“Raise a glass, Geeb, even if Rol won’t! It’s Peace Day, we’re together, and we’re rich! What else could anyone…” Luma was apparently so anxious to down her drink she couldn’t wait to finish her sentence. The oversized sleeves of her robe hid all of her hand and half of her beverage, even as the bottom of the glass slowly tilted over the top and the midnight blue liquid quickly disappeared into her tiny round mouth. As soon as it was gone, she sat down on her big fluffy bed and started laughing in that wonderful way of hers. “Hoha heho!”

“Luma, you drink. Much,” said Rol. With all eight tiny fingers, he tightly gripped a digital contract as if the Universe would come to an end if he let go.

[This message has been edited by Jon Ruyle (edited September 01, 2007).]

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“Raise a glass, Geeb, even if Rol won’t! It’s Peace day, and…”

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Please do insert line breaks

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Luma Hain, the tall San Ke, was apparently so anxious to down her drink she couldn’t wait to finish her sentence. The oversized sleeves of her robe hid all of her hand and half of her beverage, even as the bottom of the glass slowly tilted over the top and the midnight blue liquid quickly disappeared into her tiny round mouth.

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OK, by this time I have Geeb and Rol and Peace day and Luma Hain and San Ke to deal with all at the same time. That's almost 50% of the first 17 words as new tags I have to deal with. Aargh! I'm assuming Geeb is you POV character. Maybe something along the lines of 'Geeb stepped back as the tall woman/alien lifted her cup. [para]"Raise a glass, Geeb! A toast..." [para]She slumped down. Luma Hain (continue Geeb's observations)'

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As soon as it was gone, she sat down on her big fluffy bed and started laughing in that wonderful San Ke way. “Hoha heho!

“Luma, you drink. Much,” said Rol Khune Hukil Thakila Mayley, the big Volkume. Rol was sitting now, and his five larger limbs were relaxed and wrapped around him and his green shaggy chair. If you didn’t look right the top of his cylindrical torso where

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Again, you're making me take an awful lot aboard. Do I really need to know Rol's five names? Why would his five larger limbs be wrapped around him...

So I've got three individual entities, two of whom are not human, the female one is drunk. And I've got a lot of strange labels to deal with. Oh, and it's Peace Day, whatever that is.

I think, rather than spend the first thirteen introducing these wonderful aliens, you may be better working in something to ground the reader, something they are familiar with - maybe there is an intergalactic war? Maybe a vital discovery has just been made? Anything I as a reader can familiarise myself with, at the moment all there is are some aliens having a drink which isn't really enough to keep me reading, however interesting the aliens themselves may be.

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“Raise a glass, Geeb, even if [/b][/i]Rol[/b][/i] won’t! It’s Peace day, and…” Luma Hain, the tall San Ke, was apparently so anxious to down her drink she couldn’t wait to finish her sentence.[<--Half of this sentence is gibberish to me. I don't know what or who any of the "alien" words are.] [The oversized sleeves of her robe hid all of her hand and half of her beverage, even as the bottom of the glass slowly tilted over the top and the midnight blue liquid quickly disappeared into her tiny round mouth.<--I know how voluminous her sleeve is and what color her drink is, but I don't know their relevance.] As soon as it was gone, she sat down on her big fluffy bed and started laughing in that wonderful San Ke way.[<--Why do all San Ke laugh alike? All Americans don't.] “Hoha heho!”
“Luma, you drink. Much,” said [Rol Khune Hukil Thakila Mayley<--[/b]Eh?[/b]], the big [Volkume<--What?]. Rol was sitting now, and his five larger limbs were relaxed and wrapped around him and his green shaggy chair.[<--Can't picture this.] If [you<--Kills my immersion.] didn’t look right the top of his cylindrical torso where

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1) That their aither "aliens" or a new "fantastic creature" is not reason enough to read on. Who am I following, and why? What is their conflict? (not necessarily physical)

2) Whose PoV is this?

3) Thick with adjectives and adverbs. This slows me down and detracts from my interest in the actual story.

Something like, "Geeb looked around the dingy cabin. Hell of a place to spend Peace Day. At least the three of them were still alive."

Of course, I know nothing beyond what you've shared, so that is almost certainly not consistent with your backstory.

Also, when you edit your first thirteen, you might want to leave the original in there somewhere so people know what the initial comments were reacting to (Of course, I did cut and paste the whole thing...). On the other hand, I like having the lastest version at the top of the thread, so I think I'll steal that idea when I modify my first 13 here in a bit...

And to your comment below about wanting to hide the original, you made me laugh

I think you had, maybe still have, one of the classical challenges of SF: introducing us to an alien world without giving us indigestion. The second version is ligher on detail (whew!) and introduces it when we need it. For example, I liked 'With all eight tiny fingers, he tightly gripped a digital contract' ... although you could probably drop 'tightly', eight fingers would be pretty tight, right?

I'm not sure you're starting at the right place. 'We're together and we're rich' makes me feel I missed the action.

It's perhaps worth mentioning too that almost half the first thirteen are about Luma downing a drink. I'm not sure that's the best bang for your opening buck. Especially when her bed's in the room - I'm left somewhere between bemused and hooked.

Now some nits:

'Luma was apparently so anxious to down her drink she couldn’t wait to finish her sentence. ' I think she couldn't wait to finish her drink, because that's what she did.

'Beverage' threw me out. To my ears it's a peculiarly American usage when applied to alcohol. Would she call it a beverage?

'even as the bottom of the glass slowly tilted over the top' I had to read this several times to get what it meant, too many words for a small detail I suspect. On one reading I thought the glass was tilting by itself!

'her tiny round mouth' We're talking alien here, so I wasn't sure what this apparently significant detail meant. Tiny as in teensy weensy? Round as in perfectly 'O' shaped? If she were human, I'd know what it meant. I think. Is it important?

“Hoha heho!” This doesn't really help me 'hear' what her funny laugh sounds like - if the sound of her laugh isn't important I'd suggest dropping it. I think that, when describing aliens, the reader will dutifully take in every detail, so it must all be relevant somehow.

' “Luma, you drink. Much,” said Rol. With all eight tiny fingers, he tightly gripped a digital contract as if the Universe would come to an end if he let go. '

Almost a hook, but he's got a contract - problem solved. In which case, where's the story?

I'm intrigued, though. This world sounds colourful and mayhemical. I'll read it if you'd like, although at 14k it will take me a few days to get back to you.

Just 2c,
Pat