posted
REVISED FIRST 13 about 7 posts down the thread
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They call me a goddess. Wish they wouldn’t. I am, but they don’t have to say so. I mean, if you want a portal open to anywhere or anywhen, the spine ripped out of a dragon, a planet crushed to dust or to win the cheerleading competition, I’m your girl. Just call on Becky, but don’t worship me. Okay, the portal was just showing off to my best friend Tish. We don’t ever call her Le-teet-zee-ah or we’ll get her brown fist where our teeth belong. When that dragon fell dying at my feet, his huge eyes looked so sad. I know he had a right to live and hunt, but Tish is not lunch. Somebody screwed up when those systems collided. That empty old planet was headed right for one with sentient life. Now they have time to develop space travel. The cheerleading? That’s gonna take a while.
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The usual questions:
Does it hook? Is there some humor? Any readers? It's ready at about 1550 words.
[This message has been edited by JeffBarton (edited October 02, 2007).]
I got a little lost in the middle and toward the end.
quote:When that dragon fell dying at my feet, his huge eyes looked so sad. I know he had a right to live and hunt, but Tish is not lunch. Somebody screwed up when those systems collided. That empty old planet was headed right for one with sentient life.
These events don't seem to have a connection to me, and as they are, are meaningless, I don't know what systems, planets.
quote:Now they have time to develop space travel.
This appears to me as incomplete, plus who are they?
quote:The cheerleading? That’s gonna take a while.
I like this last bit.
I get the feeling you're trying to get too much into the first thirteen, but for it to make sense, I need more information. My advise would be to slow down a little, give a bit more information.
To your questions.
Am I hooked? Since I have to think about that, I'd have to say, not really.
Is there humour? I'm a hard nut to crack, so maybe I'm not the one to answer that. I was amused up to being confused.
It isn’t working for me. Why? You have some neat ideas but you have their threads kind of tangled up. You don’t need the explanation of Tish’s name – it’s entirely irrelevant right here and interrupts a nice bit of text.
The dragon “falling” at her feet doesn’t connect all that well with ripping the spine out of a dragon and the sadness about his death ruins the humor going on here. And the connection of his dying with Tish not being lunch took me a moment to make. I think that could be cleared up by eliminating some of what you have there that is once again taking the text off subject.
The systems being screwed up by somebody – that threw me. What systems screw up how? And you state they collided. Maybe that’s what’s throwing me. First you say they did collide and then you seem to take that back and say she fixed it in time. How, then becomes the question because the world headed toward the other...how did she fix it? Presumably by crushing it to dust. If so, then say so in an entertaining way. But it’s hard to differentiate between old planet and one with sentient life. Could it be a moon? Asteroid? Planetoid?
The opening and closing of paragraph 1 –they call me a goddess...but don’t worship me – that’s on the same subject. Fine. But I think you closed it too soon.
Here’s an idea of some things that might help with the clarity and staying-on-the-subject.
They call me a goddess. Wish they wouldn’t. I am, but they don’t have to say so. I mean, if you want a portal open to anywhere or anywhen, the spine ripped out of a dragon, a planet crushed to dust or to win the cheerleading competition, I’m your girl. Okay, so the portal was just showing off to my best friend Tish. And when that dragon fell dying at my feet...I had no choice. Tish is not going to be anybody’s lunch. Somebody screwed up when those solar systems collided. That empty old moon from the rogue system was headed right for a planet with sentient life. Not any more. It’s just a dust storm floating through intergalactic waste. Now the planet has time to develop space travel. And what about the cheerleading? That’s gonna take a while. But forget the incense and prayers. I don’t work that way.
posted
I got some humor, and felt a blip of interest. I agree with previous posters about the confusions. I had a hard time sounding out "Le-teet-zee-ah". I thought maybe I was supposed to recognize the reference but I didn't.
Honestly, though, the voice felt a little generic to me. I feel as if I've been coming up with this sort of contrarian, sassy voice a lot, which I'm not a big fan of to begin with.
