posted
The wardrobe was much smaller than Arthur expected. He was not surprised. Like everything else in his life, big dreams and great beginnings shriveled into small and vanishing realities. He had trudged into Wheaton College’s Wade Center to escape the biting gray Illinois winter and the deeper grayness swirling inside him. Crumpled in his cold hand was the latest shattering of his dreams: an “F” paper from Prof Ryken’s literature class. It was a good paper, except for page three. There Dr. Ryken had caught, verbatim and without credit, some two hundred words from an obscure New Zealand Dante scholar that only someone with the professor’s depth of scholarship might have recognized. Open and shut case, and Arthur the plagiarist would ---- Beginning of a short that I expect to end at about 10,000 words. I saw a pic of the original wardrobe that sparked CS Lewis's "Narnia" stories (housed at Wheaton College's Marion Wade Center museum). Arthur steps through, but ends up in a place more like a modern urbanized version of Dante's Inferno. Still working out the details.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 28, 2007).]
In the first sentence, you talk about what Arthur had expected of the Wardrobe, then don't mention it again. Other than what you wrote as an aside, I wouldn't get the correlation.
I was hooked by the second and third paragraphs, I don't think it needs the wardrobe until you go into it extensively. The threat/conflict is clearly the plagiarism/expulsion issue.
Be aware that--even with the wardrobe--this doesn't identify the genre.
Other than that, great hook. I'd read on to find out.
You might think about telling us "...into the Wade College's Marion Wade Center Museum) in the third line - since otherwise we have no idea what this center is.
"...gray Illinois winter and the deeper grayness swirling inside him." Gray is mentioned twice here - consider something like "and emptiness swirling inside him."
There could be a little pruning also. "Open and shut case, and (delete and) Arthur..."
"There Dr. Ryken had (delete had) caught verbatim and without..."
"...shriveled to small, (delete and) vanishing realities."
posted
I absolutely love the first paragraph. And the title. To me, the first paragraph is the hook is. It aptly foreshadows what's going to happen, provides a great wry tone, and still manages to tell us alot about Arthur.
The story started to sink a little after that, largely because of the flash back which to me stopped the forward action, though the material of the flash back is well written and succinct enough that I'd go through it still, to follow the action promised in the first paragraph. I'm hoping the flashback ends very shortly after these 13 lines.
Anyway, it sounds great, and when you're ready, I'd love to read it .
posted
I'm hooked. I wonder if there is more of an arc if the character does not have such a gray cloud over him. If he's a generally happy and successful student and person, and thus not expecting things to go wrong, the plagiarism charge might have more impact. If you want a reader, please keep me in mind.
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