“16. I’m sixteen now and still my dad hasn’t come like He promised.” These words bounced around in Drake’s skull until they left quite an impressive tattoo on His brain. “Maybe the others are right, and he’s dead. They said he was mad… talking about something called a… ah, who cares? I’m just going to have to make my own way. I’ll be able to leave the orphanage soon. Then who cares who He is? Who says that I have to know who my dad is? All I have to remember him by are these old relics."

As Drake lay on His bed, He gazed at the two heirlooms on His dresser. A sword handle, and some sort of necklace that Drake never bothered to put on, and no one else seemed able to touch. They both were made of some sort of yellow material that wasn’t gold or foolsgold, which made Drake wonder what it was.

Otherwise, the internal dialogue in the beginning felt contrived to me. Generally I find internal dialogue works better in short, pithy phrases, rather than lengthy expositions.

It's true fool's gold is a mineral that can't be worked like a metal, but that's a minor fix. More problematic, I find, is that I didn't buy why he would leap up in that moment and put on the necklace that had been sitting there forever. Why does the eye seem familiar enough to draw him in now rather than any other? It seems there's nothing else new about the situation--it seems he's been in this situation for a long time (i.e. dad not there) and has had ample time to ponder the relics on his dresser. So, what urges him to do it now, rather than your need to get the story going?

You need to consider line editing your work. Perhaps, if you are unsure about the general rules, get a copy of a grammar book and/or Strunk's 'Elements of Style'.

Your first paragraph is thoughts, I assume. Yet you have used speech marks "". Try italics, no speech marks, and the odd 'he thought' instead -- it's what most people understand. e.g.

Maybe the others are right, and he's dead, Drake thought.

Also in prose you write numbers using words, at least one hundred percent of the time. You also wrote it twice in only a few words, once as '16' and once as 'sixteen'. You need only say it once.

You have used the first paragraph as an info-dump rather than weave the information into the story.

I think you should have taken a little more time creating a situation where these details become evident naturally.

Suppose Drake was being mocked in the orphanage by older boys who ridiculed his dream of his returning father. Then you could have him smoldering with rage. A friend could stay him from retaliating reminding him that he can leave the orphanage when he turns sixteen in only a few weeks. Yes, thinks Drake, then I can find out about the strange artifacts father left behind.

It's a bit cliched (I usually am!) but it shows more than him just lying on a bed.

quote:

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You need to seriously start line editing your work. Perhaps if you unsure about rules, get a copy of a grammar book and/or Strunk's Elements of Style.

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I would have probably tried a more tactful way of saying this, like:

If you have a grammar question--as most of us do at times--you can scroll down on this page and be sure to find a section that has a relevant answer.

As to the post, a quick question:
Is the 13 line the upper or lower paragraph?

I'm going to assume it's the lower for My take:

quote:

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As Drake lay on [h]is bed, [h]e gazed at the two heirlooms[Define heirloom. I can't picture this.] on [his[If it's near his bed, I'll assume it's hisdresser] dresser. A sword handle, and some sort of necklace that Drake never bothered to put on[Why?], and no one else seemed able to touch[How does he know this? What happens when someone tries?]. They both were made of some sort of yellow material that wasn’t gold [or foolsgold<--I, personally, wouldn't have thought that it would be pyrite, but as it sets, it's not even metal], which made Drake wonder what it was. The handle had flames of silver going up and down its length, and the necklace had a jewel on the end [that had some sort of lizard eye carved into the center.<--Wierd wording. Also,is it plausible that he can see them from where he lay on the bed?] The eye was the thing that drew Drakes attention the most. It seemed almost… familiar. [Suddenly<--You don't need this.] [he] decided, drake stood up, stormed over to the dresser, picked up the handle, and [threw the necklace over his head<--And it landed on his neck?] onto His neck.

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1) I don't really know what's going on here, other than him inspecting what he's already inspected. Before I know about the descriptions of the heirlooms, I want a character to care about.

2) It feels like you are intentionall withholding. If a the necklace (amulet?) has a ruby (or something) carved into a dragon's eye, just tell me. You're not going to build mystery by not; you're going to look condescending: I'm smart enough to guess--especially given the nature of the title.

3) Is there a reason that you are starting with a mundane act? It better be shown to be important (especially in a short story) why you're not igniting this with action. Remember, you're making the reader a promise here, in this first thirteen lines, that you are going to show conflict and resolution.

I hope this helps.

I would not wish to put someone off writing -- we all learn the more we try.

I didn't feel berated -- thanks for pointing it out.