My 2 cents.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited September 30, 2007).]
posted
Hi Jeff. I'll read if you don't need it back too soon - have a few other things on my plate right now.
quote:They call me a goddess. Wish they wouldn’t. I am, but they don’t have to say so. I mean, if you want a portal open to anywhere or anywhen, the spine ripped out of a dragon, a planet crushed to dust or to win the cheerleading competition, I’m your girl. Just call on Becky, but don’t worship me.
Meh.
quote:Okay, the portal was just showing off to my best friend Tish. We don’t ever call her Le-teet-zee-ah or we’ll get her brown fist where our teeth belong. When that dragon fell dying at my feet, his huge eyes looked so sad. I know he had a right to live and hunt, but Tish is not lunch.
I want paragraphs. Can I please have paragraphs?
Does it matter that the POV character (or at least Tish) is black? The Letizia thing was weird. Seemed like a desire to put in "teet" without tripping someone's PG-13 sensor. I'd end with saying the portal thing was to show off, since you appear to have semi-legitimate reasons for the other hijinks.
quote:Somebody screwed up when those systems collided. That empty old planet was headed right for one with sentient life. Now they have time to develop space travel. The cheerleading? That’s gonna take a while.
OK, do end with the cheerleading, but just after saying the portal thing was for fun. "Cheerleading? That's hard. I'm still working on that."
posted
I like Becky's voice and her attitude. The idea that she's reluctant has me hooked. And an apparently strong female MC -- I like that too.
For me the second para introduces too many new ideas without connecting them. It's ok to introduce new things, and not connect them -- such questions are what a story resolves, of course. But this para introduced a portal, a dragon and Tish -- okay so far -- and a mysterious 'somebody' (another god or goddess?), 'those systems' (systems?), collision between an old planet and a sentient one (Ah, they must be star or planetary systems -- but now I'm feeling information overload) and 'Now they have time to develop space travel' (Huh? After a collision with a planet? Rather late for that, methinks.) And then we're back to cheerleading, which I had entirely forgotten because it seems rather mundane compared to portals and planets and being a goddess.
I suspect you're trying to get too much into the first few lines, and a good deal could probably be fed in later. For me the hooks are her voice as a reluctant goddess, the portals, planets and dragons, and her protection of her friend Tish from the hungry dragon.
(And if she's a goddess, she has choices, right? Did she really have to kill the dragon? Couldn't she have just given him a really big scare and herself an easier conscience? Or was she venting her anger at being a goddess on him ... ?)
posted
I don't have anything to add that wouldn't be just a different subset of the other critques. But I'll be glad to read it when you're ready.
Maybe there is one thing: the humor seems to be mainly in the voice. My guess is you were aiming at a younger set, 12-18. That is a wide range; it reflects my lack of knowledge about this group (even though, sadly, I write for this group sometimes).
posted
Thanks for all those comments. Of course, I know what I meant when I wrote, so I get the same result every time I read: perfect understanding. These comments show how far I am from getting the picture into readers' minds. The revision is below. I have some more work to do on the rest of it before I send it out, so it will be a couple of days.
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They call me a goddess. Wish they wouldn’t. I am, but they don’t have to say so. I mean, if you want a portal opened to anywhere, the spine ripped out of a dragon, a planet crushed to dust or to win the cheerleading competition, I’m your girl. Just call on Becky, but don’t worship me. Okay, the portal was just for my best friend Tish--to show her the spectacle of planetary systems colliding in space. We landed on a planet with atmosphere, a good view and dragons. The poor dead dragon had a right to live and hunt, but Tish is not lunch. A big empty planet was headed right for one with sentient life. I crushed the big one and the dust fell into its star. Now those beings have some time to develop space travel. Who did they anger, anyway? The cheerleading? That’s gonna take a while.
posted
You need more of a segue into the cheerleading comment at the end. That's -- to me -- the best part of the whole 13 lines. An element of bathos (as I think it's called). But the adventure on this portal planet, didn't work. For one thing, it felt too rushed. For another it was all one example now. All those things happened at one time. This didn't follow along -- for me -- with the list of what-I-can-do-for-you works in the first paragraph. I think you were better off with the first structure...but that's just my opinion.
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