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I was talking to a friend, and somehow she missheard me and thought I had a little brother Eddy who lived in the basement. So, I'm writing a short story about it. Yes, I have the right font size this time:
Eddy heard laughter and music from Upstairs. They were celebrating. Without him. They were having some sort of party. They were always having some sort of party. But the door was locked. It had always been locked, to keep him out. Like he was dangerous or something. Eddy couldn’t remember the last time he was Upstairs. He was- he had always been- locked Downstairs. It was damp and musty. Typical basement. Not that Eddy had ever been in another basement. He hadn’t been anywhere in his entire 12 years of life. Eddy wrapped his thin blanket around himself. It wasn’t cold. The furnace gave heat, and the blanket gave him comfort.
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Interesting, but I'm so ready for him to get out of the basement! Maybe you could move the story along and give us a hint as to what's going to change, how he's going to act, something. Otherwise it feels too stagnant.
Also, you might consider breaking up your sentence structure. It helps add to the stagnant feeling, and makes it choppy to read.
quote: Eddy heard laughter and music from Upstairs. They were celebrating. Without him. They were having some sort of party. *They were always having some sort of party. But the door was locked. It had always been locked, to keep him out. Like he was dangerous or something. Eddy couldn’t remember the last time he was Upstairs. He was- he had always been- locked Downstairs. It was damp and musty. Typical basement. Not that Eddy had ever been in another basement. He hadn’t been anywhere in his entire 12 years of life.* Eddy wrapped his thin blanket around himself. It wasn’t cold. The furnace gave heat, and the blanket gave him comfort.
Overall, I want a stronger POV. I don't need "Eddy heard." Any noise I will assume I am hearing through Eddy.
I marked two stars. I don't think you need any of what you wrote between there. If he's locked in the basement, I'll assume the door is locked. I'll assume that he's locked in the basement like he's dangerous or something. If he's always been downstairs, why would he think "typical basement?"
Here's what I think you should do:
Get in Eddy's head, and get me in Eddy's head. Convey the details that Eddy would notice - dankness, darkness - good. This basement is like other basements - not so good. I think you can skip over telling me that he has been down there his whole life, and just let me realize it. Show me what Eddy is experiencing, and get on with the story. Trust me as a reader to understand what's going on.
quote:Interesting, but I'm so ready for him to get out of the basement! Maybe you could move the story along and give us a hint as to what's going to change, how he's going to act, something. Otherwise it feels too stagnant. Also, you might consider breaking up your sentence structure. It helps add to the stagnant feeling, and makes it choppy to read.
I was sort of aiming for the stagnant, unchange feel. I'd imagine life is pretty stagnant if you've been in a basement all your life. Overall, I want a stronger POV. I don't need "Eddy heard." Any noise I will assume I am hearing through Eddy.
quote:I marked two stars. I don't think you need any of what you wrote between there. If he's locked in the basement, I'll assume the door is locked. I'll assume that he's locked in the basement like he's dangerous or something. If he's always been downstairs, why would he think "typical basement?"
Here's what I think you should do:
Get in Eddy's head, and get me in Eddy's head. Convey the details that Eddy would notice - dankness, darkness - good. This basement is like other basements - not so good. I think you can skip over telling me that he has been down there his whole life, and just let me realize it. Show me what Eddy is experiencing, and get on with the story. Trust me as a reader to understand what's going on.
I've been told that words like "he heard" are unessary, but it's hard not to. Yeah. I'll edit soon. Thanks for the help guys, I'm sure it'll get better.
quote:I was sort of aiming for the stagnant, unchange feel.
I see.. the problem is, most people don't want to read about a stagnant, unchanging situation. Good stories for me are dynamic, about change, growth, development. If I don't see the potential in that, or a direction, I'll usually skip it. Others might feel differently, though.
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