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Ok, here the first thirteen of a short, its 1500 words. I wrote it a while ago. It didn't have a title, so I've tentitively called it Frailty here it is:
At first, I didn’t know what I would do as I waited. I mean, life’s too short isn’t it, to waste doing nothing… you’ll understand soon enough, I know that.
It’s a long way to travel, to the other side of the universe. That’s what they tell you, before you leave, but I know now it’s not like that. They’ll never reveal to you the reality of this journey. I guess it’s too much to bear, too much to take in and process, with so much horror and pain, hopelessness and sorrow to contend with already. They couldn’t possibly tell you the truth – you wouldn’t believe it, accept it, want it.
I didn’t know what I would as I travelled that long journey to the place we are all destined one day go.
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"At first, I didn’t know what I would do as I waited" -- I immediately wanted to know what s/he's waiting for and the answer isn't addressed in the first 13 at all.
"you’ll understand soon enough" -- Addressing the reader is supposed to be a no-no since it breaks immersion. This is in the free first paragraph, though. I don't think immersion in this story happens until the next paragraph.
"I didn’t know what I would as" -- My mind wants a verb after 'would' and inserted 'do.' On second reading, I think you mean to bring an implied 'know' from the first clause. Repetition would be uncomfortable for the reader, but leaving it to an implication may be worse.
"we are all destined one day go." -- (one day to go?) This sounds like death will be the point of the story and will be likened to an interplanetary journey.
The dark theme at the end of the last line hooks. I'll offer to read if you're looking for readers.
Neat idea although it seems a bit vague to me, like you're holding back the juicy parts just to keep the reader going.
This isn't necesarily bad, but it can backfire. How about throwing in some juice along with the vaguery: eg: why did he have to leave, you mention the sorrow people have gone through, is it a post apocalypse thing? then say: how could they tell us... blah blah blah, after what everyone had suffered at the hands of the Reptilian Humanoids. Or, how could they tell us that in the trillion year voyage we were likely to be kidnapped and have our kidneys stolen by the Reptilian Humanoids.
I'm being ridiculous because I don't want to ruin your idea of the story and it's pretty obvious the reptilian humanoids are unlikely to cram your brain for more than a second or so.
As I said recently about another first 13, I think beginners tend to start with the abstract when the concrete works better. In other words, while this opening isn't bad, I think a strong opening would be to start when something happens.
Jeff, I agree, the 'you' issue is annoying. I didn't realise then I thought back to the beginning of the book I'm reading and it has a lot of 'yous' at the beginning. It's easy enough to change it. Thank you for the offer to read.
Sara and Rick, you both mentioned it being vague/abstract. It's a bit that way all through, to change the beginning would mean to change the entire story. I guess vague isn't good!
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