posted
Looking for critiques and readers of the whole thing.... I worked this out a few months ago and it's still in my head, so I thought I'd send it around, see how it sounds to you all. It's contemporary, for the most part, and pretty short.
quote:Tom gripped the rough wooden handle of the cabinet door and pulled with all his might his little arms held. The hinges squealed as the door swung partly open. He scooped up grandpa’s worn copy of The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe and squeezed into the cabinet before the hinge springs slammed the door shut once again. He collapsed on to a pair of riding boots just as the door crashed shut, the sound thunderous in the cramped cabinet. The darkness inside the cabinet was complete; he couldn’t even see a thin thread of light around the door now that it was closed. He struggled into a sitting position and pushed the riding boots to the far side of the cabinet. He pulled his knees up to his chest and leaned back against the side wall, holding the book close to his chest with both hands.
Jayson Merryfield
[This message has been edited by Wolfe_boy (edited December 06, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 08, 2007).]
posted
This looks interesting and I would be happy to read it. At this point I'm wondering what the significance of his LW&W book is, and why he can hear horses.
My only nitpick is that I would prefer "...all the might his little arms held" to "...all his might his little arms held"
posted
Just in case it wasn't clear, by "wondering what the significance of A and B" meant "A and B are the hooks", not "what the heck is up with A and B" (in the above, A = LW&W book, B = why he can hear horses)
posted
Alright Wolfe-boy. This is a flash piece? This isn't grabbing me right now. It feels redundant, let me show you why. First sentence "...cabinet door..." second "...the door..." third "...the door..." fourth "...the door..." fifth "...the door..." you also mentioned 'cabinet' seven times in these first thirteen lines. If you are trying to capture an air of desperation, I would suggest reworking it without so many 'door's and 'cabinet's. For example, in the first sentence, take out 'of the cabinet door' and 'his little arms held' so it reads.
Tom gripped the rough wooden handle and pulled with all his might.
Tightening it will increase the tension I believe you are after. Hope this helps.
posted
940 words, and I'm pretty sure in the first 80, all that's happened is a little boy got into a cabinet. Flash doesn't have to grab you by the throat and throttle you, but it helps when it does.
I like the tone, and the image of a small boy squeezing into a wardrobe with, of all things, a copy of LW&W, but...I guess I expected more punch with the opening of such a short piece. Mind you, I have a terrible time writing short (sub-1k) fiction, so do as I say, not as I do. I'm happy to read more, though. I think you have my email addy (I don't post it here) from previous exchanges, if not holler.
quote: Tom gripped the rough wooden handle of the cabinet door and pulled with all his might [his little arms held<--[You either don't need this yet, or change the "his" in "his might" to "of the"]. The hinges squealed [as the door swung partly open<--Don't need]. He scooped up grandpa’s worn copy of The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe and squeezed into the cabinet [before the hinge springs slammed the door shut once again<--This part is unreal to me. I can't imagine--without some set up--why a cabinet would be set to "slam shut".]. He collapsed on to a pair of riding boots just as the door [crashed<--I mentioned this in the last comment.] shut, the sound thunderous in the cramped cabinet. The darkness [inside the cabinet<--Consider dropping.] was complete[:] he couldn’t even see a thin thread of light around the door [now that it was closed<--Consider dropping this.]. He struggled into a sitting position and pushed the riding boots [to the far side of the cabinet<--Consider replacing this with: aside]. He pulled his knees up [to his chest and leaned back against the side wall<--Consider dropping], holding the book close to his chest with both hands.
It was very quiet in the cabinet.<--[Eh?]-->Tom could hear the horses...[Maybe: In the quiet cabinet, Tom heard a faint galloping of horses. <shrug>]
If there's no rush, I'll give it a read.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited December 07, 2007).]
posted
I like this. For me it almost seems like the boy is trying to make LW&W come true for him.
quote: Tom gripped the rough wooden handle I had a hard time with the rough. If it's a cabinet handle, wouldn't it be smooth? of the cabinet door and pulled with all his might This might not be needed --> his little arms held. The hinges squealed as the door swung seems at odds with the squealing. If he had to work at it you might think about using "inched" or some other word to show the resistance partly open. He scooped up grandpa’s worn copy of The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe and squeezed in --> you don't need - to the cabinet before the hinge springs slammed the door shut once again. Bit abrupt. I'd like to see Tom struggle with the door if it's so tightly sprung/ He collapsed on to a pair of riding boots you don't need to repeat this --> just as the door crashed shut, m'b "as the thunderous sound made his ears ring. the sound thunderous in the cramped cabinet. The darkness inside the cabinet I know he's in a cabinet, stop telling me that was complete; pick one to tell me it's dark. This --> one is better IMHO he couldn’t even see a thin thread of light around the door now that it was closed. He struggled into a sitting position and pushed the riding boots to the far side of the cabinet. He pulled his knees up to his chest and leaned back against the side wall, holding the book close to his chest with both hands.
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