posted
Alis was a boy; yes that’s right, a boy. His real name was Alisdair after his grandfather but his mother called him “Alis” and his father called him “boy” when his father called him anything at all. Alis had a dog named “Fluffy”; a Mexican hairless known as a Xolo. His dog and his name were just about all that he had and even his name belonged to someone else first, whom he had never met anyway. The only other thing that Alis could claim was a talent that his parents might have suspected and thus shut him out of their lives, and that was the ability to affect the world around him in small ways. Maybe he had gotten this from his grandfather as well, since there seemed to be some dark secret on his mothers’ side that the family never talked about and which had apparently given an
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 30, 2007).]
posted
A whole lot of exposition here, and densely packed into one paragraph makes it kind of hard to read. But when I sort through it all, I find it all boils down to the "orphan with special power." This type of character is based on classic myth, and while it's been done well (Harry Potter), it's also been done many many times. I didn't find anything here that particularly grabbed me. Nor did I find a story line other than the suggestion that he's going to uncover a bit about his past and maybe figure out what this mysterious thing is that no one likes to talk about.
I don't know what your story is, but if you are writing about an orphan with special power, even if the rest of your story has nothing to do with what I speculated above (i.e. he discovers his powers) I suggest you start with a different beginning that this.
posted
I really liked the opening, up to the bit about "whom he had never met..." - particularly the line about the father.
From there, the next few sentences are run-on. The whole paragraph could benefit from being broken into at least 2, maybe 3 distinct ones, but then again, taking a step back - I think it might be useful to throw him right into some action after those first 3 lines. Something like "Alis knew he was different and wanted desperately to be like everyone else. Situation A, illustrating how different Alis was and how much of an outcast he was."
What do you think? Then you can drop the "grandfather and deep, dark secret" stuff into the story as needed. And the bit about how his parents had no idea. Etc. Dribble it out in bits as the action warrants.
Do you think that might work? It would help to engage the reader more. If you would like to keep this style of opening, then I suggest looking for ways to break the sentences after the one I mention above ("whom he had never...") into smaller ones, to reduce the run-on feel.
posted
Hi, talionis, please don't feel you have to take any advice I may offer!
I got a bit annoyed by all "the". And there's a lot of redundancy there. You could probably say what needs to be said in a couple or three sentances, and tell us the rest in an active scene/scenes.
posted
Hi bellino - good to see you here. First, I had a problem with this being all one monolithic block. In fact, haven't read it yet. Here goes...
quote:Alis was a boy; yes that’s right, a boy. His real name was Alisdair after his grandfather but his mother called him “Alis” and his father called him “boy” when his father called him anything at all.
Good. I would punctuate differently, but that's me.
quote:Alis had a dog named “Fluffy”; a Mexican hairless known as a Xolo. His dog and his name were just about all that he had and even his name belonged to someone else first, whom he had never met anyway.
Is it important that the dog is known as a Xolo? Too many names going on here. I'd forgotten the name was Fluffy. Again punctuation (I'd turn the semicolons to periods. Also I'd not bother putting the name Fluffy in quotes. Only writing this commentary did I get the joke that Fluffy has no hair.
quote:The only other thing that Alis could claim was a talent that his parents might have suspected and thus shut him out of their lives, and that was the ability to affect the world around him in small ways.
Here you are building up Alis' talent as an important thing. But I think it works better if you say he could only affect the world in small ways, as though he expects it is normal to be able to do larger miracles than Alis is able to do.
quote:Maybe he had gotten this from his grandfather as well, since there seemed to be some dark secret on his mothers’ side that the family never talked about and which had apparently given an earlier
I was mean and let this cut off where the window tells me the 13 line cut off should be. Anyway, if you were to go with my suggestion above and make Alis think his gift was puny, you could have him reflect that his grandfather had a true gift, that this must be why everyone gets upset when Alis does some little thing and whispers about Grandfather Alisdair.
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