posted
This is an expanded, re-worked version of something I posted in the Micro-Flash challenge area. Here are the first 13, and it would be great to have some readers.
Thanks,
T2
Standing at the Intersection of Good Luck Boulevard and Constant Sorrow Lane
___________________________________ The onslaught of late-April rain forced our retreat from the outdoor park. The next best place for a four-year-old to run off steam was at the indoor playground. There must have been fifty kids at the mall that Saturday afternoon, all of them shrieking at the top of their lungs. While I have no empirical evidence, I firmly believe that there is a direct correlation between the joy and the volume of a child.
The girl was Jesse’s height – maybe a little taller. They couldn’t have been more different. My frazzle-haired, tow-headed tom-boy was dressed in worn jeans and a long-sleeved T-shirt. There was a smear of mud on Jesse’s left knee, and one of her sleeves was rolled up past her elbow, while the other hung below her fingertips. In contrast, the girl was like a
[This message has been edited by Igwiz (edited December 11, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by First Assistant (edited December 12, 2007).]
posted
You have some good imagery here for me. There is a slight disconnect though that happens after the third sentence. Up until this point I have no idea that the story is being told from the first-person perspective of the mom. The first sentence sounds almost as if it's going to be told from the four-year-old's perspective (despite the fact that you used the word "onslaught"). Make this more clear, earlier. I love the last sentence of the first-paragraph. Genius. Luck with it.
posted
Revised first 13. Also want to thank those who have already provided feedback. VERY helpful.
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The onslaught of late-April rain forced my daughter and me to retreat from the outdoor park. The next best place for a five-year-old to run off steam was at the indoor playground. There must have been fifty kids at the mall that Saturday afternoon, all of them shrieking at the top of their lungs. While I have no empirical evidence, I firmly believe there is a direct correlation between the joy and the volume of a child.
The girl was Jesse’s height – maybe a little taller. They couldn’t have been more different. My frazzle-haired, tow-headed tom-boy was dressed in worn jeans and a long-sleeved T-shirt. There was a smear of mud on Jesse’s left knee, and one of her sleeves was rolled up past her elbow, while the other hung below her fingertips. In contrast, the girl was like a
[This message has been edited by First Assistant (edited December 12, 2007).]
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