posted
Hi, I just wanted to see if these first 13 lines would keep you reading. I finished the story, but it's the first 13 that bother me most.
Mike traced the words inside his head, “I can give you the gifts of a God,” over and over. He sat on a rusted treatment bed in a room with walls of dirt and a tile floor cracked by weeds. He knew this genius or madman, called himself Nemo, and had the scientific knowledge to give him a power beyond perception. Told him it took time, but with each genetic enhancement he inflicted upon himself, his mind expanded to the full capabilities of the human body. He still remembered Nemo hovering before him on top of a sky scrapper, asking him if he could fly. Decisions, Mike yearned for complete liberation, to escape the burdens of this world. No longer would he have to worry about the job he got fired from, his fiance Loren with a
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 13, 2007).]
posted
Hmm... a very interesting idea, but it's a bit unorganized. My mind got jumbled trying to follow the order of the story. What genre is it? Here is how I would edit the beginning:
[QUOTE} “I can give you the gifts of a God.” (1) Mike traced the words over and over inside his head. He sat on a rusted treatment bed in a room with walls of dirt and a tile floor cracked by weeds. He knew this genius or madman, called himself Nemo, and had the scientific knowledge to give him a power beyond perception. (2)Told him it took time, but with each genetic enhancement he inflicted upon himself, his mind expanded to the full capabilities of the human body. He still remembered Nemo hovering before him on top of a sky scrapper, asking him if he could fly. (3) Decisions, (delete this) Mike yearned for complete liberation, to escape the burdens of this world. No longer would he have to worry about the job he got fired from, his fiance Loren with a child on the wayIt would bejust him and nature, and if anything he would have the power to change things.(4) Mike could find no wrong in Nemo’s thinking. All Nemo wanted was to be free and happy, and what is happiness unshared? Nemo said he wanted to lift the blinds off the world, and that to do it, he needed him. [QUOTE]
1)Start with a strong opening sentence. 2)Is Mike the scientific genius, or Nemo? Who has the scientific knowlege to give whom the power? This sentence and the next one are a little unclear; use their names instead of 'he' or 'him' to help the reader understand what you're talking about. 3)Nice. 4)Watch your use of the word 'thing'; it's awfully vague. I want to know what he would have the power to change.
Overall though, I like it. If you're looking for readers, I'd be happy to read the whole story.
[This message has been edited by BoredCrow (edited October 13, 2007).]
quote:Mike traced the words inside his head, “I can give you the gifts of a God,” over and over.
When you set the line "I can give you the gifts of a God" in the middle of the sentence, it doesn't quite flow right for me. Either set it closer to the word 'words' or Start out with the line.
quote: He sat on a rusted treatment bed in a room with walls of dirt and a tile floor cracked by weeds.
This line feels completely random. It's the only line set in a definite place. All the other sentences are involved in your narrative summary. I would leave it out until you actually start describing a scene.
quote: He knew this genius or madman, called himself Nemo, and had the scientific knowledge to give him a power beyond perception.
Your comma work was made this line very confusing to read. If you remove what you have deemed nonessential it reads like this: "He knew this genius or madman and had the scientific knowledge..."
quote:Told him it took time, but with each genetic enhancement he inflicted upon himself, his mind expanded to the full capabilities of the human body. He still remembered Nemo hovering before him on top of a sky scrapper, asking him if he could fly.
Pronoun confusion: which he is he?
quote:Decisions, Mike yearned for complete liberation, to escape the burdens of this world. No longer would he have to worry about the job he got fired from, his fiance Loren with a
I don't know how I feel about the placement of the word "Decisions" If you're using this for effect I would set it off in it's own sentence.
Overall it reads like a narrative summary with a lot of backstory being told up front.
[This message has been edited by hteadx (edited October 16, 2007).]
posted
“I can give you the gifts of a God,” over and over.
Told him it took time, but with each genetic enhancement he inflicted upon himself, his mind expanded to the full capabilities of the human body.
The sentences above lead one to believe that the enhancements must be renewed. They are applied over and over. And his mind is expanded (up) to the full capabilites EACH time, meaning that the applications are not additive, but renewing, since the full capabilities are the cap.
However, I am not certain that is what you mean to say, because the wording gives mixed signals. The "over and over" is odd if the application must be repeated, as if it is an advantage to repeat the treatment. If you mean the power of God is infinite, then the "over and over" is meaningless. If you mean the treatment gives the power of God (or full capability of man) in multiples, maybe you should say "and beyond" rather than "over and over." If you mean that the treatment must be repeated to arrive at the same level of greatness, just drop the "over and over" and explain the re-application requirement differently (and later in the story).
Short answer: I think this seemingly critical part of the story needs some clarification. However, it seems like an interesting story.
posted
Thank you guys for all your information; I have found it very helpful. I have also found way too many flaws in those first 13, to actually use them, so I decided to start a little sooner.
BoredCrow, thanks for the offer to read my story, but I still have much rewriting and polishing to perform on this story before its done.
posted
I'm not giving a critique but I just wanted to let you know that I found your 13 lines very interesting so far! I agree with what the 2nd comment says about it being a little jumbled, but I would definitely read more.
Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2007
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posted
Since you decided to change the first thirteen, I won't critique, but I did want to mention something.
"...his mind expanded to the full capabilities of the human body...."
I don't know where you're going with that, but I thought I'd bring this up just in case--food for thought is all.
There is a popular misconception that humans only use 10% of their brain power, but that isn't true. We only use 10%, more or less, at one time. Meaning that only 10% of the neurons are firing, but the brain is mapped out and we know, more or less, the function of each section of the brain. Some think the brain is a big mystery to scientists, but they really know quite a bit. Only a few bits and pieces are truly mysterious.
posted
Thanks for the information. That's one thing my writing has seriously lacked as of late, is doing the actual research ahead of time. I'm now just realizing how necessary it is to research everything, so I can build a believeable historical background to my stories.
[This message has been edited by Grijalva (edited October 23, 2007).]
posted
In addition to the other comments, one thing you might want to consider is how much weight to give to descriptive writing. The first 13 may not be the right place to steal words away from action (even mental action), but the one line of descriptive writing, "He sat on a rusted treatment bed in a room with walls of dirt and a tile floor cracked by weeds", comes across as a littany of adjectives tossed together without purpose if you don't give it the context of Mike's point of view.
If your reader works for it, then I think they see Mike is either about to undergo, or has just undergone, some black market procedure in an unregulated clinic, perhaps in a third world country or off a back alley in the bad part of town. He is alone, so the hack-job physician either walked out after finishing the procedure and left Mike to recover from the anethesia on his own, or hasn't yet arrived. There are no nurses and no staff; no safeguards if something goes wrong. If there is a problem, the mad doctor can walk away and leave Mike to bleed out on the table and no one will come for him, no one will even know he was ever there. He'll just go to sleep and never wake up.
For Mike, this is more than a room with a rusty bed, earthen walls and a cracked floor. This place is either where the magic happens, where men are made gods away from the prying eyes of visionless medical boards and unimaginative cattle, or it is a charnel house he enters only after great hesitation, to gamble with his health, with his very life, in pursuit of an ambition he doesn't fully understand.
This room empowers him or it terrifies him. Probably both.
I respectfully submit it deserves more than a sterile, third-person description. Or I may have missed the mark in my guess about why you started to describe it the way you did, and it shouldn't get much attention.
Either way, I love Faustian-style stories like this. Good luck!
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