This is a sci-fi WIP, about 2,000 words so far (target uncertain, but within 'short story' guidelines). I wrote it a while ago, and recently came back to it in an attempt to find its direction. I'd love crits on the first 13 here (anything from overall impressions to a line-by-liner is great), and I'm also looking for readers.

Thanks, everyone

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There was plenty to look at in downtown Victoria even without being aware of the ethereal bacteria teeming amidst it all.

Bonnie Sasaki envied the citizens and visitors who passed through the garden city of British Columbia's Vancouver Island with hardly a thought for the ample physical bacteria on every surface, let alone the intangible amaurobes that hitched a ride on every soul, stuck to the immaterial host like plant burrs. It had been a challenging reality for a recent science MA graduate to accept at first, but the field agent of four years who sat sipping her whisky on the rocks on the pub's summer patio was inured to the novelty.

She wasn't on duty just now, but a great percentage of her fieldwork was so similar to the rhythm of daily life that she

Just a few quick thoughts.

First, I'm a Londoner and therefore I believe that London is the centre of the universe. So for me Victoria is in London, and it took me a while to figure out there might be another in B.C.

There's Bonnie, a recent science MA grad, a field agent and, in the last line, a "she": are these all the same person or different people?

"stuck to the immaterial host like plant burrs" I think this should be "stuck to their immaterial hosts like plant burrs" -- and I doubt that "immaterial" is necessary, since souls are surely not of the material world.

I wondered if "amaurobes" was a made-up word, perhaps some kind of French-influenced word for 'love bugs', so I looked it up. I didn't find it, but did find "amaurosis":

"noun Medicine partial or total blindness without visible change in the eye, typically due to disease of the optic nerve, spinal cord, or brain." Do you intend such connotations?

Hope this helps,
Pat

There was plenty to look at in downtown Victoria even without being aware of the ethereal bacteria teeming amidst it all.

Love that first line. Hooks me from the very start.

intangible amaurobes that hitched a ride on every soul, stuck to the immaterial host like plant burrs.

I like each of these descriptions, but having both of them is redundant to me.

It had been a challenging reality for a recent science MA graduate to accept at first, but the field agent of four years who sat sipping her whisky on the rocks on the pub's summer patio was inured to the novelty.

This comes across as a clumsy info drop to me. What would feel much more natural to me would be just using her name here, and revealing her position and educational status through her actions in the story or interactions with other characters. Or, if you want to tell us instead of show us, just straight up tell us. "Bonnie had recently graduated with an MA in science and had been working as a field agent for 4 years." Something like that maybe. As it is, it feels to me like you're trying to sneak the info in without us knowing that you're sneaking it in, and not getting away with it.

There was plenty to look at in downtown Victoria even without being aware of the ethereal bacteria teeming amidst it all.

<<You can't see bacteria, so the parallel "look at"/"be aware of" doesn't work.>>

Bonnie Sasaki envied the citizens and visitors who passed through the garden city of British Columbia's Vancouver Island with hardly a thought for the ample physical bacteria on every surface, let alone the intangible amaurobes that hitched a ride on every soul, stuck to the immaterial host like plant burrs.

<<Too big an infodump for sentence two.>>

It had been a challenging reality for a recent science MA graduate to accept at first, but the field agent of four years who sat sipping her whisky on the rocks on the pub's summer patio was inured to the novelty.

<<"It had been...>> is a weak opening. A stronger version of the same sentence would begin "Bonnie sat sipping her whisky on the rocks, on the pub's summer patio. She was now inured to the thought of the bacteria, though four years ago as a recent science MA graduate it had been hard to accept." Note that I've kept your wording, only changing the order of the words. But the comment above on "science MA" is apt. Try "biology graduate".

She wasn't on duty just now, but a great percentage of her fieldwork was so similar to the rhythm of daily life that she

<<Something needs to happen.>>

I hope this helps.

Bonnie Sasaki envied the citizens and visitors who passed through the garden city of British Columbia's (Cut "British Columbia") Vancouver Island with hardly a thought for the ample physical bacteria on every surface, let alone the intangible amaurobes that hitched a ride on every soul, stuck to the immaterial host like plant burrs. It had been a challenging reality for a recent science MA graduate (NO. See below) to accept at first, but the field agent of four years (NO. See below)who sat sipping her whisky on the rocks on the pub's summer patio was inured to the novelty.

She wasn't on duty just now, but a great percentage of her fieldwork was so similar to the rhythm of daily life that she

I'm a little hooked. I like the idea of a germaphobe in a major city. I think you might be starting in the wrong place, though. Is something going to happen in this story? If so, start the story there. Don't introduce your character to me and then begin the events of the story. Do both at the same time.

As for my "NO" comments. You're writing a story from a quirky POV. I'm curious because you've made her quirky, therefore I'm quickly pulled into her head. And then you say things like "recent MA graduate" and "field agent of four years" and I'm rocketed out of your character's head. It's like you jumping into the story and yelling "Don't forget I'm here!" When writing from a strong POV (which I argue should always be done, there are those who disagree) root everything in that POV. Everything everything everything. If you character isn't actively thinking it, I don't want to know it. Keep me in that character's head.

And of course, this is all IMHO.

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Keep me in that character's head.

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There was plenty to look at in downtown Victoria even without being aware of the ethereal bacteria teeming amidst it all.[Eh?]

Bonnie Sasaki envied the citizens and visitors who passed through the garden city of British Columbia's Vancouver Island with hardly a thought for the ample physical bacteria on every surface[Mental rest], let alone the intangible amaurobes that hitched a ride on every soul[Eh?], stuck to the immaterial host[Huh? How can something stick to an "immaterial" host?] like plant burrs. It had been a challenging reality for a recent science MA graduate[Who is this?] to accept at first, [but the field agent of four years<--Who is this? What kind of "field agent"?] who sat sipping her whisky on the rocks[Apparently, not the kind of "field agent" who isn't supposed to drink on duty.] on the pub's[What pub?] summer patio was inured to the novelty[What novelty?].

She wasn't on duty[Oh, she's not?] just now, but a great percentage of her fieldwork was so similar to the rhythm of daily life[Static.] that she

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Okay, you've got three People--Bonnie, a recent science MA graduate, and a field agent--who are sitting in a pub. Got that. (Sounds like the beginning of a joke.) But, what are they doing? What is happening? And how do they feel about it?