posted
This is a short-short piece I just wrote, about 800 words on first draft, but am interested in a little feedback on the first 13. If it's catchy, what could be changed, etc. Title is 25 Minutes, the genre is unknown to me at this point.
“You know, it takes twenty-five minutes to go from Staten Island to Manhattan on the ferry.” Mark told the Asian fellow standing next to him. I guess he thought it was polite as he had watched the man unfold a ferry brochure and look at it in puzzlement. “Thank you.” The man replied with a slight smile and a heavy accent, then turned to his companions, all four of them, and started speaking fast in his native tongue. Mark had gone to the top of the boat, the so-called Hurricane Deck, named so because when the ferry was in motion, if you stood outside, it nearly blew you off the boat. Tourists hated the wind, but loved the sights. In the daytime you could take a snapshot of Lady Liberty, a green patina covering her thin copper shell, as she towers over the harbor.
posted
You've just spent 18% of your 800 words. I know that the title refers to the amount of time spent on the ferry. Are there other things I should know instead of the stuff that you've told me? Can you give me a hint of the conflict?
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posted
I'm afraid there's nothing that hooks me here. It sounds like the story is about the journey from Manhattan to Staten Island (or vice-versa) and unless something exciting happens in the next few lines, you've lost me.
You brought up this Asian fellow. Is he important to the story line? Are we supposed to learn something about Mark's character in this interaction? This story is told in the first person, and yet, the focus is Mark, and the third paragraph is written almost in a third person p.o.v. Mark went upstairs--what about this "I" voice? Did this person go upstairs with Mark? Was the "I" already upstairs? If so, how is the "I" related to Mark?
Furthermore, the third para seems like a sidetrack, something out of a travel column or a guide book, and not firmly grounded in anyone's perspective.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited August 13, 2007).]
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