So here's the first thirteen of a contemporary dark fantasy story. I'd love any critiques on how to improve the opening (which starts with a dream sequence), but what I really need are readers for the whole thing. It's about 6400 words.

Rain pelted her face, running down her cheeks in rivulets. Her whole body was wet, and she was so cold. Someone was cradling her. It sounded like he was sobbing, mumbling something over and over that she couldn’t quite understand. She looked up at the dark clouds, squinted through the drops that fell on her lashes and wondered if the rain was ever going to stop.
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The plates slipped from her fingers, shattering on the tiled floor of the diner. All noise in the restaurant ceased as everyone craned their necks to look for the source of the crash. Sarah stared down at the chair leg she had tripped over, and the two plates lying in pieces on the floor.

Also, do you need the dream sequence? I'm guessing Sarah is lost in it for a moment and then trips on the chair leg. But dreams are a bit cliche. The hook here seems to rely on making the reader wonder what the dream is about, why the man is crying, whether she's in a land of eternal rain, and to find out how the dream and her tripping over the chair are related. It's not enough to really get me. I don't really see a conflict--I see an unveiling, which doesn't interest me all that much.

COMMENT: No need to say "someone" when you say "he" in the next line. Also, no need to say "it sounded like" sobbing. If it sounded like sobbing, it probably was.

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The plates slipped from her fingers, shattering on the tiled floor.

COMMENT: no need to say "on the tiled floor of the diner" because you use the word "restaurant" in the next sentence. If you like the word "diner" better than "restaurant" because it is more specific, just use that word instead of restaurant in that next sentence.

This change also lines the sentence up with the general writing rule: whatever is at the end of any block of writing is what is emphasized in that block of writing. In this instance, the block of writing is a sentence, and "of the diner" is less impactful than the actual impact of the plate hitting the floor. So this change puts the emphasis where you want it.

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Sarah stared down at the chair leg she had tripped over, and at the two plates lying in pieces in front of her.

COMMENT: I just thought "in front of her" worked a bit better for beat, and because, of course, it is "on the floor" so there is no need to say it.

I thought it strange that she should be being held by this strange man babbling something and crying and yet she is more bothered about the weather. This might make total sense later in the story but it seemed strange to me here.

My take:

quote:

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Rain pelted herWho? face, running down her cheeks in rivulets. Her whole body was wet[Deleted. No comma necessary.], and she was so cold. Someone was cradling her. It sounded like he<--Does she knew him? Why say "Someone" was cradling her, if she knows it's a him? was sobbing, mumbling something over and over that she couldn’t quite understand. She looked up at the dark clouds<--Didn't she see who was cradling her here?, squinted through the drops that fell on her lashes and wondered if the rain was ever going to stop.

The plates slipped from her[Who? The girl from the first paragraph, or Sarah?] fingers, shattering on the tiled floor of the diner. All noise in the restaurant ceased as everyone craned their necks to look for the source of the crash. Sarah stared down at the chair leg she had tripped over, and the two plates lying in pieces on the floor.

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1) You've only got about ten lines here.

2) I have no clue what this story is about. All I know is that the first paragraph left me confused, and the second is about a waitress -- with no promise of conlict, and nothing denoting it's any kind of fantasy -- therefore I have no interest in reading further.

Sarah had to shout over the clamor in the diner. “Is Table 15’s order ready yet?”
“Yeah, yeah, hold on,” one of the cooks yelled back, barely audible over the loud chatter jukebox blaring Elvis. He shoved her order on the counter then, and Sarah turned gratefully toward her section.
The jukebox clinked.
The voice was dark and rich. She sang a sorrowful song, but there was a power and confidence behind it that made Sarah’s breath catch in her throat. There was something familiar there, something she had been missing with a terrible ache…
The plates slipped from Sarah's fingers, shattering on the tiled floor of the diner. She stared down at the chair leg...
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quote:

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Sarah had to shout over the clamor in the diner. “Is Table 15’s order ready yet?”

“Yeah, yeah, hold on,” one of the cooks yelled back, barely audible over the loud chatter [Did you forget the word: and?] jukebox blaring Elvis. He shoved her order on the counter then, and Sarah turned gratefully toward her section.

The jukebox clinked.<--[Eh? Changed what it was playing, or just made a noise?]

The voice was dark and rich. She sang a sorrowful song, but there was a power and confidence behind it that made Sarah’s breath catch in her throat. There was something familiar there, something she had been missing with a terrible ache…

The plates slipped from Sarah's fingers, shattering on the tiled floor of the diner. She stared down at the chair leg...

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IMO, you could condense a bit of the second paragraph then let us know if the chair tripped her, or she kicked it. If the former, that's definately a hook.

Maybe:
A woman's voice sang with a dark and sorrowful power that made Sarah's breath catch. It was familiar. She felt pangs of craving, like a recovering addict exposed to heroin.

Sarah had to shout over the blaring jukebox and the overall clamor in the diner. “Is Table 15’s order ready yet?”
“Yeah, yeah, hold on,” one of the cooks yelled back. He shoved her order on the counter then, and Sarah turned gratefully toward her section.
Elvis's song warbled to a close. The jukebox clinked.
The woman's voice was dark and sorrowful. Sarah’s breath caught in her throat. There was something in that rich voice that she had been missing with a terrible ache, something she desperately craved...
The plates slipped from her fingers, shattering on the tiled floor of the diner. Sarah stared down at the chair leg she had tripped over, and the two plates lying in pieces on the floor.