posted
Only crits on the first thirteen for now. My first reader loved the rest of the story but was concerned with too much description in the first paragraphs.
Thanks!
-------------------------------------------------------- Although he arrived with the electronics that scare away the hummingbirds, I didn't hate the stranger at first.
Tsi has no flying insects, so we need the hummingbirds to pollinate our crops. They make perfect low-gravity insects, and zing through our terraces like oversized bees, probing the potato flowers. Tsi's low gravity is gentle on its children and allows them to grow tall. The wheat stalks are long and don't bend, even when burdened with the most bountiful heads. Fruit floats in delicate tufts of foliage tens of metres high and the roots of the tumtum trees twist and twirl their way to the ground, creating the undergrowth of moss and dark where the jabberwockies live. ------------------------------------------------------------
I'm using Lewis Carroll's poem "The Jabberwocky" as a reference.
>Although he arrived with the electronics that scare(d) away the hummingbirds, I didn't hate the stranger (you know his name, surely -- or does he remain the stranger? It feels a little like withholding info) at first.
Other than that, the rest of it was interesting. You hook is your forth-coming hate of the stranger and why. It is a weak hook, but is strengthened by your nice descriptions and my interest in the jabberwockies.
I would read on but I would want to something to start happening soon -- real soon.
I had nothing to connect to. Seemed like an info-dump. There was a bunch of info on the insects, but I don't know what they look like, or why they're significant. Do they damage the potato flowers, and are said flowers of specific importance?
Could this detail be introduced as it relates to the characters?
posted
Why not stay with the subject of the stranger and the hummingbirds? The rest of the worldbuilding is nice, but doesn't support story at this point.
I'd use that first bit about the hummingbirds pollinating the crops and then get into the story of this stranger arriving with machinery to affect them. Develop the story rather than the setting right here.
Just my opinion.
I did LIKE your description of the world. But it's in the wrong place, I think.
posted
"...I didn't hate the stranger at first." Nice. Now I'm curious as to what brings about your change of mind. Instead of the story going along those lines, there seems to me what is a total disconnect with the sentences that follow. This is jarring to the reader. Even while reading the description my mind is wondering about the stranger and why you hate him now. I agree that most of this opening "feels" like writing that should be put in the body of the story.
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posted
--------------------------------- Although he arrived with the electronics that scare away the hummingbirds, I didn't hate the stranger at first. Tsi has no flying insects, so we need the hummingbirds to pollinate our crops. They make perfect low-gravity insects, and zing through our terraces like oversized bees, probing the potato flowers. He wanted to fly, of course. They all want to fly. Tsi's low gravity is gentle on its children and allows them to grow tall. The wheat stalks are long and don't bend, even when burdened with the most bountiful heads. Fruit floats in delicate tufts of foliage tens of metres high and the roots of the tumtum trees twist and twirl their way to the ground, creating the undergrowth of moss and dark where the jabberwockies live. In Tsi, snakes can jump and people can fly. ----------------------------------------------------------
Better?
[This message has been edited by Sara Genge (edited November 13, 2007).]
posted
No, sigh. I’m afraid you’re still fading out of the story subject.
Here is a sort of example using as much of your story as possible and some details thrown in to make the idea flow more toward story, if that makes any sense. Just my opinion, of course.
If you are so fond (and I can’t blame you, I like it too) of your description, put it first. The images are wonderful and you get a pass on the first paragraph…somewhat. But then segue to the subject of the story. I think you want to emphasize the wanting to fly sentences more. Those are evocative. You don’t have to do it my way, but can you see anything in my rearrangement?
Tsi's low gravity is gentle. Wheat stalks are long and don’t bend even under the most bountiful of heads. Fruit floats in delicate tufts of foliage tens of meters high. Tsi has no flying insects, so we use hummingbirds to pollinate our crops. They make perfect low-gravity insects, and zing through our terraces like oversized bees. On Tsi, snakes can jump and people can fly.
That’s why, when the stranger came with his equipment that scared the hummingbirds away, I didn’t hate him at first. He wanted to fly. They all want to fly.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited November 13, 2007).]
posted
Thumbs down - although the writing is elegant IMO. Love the description. But that first sentence. You might delete that sentence or follow it up with something that seems more in tune with it. What follows your first sentence seems to not tie in so well with that first sentence. I still want to know what provoked the dislike for the stranger - but I'm hit with description. Develop the situation with the stranger and then follow up with those sentences. I care more and am more curious about the stranger than I am about the surroundings.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited November 13, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited November 13, 2007).]
posted
The closest thing to a hook is that I want to know why people can fly and why "they all want to fly".
Other than that it seems to be just worldbuilding, though it is quite elegant as nitewriter said.
One problem I have with writing is I can see everything in my head and I want to explain just enough to the reader so he/she can see it as well. But sometimes I don't explain enough and I can't see that since I already know what I mean in my head.
It seems like you have a great world in your head, but we need to know more about it as well as how it ties into the stranger and such. We also need more of a hook.
