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This is the opening to a project I am working on, the tone of this opening does not do justice to the tone of the work. The basic tone of this story is one of loss, dependancy and going to the edge and back. I am looking for critique on style and readability. Comments great, flames not so great. **************************************************************** Cyndee was a dancer. She studied the Terran form of ballet. Xed thought back to where he had first seen her. Over the last few months, he recalls her face appearing in at the theater, the Jog and even at the racquet club. More recently, he recalled his Astro-Propullsion class when she walked up and introduced herself to him three weeks ago.
Cyndee was also young, coming in at nine Terran years younger than Xed. She had been born on the moon, while Xed had transplanted two years ago after his divorce on Earth. Instantly, he was drawn to her. It was her eyes, they were ice cold, yet inviting. Warning you off but at the same time, not giving you the chance to run.
“Greetings, Terran”, she said, her mouth breaking into a goofy
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 10, 2007).]
posted
Lots of telling, little showing. You start out, apparently in Cyndee's perspective, but then it's an abrupt change to Xed. We get a bunch of facts listed off on Cyndee, as well as the statement, "he was drawn to her."
The main part that hooked me was the last two lines. I think that might be a better place to start, and then bring all that other info into the story as it goes.
Also, I don't think you have to specify that "her mouth" broke into a goofy grin. What else do we grin with? Just say, "breaking into a goofy grin." Or some such.
The first paragraph seems to be basically a list of the times Xed remembers seeing Cyndee, no real hook for me there. Perhaps if we were given some indication of what is so fascinating about Cyndee then it would give the story more immediacy? Show us how Jed feels when he sees her rather than reel off a list of places.
Her eyes warn Xed off and yet are also inviting? I found this confusing. What is it about them that doesn't give Xed the chance to run?
It seems to me that you've been trying to create some alluring dancer that is impossible to resist and then she has a goofy grin, why does Xed know he is doomed when he sees that goofy grin?
Nice job, I just think you need to tell us more about Cyndee to get a real hook in there
quote:Cyndee was a dancer. She studied the Terran form of ballet.
The first two lines make me think I am in Cyndee's POV, but then…
quote:Xed thought back to where he had first seen her.
All of a sudden I'm in Xed's POV. You should lead with something to put me in Xed's POV.
Also, the name Xed is immediately disruptive. I didn't know it was a name. I wasn't sure if it was a placeholder--like a blank. I didn't know if it was short for "exed," (…exed him out? …exed the spot on the sidewalk?) I tried to pronounce it about three times (…"ext?" "ex-ed?") until I realized it was a name and settled (uncomfortably) on "Ksed."
quote:Over the last few months, he recalls her face appearing in at the theater, the Jog<--This is odd, but I shrugged and moved on and even at the racquet club. More recently, he recalled his Astro-Propullsion class when she walked up and introduced herself to him three weeks ago.
quote:“Greetings, Terran”, she said, her mouth breaking into a goofy grin.
I think the flashback is over and we are in present time--but I'm not sure. Especially since his response seems to indicate it is the first encounter.
quote:Xed knew he was doomed.
I'm not sure if this is for effect (he feels he is doomed to be helpless putty to her), or if he actually considers his doom. Something a little more focused or specific might be more effective.
I am a little intrigued by the inter-celestial relationship, but I'm not sure I would read on if I had a whole pile of manuscripts to pick from. A hint at some conflict might be helpful.
posted
This is a classic example of what you will quickly learn not to do: provide a few facts and then, with the excuse "Joe remembered when..." jerk the reader back in time.
You can begin "in media res" (like old Homer) but if you do, you need to develop a complete scene, with drama and characters, before you say, "Six months earlier..." And you only do that when the reader really wants to know how the characters got into the situation they are in -- not to provide background information. Begin with action. "Xed watched Cyndee dance." Show don't tell, "When she smiled at him, Xed jumped up, ran out of the room, and bought a one way ticket to Calcutta."
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