'm Chopin, but...) Its genesis is incidental, and maybe I shouldn't have brought it up.

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I'd be happy to read it if you aren't in a hurry.

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Lehollis, for what it's worth, for the first page and a half, my wife wondered if the creature would turn out to be a man.

Which leads me to a question: could this be corrected for the slush reader by including a cover letter saying only, "The creature isn't a dog, cat, man, or other creature familiar to earth people"?

P.S. On its way to you, too, Djvdakota, and please send me yours.

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The officials investigating my lady friend's disappearance would like to know what kind of creature my pet is. I'm afraid I can't help them.

I got him at an auction house on Greensward, although not as part of the main sale. He was perched on the shoulder of a porter who was delivering goods to me. He seemed to grin at us, which delighted my lady friend – and obliged me to buy him. After my somewhat frivolous personal expenditure – a set of gridball mallets, made from earth hickory with true pearl inlays – it would’ve seemed insufficiently graceful to do otherwise.

The smile derives from a dislocating jaw that, though he’s mammalian, reminds me of a serpent. It sits close to the body

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Thanks!
Oliver

I personally don't think you should feel obligated to clear up the mundane/human uncertainty in the first 13, though very soon afterward would be good. It sort of seems like you are trying to force it in the latest version. Still, if you wanted to, I think you could do it with a quick hit. You might try something like this:

I don't quite know what to call my pet. The officials investigating my lady friend's disappearance are scurrying to find out. Myself, I don't feel the need to identify my friend with his dislocating jaw.

Immediately, I'm discouraged from thinking of it as human, and it is clearer than the original. I'm sure it can be written more gracefully, though. (And notice that I used lines from the original first 13. I think you lost some voice/mood with the new version.)

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The officials investigating my lady friend's disappearance would like to know<--You lose the "scurrying" background action with this new version. what kind of creature my pet is. I'm afraid I can't help them.<--This is clearer than the original.

I got him at an auction house on Greensward, although not as part of the main sale. He was perched on the shoulder of a porter who was delivering goods to me. He seemed to grin at us, which delighted my lady friend – and obliged me to buy him. After my somewhat frivolous personal expenditure – a set of gridball mallets, made from earth hickory with true pearl inlays – it would’ve seemed insufficiently graceful to do otherwise.<--Although this ties his purchase more firmly with the need for "gracefulness," it comes off as a little more stilted than the original.

The smile derives from a dislocating jaw that, though he’s mammalian, reminds me of a serpent. It sits close to the body in a rather compact head. I couldn't identify his olfactory organs,<--I miss the interplanetary reference and the musing about the four legs.

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I also like the reference to earth hickory. That tells a reader that the narrator knows about earth and earth things, so we're not suspicious of it being a dog or a man or a beluga whale.

I do wonder if maybe dialogue could reveal some of this. Perhaps begin with the investigator asking what kind of animal it is, and have the lead character say, "I don't know, I got it at..." I don't know where the story is going, so I have no idea myself if that is possible or not.

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I also like the reference to earth hickory. That tells a reader that the narrator knows about earth and earth things, so we're not suspicious of it being a dog or a man or a beluga whale.

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