Although he arrived with the electronics that scare away the hummingbirds, I didn't hate the stranger at first. Tsi has no flying insects, so we need the hummingbirds to pollinate our crops. They make perfect low-gravity insects, and zing through our terraces like oversized bees, probing the potato flowers. Tsi was blessed until the shuttles came. The low gravity was perfect for a relay cargo station, since spacecraft needed less fuel to take off. We objected, of course, but to no avail. With the cargos came the occasional worker. These were tired men and women at the end of their shifts who wanted to explore the tall beauties of Tsi or visit the wonders of its elongated vegetation. My people discovered the benefits of tourism but they didn't give up on their fight against the spaceships.
posted
This last, yes. Very info dumpy. I think you were closer with number 2. You brought in that people want to fly. The stranger came with his equipment because he wanted to fly. That's interesting. All the rest of this stuff is not germaine to the story at this point.
But...it's your story. It has to please you first off.
posted
Ya, agree with arriki for the most part. This still, for the most part, reads like something that ought to be further along in the body of the story. I'm still curious about that stranger. Again, I like the suggestion of arriki - why not go with the description and then bring in the stranger and develop that scene. Then, at least, we are not left dangling wondering about the stranger while going through a description.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited November 14, 2007).]
posted
Sorry, but I like the first version best. The imagery in that second para attracted me, and if it's an infodump, I don't mind because Tsi seems like a place I'd like to explore for a while. I'd read on.
The second version is ok but the 'He wanted to fly...' para jarred me. (He who? I had forgotten the stranger because I was zinging with hummingbirds.)
The third version is, for me, too much of an infodump, too little beauty.
For me the problem is the first para. I suspect it's a bad idea to start with 'Although' ... although it's hard for me to articulate why: somehow 'although' portends a secondary fact, and I want to skip it to get to the main point. And yet, that's the hook. Perhaps something more active, like 'I didn't hate the stranger at first. Not until his electronics scared the hummingbirds away.' (And my style is more clumsy than yours.)
Hope this helps, Pat
Edited to add: Or, move this line to follow the description, as others have suggested.
[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited November 14, 2007).]
quote:Tsi has no flying insects, so we need the hummingbirds to pollinate our crops. They...probing the potato flowers.
was "hummingbirds only 'drink' from certain flowers, and I don't think potato flowers are one of them." You've lost me at that sentence unless there are a lot of these hummingbirds and they're somehow genetically modified to seek and be able to drink from every plant that normally would need insect pollination.
posted
Ok, finally found a new beginning. How's this? (the pretty paragraph has been shunted back into the beginning of the next scene, where I think it works best)
------------------------------------------------- Although he came with the spaceships that scared away the hummingbirds, I didn't hate the stranger at first. He stepped out of his shuttle and swung his bag easily onto his back. I tried not be impressed: in low gravity Tsi, all foreigners are strong. "Take me to your leader," he said, grinning. "Tell your shuttle to go," I answered. It was the time of the flowers and there were no flying insects on Tsi: without the hummingbirds to pollinate our crops, there would be nothing to harvest that year. He nodded and the shuttle lifted off. He was a stranger, but I had no reason to hate him publicly. Official hatred must be born of objective wrongs. ---------------------------------------------------------
posted
I'm still looking for more tangible conflict here. The first line is much too convoluted. "I didn't hate the stranger at first," is the last clause of the first sentence, which tells me that (he? she?) comes to hate him later. The problem is that you seem to be more focused on the milieu than developing or demonstrating the key conflict, not a "tell" of the hate. I guess what I'm looking for is you to start a scene that shows me why she hates him, or comes to.
In this case, we are caught somewhere between a scene and a narration. In one sentence there is a character talking to another character, and in the next, the character is talking to the audience. It seems very awkward and hard to get into. I think you need to choose what voice you want to be in, and then keep it consistent.
I think that this is the main reason for your weak hook. I keep trying to figure out not only what's going on but who you are talking to. I think if you straighten that out, it will get somewhat "hookier," but I still think you need something else. Maybe starting at another place in the story line...
quote: Although he came with the spaceships that scared away the hummingbirds, I didn't hate the stranger at first.<--[Hook.] He stepped out of his shuttle and swung his bag easily onto his back. I tried not be impressed:[<--IMHO - end one sentence and begin the next.-->] in low gravity Tsi, all foreigners are strong. "Take me to your leader," he said, grinning. "Tell your shuttle to go," I answered. [It was the time of the flowers and there were no flying insects on Tsi: without the hummingbirds to pollinate our crops, there would be nothing to harvest that year.<--[IMHO - She/he should be telling the stranger this, in explanation to the comment. Not in an "as you know Bob" way, but maybe giving him Hell. That way you can characterize the info.] He nodded and the shuttle lifted off.[This is kind of wierd, too. I'd expect him to have to actually talk to the pilot.] [He was a stranger, but I had no reason to hate him publicly.<--Redundant, except for the word "publicly"] [Official hatred must be born of objective wrongs.<--[IMHO - This sentence should be directly after the first one.]
Turn ons: A stranger in a strange milieu is pretty much always a hook. The "...didn't hate the stranger at first..." is a hook, I want to know what changes that.
Turn offs: Don't know anything about the protagonist (Male? Female? Adult? Child? Farmer? Queen/King?) How he/she feels is questionable--you have told me how he/she doesn't feel, yet.
Hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited November 20, 2007).]
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