This is another WIP, but I thought I'd get some opinions on the hook. Right now I'm about 750 words into what I expect to be about 4,000.
Thanks in advance,
____________________________________________
His footsteps padded behind me, nearly silent except for the occasional soft crunch of loose pebbles on the damp, broken concrete. The poor schmuck probably thought he was being quiet.
That’s right, buddy. You can do it. Get your dumb ass up here and rob me…
I was wearing “not quite an urban war zone, but almost as bad” camouflage. For me, that consists of an old-fashioned three-piece suit and cracked leather shoes. I’d also let the sides of my hair grow out, which gave me a middle-aged, bald man’s tonsure. My ensemble was topped off with a little padding around the middle and a pair of broken glasses that I’d studiously taped across the nosepiece. I’m probably the only exterminator you’ll ever see who looks like your grandpa. That
posted
The story is definitely interesting. I would probably not allow your POVC to address your reader quite so blatantly in the middle of an action scene, while you, the writer, are still trying to hook the reader (i.e., the line where the POVC tells the reader that we probably won't see another exterminator that looks like our grandpa). We can see, from his description of his clothing, that he looks like our grandpa.
Other than that, nicely done. I'd be happy to read it, regardless how long it turns out. Let me know! :-)
And I don't have a problem with the part where you address the reader. I think helps develop this guy's sarcastic, callous voice, which is what really hooked me.
posted
I'm interested. I'll read, if you like, but I probably won't be able to get it back to you until the end of the week.
What struck me as odd was the contrast between the action and the sudden concern about fashion. While this introspection does introduce character, it just felt a bit abrupt and out of place. maybe you can find a way to weave it in so it feels more like an organic turn of attention? The thoughts in between didn't bother me.
posted
Like Annepin I was a little thrown by the "how I'm dressed" stuff. A three-piece suit did not seem to me appropriate camouflage for an urban war zone, and I had to look "tonsure" up in the dictionary. I don't mind looking things up but I think this is a really obscure word--and then I wondered how you could have a tonsure if you're bald: it's just the bald bit that's left after shaving off just the top of an otherwise full head of hair, right? Anyhow, a distraction from the action.
Also, I'm with bigdawgpoet on addressing the reader. I never met any of my grandparents. I have one picture of one grandfather. Taken in the 20s it shows him with a full head of jet-black, slicked-back hair, a waxed handlebar moustache and a proud "look at me in front of this new-fangled camera" look frozen onto his face that would never, ever fit in an urban war zone. So when I read "I’m probably the only exterminator you’ll ever see who looks like your grandpa," I jerked out of the story thinking, "I doubt very much that you look like my never-fade-in-the-crowd grandfather."
That's the problem with addressing the reader: you don't know who the reader is, nor their background; everyone's grandpa is different and some may not fit with what you're trying to say.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
