Thanks.

Thane

****************************

quote:

---

“so (So) who’s first? who (Who)brought us something special?” (Who says this?)
“i (I)found a nice one, out near Mira system. a (A) pleasure cruiser was viewing a trinary star set. misjudged the gravity well. six (Six)hundred voices shrieking fear. It was a tasty quaff.”
The Reaper pulsed a replica of the draught(Unsure what this means) . The others pulsed back responses of savory delight – all except Lexha.
Moving past the awkward silence, the next one (one? What are they?)shared.
“i (I)came across a fuelport meltdown. took (Took)the whole station and twelve tugs with it. Searing pain, spread out like a nova.”
This Reaper also pulsed a sample. Rapid thoughts came back, and their receptors jangled – “amazing” “bright” “heady.”
Still Lexha remained silent. Secondary pulses brushed between them. Tiny hints of curiosity, as well as a few flutters of veiled annoyance, rippled around the gathering.

---

I am intrigued, but very unsure about what is going on. You have used terms that are not immediately understandable. I don't know where all this is happening. I am unsure of who is talking at times. The piece lacks a certain clarity of setting.

I gather this is a set of grim reapers who are comparing deaths they have experienced at some death-version of a board meeting.

You seem to have started many sentences without capitalizing the first letter of the first word. I would recommend reading a grammar book if you are unsure of any rules -- certainly I had to do it, and I still make loads of mistakes -- but it will eliminate the most common faults.

I am unsure if I would read on. The grammar would put me off, although the idea intrigued me.

Thanks for the comments on clarity. I will take another look at that.

The "uncapitalization", intentional though it may be, didn't serve the intended purpose IMHO. I think it would be much better to just tell the reader that this conversation is telepathic.

Is there a reason you omitted tags in most of the dialog? Immediately knowing who is saying what would make this easier to read. Maybe they are all unnamed reapers. If so, then tell us that explicitly.

I think you need a few words just to describe what is going on. Skadder thought this was a group of grim reapers comparing deaths they have experienced, I thought it was *the* Grim Reaper walking around tasting deaths discovered by a group of his minions. (I looked again and saw the words "this Reaper" near the end, so it looks like skadder is right) Try to make it so obvious that even idiot readers like me will have a clear picture of what is going on the first time they read.

I think with just few changes this could be a very interesting beginning.

Apologies, I didn't realise it was purposeful. Although I wonder why you break the convention, anyway. Thoughts are often represented in italics, but are still capitalised as they remain sentences.

I know Death in Terry Whatisname books always speaks in capitals. Is this the sort of effect you are going for?
For me the break in convention looks like an error, and I am not sure what it adds.

It may be telepathy, but it is operating as speech in the prose. I think you need to re-think how you do this.

I am trying an experiment here, as well. I intentionally don't name the reapers (except for Lexha). Also, this is a double frame story. Lexha shares a story (and an experience with the others gathered at the meeting), and then there are frame stories within the next scene, where Lexha (a member of a stellar species that evolved by drinking energy imbalances from quasars, but who now occasionally sample the emotional "imbalances" that eminate from humans) interacts with 3 humans, and they share their stories. BUT, none of that matters if nobody reads on.

Here are some revisions, with proper capitalization. (Good advice, skadder. I was going for form over function...bad idea.)

****************

“So who’s first? Who brought something special?” said the oldest.
“I found a nice one, out near Mira system. A pleasure cruiser was viewing a trinary star set. It misjudged the gravity well. I tasted six hundred voices shrieking fear. It was a tasty quaff.”
The sharer pulsed a replica of the draught. After savoring, the others pulsed back responses of delight – all except Lexha.
Moving past the awkward silence, the next one shared.
“I came across a fuelport meltdown. It took the whole station and twelve tugs with it. Searing pain, spread out like a nova.”
This sharer also pulsed a sample. Rapid thoughts came back, and their receptors jangled in pleasure –

Although I think your obvious hook remains weak. The situation is intriguing and I would read more, but the hook of Lexha (who you have failed to explain how she/he/it is different from the rest) and her standoffish behavior is not in itself very hooky. I am personally more interested in the reapers (who you have renamed). I have just noticed why. I think you almost downplay your own hook when you state:

>Tiny hints of curiosity, as well as a few flutters of veiled annoyance, rippled around the gathering.

It kind of makes me only a tiny bit curious, and only a little annoyed I don't know the reason she is just standing there doing nothing.

Perhaps you should make this stronger. We do after all take our cue from the narrators perception. You do the same earlier when you say:

>Moving past the awkward silence, the next one shared.

I actually moved past the silence, almost not registering what you said -- it didn't feel awkward.

There was an awkward silence.(Someone coughed quietly)

To me, the above feels more awkward and therefore hooks me into the prose.

Still, correcting the grammar has improved it. I would read on.

As to the lack of tags, the other 5 (besides Lexha and "the oldest") are going to function more like a greek chorus. Unless it totally fails to pull people in, I would like to continue the 2 dialogue "shares" without tags.

Hopefully the new first line adds to the hook and provides additional background as well...

Thank you both for your input.

***************

Seven Reapers gathered in to share their favorite draughts.
“Who’s first?" said the oldest. "Who brought something special?”
“I found a nice one, out near Mira system. A pleasure cruiser was viewing a trinary star set. It misjudged the gravity well. I tasted six hundred voices shrieking fear. It was a tasty quaff.”
The sharer pulsed a replica of it to the others. After savoring, they pulsed back responses of delight – all except Lexha.
Moving past the awkward silence, the next one shared.
“I came across a fuelport meltdown. It took the whole station and twelve tugs with it. Searing pain, spread out like a nova.”
This one also pulsed a sample. Rapid thoughts came back, and

Lexha's lack of response doesn't seem like an interesting problem because her colleagues ignore it. And we know nothing of her, except that we assume she's one of the seven and therefore a Reaper: we don't know whether to care about her or not. (Heck, we don't even know if Alexha's male, female or something else. The name just sounds female to me.)

"Moving past the awkward silence, the next one shared." My immediate reaction to this was, what awkward silence? There had been responses of delight.

I think I understand the greek chorus thing but for me it doesn't work because I'm thinking if one has a name, they all do, and the narrator surely knows them, so why not name them? Also, it creates a new problem - what to call them? So now they're variously reapers, sharers and ones. The term 'This one', especially, to me sounds lame.

Italics is enough to signal thought. You're readership is speculative, they can take not knowing exactly what's going on if the beginning is intriguing enough, and this one certainly is. You do not need to spell it all out.

One of the most intriguing beginnings I've read in Hatrack.

Also, I re-read it cold and realized that it is missing conflict in order to draw the reader in, so now instead of silence from Lexha, we have what she is really thinking about the first two draughts.

So now, after all of your comments and advice, I guess I should go turn this from a WIP to a CW (completed work). Then I can share the finished story around and see if it actually works. Thanks all for your advice and insights.

Thane

*********************

“Who’s first? Who brought something special?” pulsed the oldest.
“I found a nice one, out near Mira system. A pleasure cruiser was viewing a trinary star set. It misjudged the gravity well. Six hundred voices shrieking fear. It was a tasty quaff.”
The sharer pulsed a replica of the draught. After savoring, the others pulsed back responses of delight – all except Lexha.
“It seems oily...hollow,” she pulsed. “Where’s the middle?”
After an awkward silence, the next one shared.
“I came across a fuelport meltdown. It took the whole station and twelve tugs with it. Searing pain, spread out like a nova.”
This one also pulsed a sample. Rapid thoughts came back, their receptors jangling – “amazing” “bright” “heady.”
“It's just so big, so brawny. There’s no finish, only attack,”

[This message has been edited by Igwiz (edited November 15, 2007).]

I liked the use of the imagery: "Hollow" and "Brawny". In a short 13 lines it gave a depth and substance to something that is rather intangible.

Just one thought about the use of telepathy, I like the idea and the choice you made in the beginning. I think if set up properly, which would probably take more than 13 lines, I think it could be pretty effective.

Thanks,