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Author Topic: Jane in Contrition
thedorkygirl
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Hey, all. I'm having trouble with my beginning. I took out a paragraph that I decided was too much, and now I need opinions.

A warning: I'm not completed yet, but I feel like without catching my voice in the first page, I can't finish & rewrite the rest. I think the voice fits as a whole throughout, but that, without the backbone of the preceding paragraph, the first line is much too flowery and so changes the whole tone.

~4800 words

#

It was always loss about which they busied themselves, hens and crows pecking miserably at pebbles in the dirt. Nobody spoke about work or children or even asked Janie if she were in high school, not once. In every city they lived, there was a different group of strangers, a different lead or prospect on her mother. Nine times they moved before she was eighteen, and her mother had only been missing for six years.

"Six years, five months, and twenty-two days," her father said at the beginning of the meeting. He checked his watch, not even feigning a joke. Janie closed her eyes in horror. "And eighteen hours, nine minutes."

#

Yes, it is science fiction. ;-)


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WouldBe
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Hello dorkygirl,

I liked this quite a bit. The first sentence painted a very nice image. The only thing I tripped on was "...a different lead or prospect on her mother." It was fully explained in the next sentence, but I read it a couple of times wondering what "lead" referred to. In retrospect, I doubt many others, if any, would trip on that, but I did. I suppose you could say, "...a different lead or prospect on her mother's whereabouts," but others here will probably protest that it isn't needed.

The only other comment I'd make is that there is not hint about it being a SF story. The doesn't bother me, but some may ask for that.

Good luck. I'd continue reading.

[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited January 22, 2008).]


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Cheyne
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Hey Dork,
First off I like the sense of mystery. Your premise is easy to decipher; a good thing in these first 13. I agree (with you)about the first line. I read it before reading your explanation and I was put off by your metaphor, or more precisely, put out of the story-- a killer in the first line. I wasn't sure if the birds were the characters or what. Maybe it would work if you had already established who 'they' are. Anyhow...
My take:
_________________________________________________________________
It was always loss about which they busied themselves, hens and crows pecking miserably at pebbles in the dirt. (see above) Nobody spoke(to whom?) about work or children or even asked Janie if she were in high school, not once. (Why would they? We can't be surprised yet. BTW a very different and better voice than the first) In every city they lived, there was a different group of strangers, a different lead or prospect on her mother. (This sentence might work better with a more balanced structure, eg. …a different group of strangers and a different set of clues…) Nine times they moved before she(Janie—it's not too soon to say it again) was eighteen, and her mother had only been missing for six years.

"Six years, five months, and twenty-two days," her father said at the beginning of the meeting. (Family? Business?)He checked his watch, not even feigning a joke. Janie closed her eyes in horror. (Mock horror?) "And eighteen hours, nine minutes." (This threw me out again. Was Janie speaking or her father? Careful about placing third party actions in the middle of speech)

____________________________________________________________________

This is probably not particularly helpful but I think you should relook at the first paragraph and decide if you started in the right place. Maybe the father's obsessive count would be a good jumping off spot.
Also, don't worry about attaining a perfect opening until you have finished the first push to an ending. At 4800 wds you've got a ways to go yet.

[This message has been edited by Cheyne (edited January 22, 2008).]


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LCastle
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Yeah, that first sentence threw me too. I had to read the whole thing twice to get what was going on, and even then, the first sentence still threw me.

I also stumbled with the phrase "or even asked Janie if she were in high school" Who's "they" and why do they care?

And I'll second Cheyne on the "finish the story, then dink with the opening." Things change as you go along.


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halogen
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Hey,

I think this has promise because the writing is easy to get into. And you have a good hook.

It doesn't present itself as SciFi. Had I opened this up I would initially thought this was some Grapes Of Wrath era storytelling. Does it need to imply SciFi? I don't know.

I think the first paragraph is well written and interesting but... it just doesn't seem to work. Hens, children, high school, strangers, mother, different cities, eighteen, missing six years; that's a lot of stuff to cram into one paragraph. Perhaps you would be better off cutting out a few things from that list to be included into the story late.

Also, "Closed her eyes in horror". Really? Horror? Is her dad about to pull out a chainsaw?'

Overall great job, I think you just need to reorganize a bit and you would have a solid piece.


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MrsBrown
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Its not too many ideas, but it does need to be organized better. The first sentence doesn’t work as is, but I like the idea that it was always about loss, and the misery of chasing false leads. Maybe work those ideas in with the leads on her mother, and put the the cities and strangers in another sentence.

Would Janie really miss people speaking about work or children? That sounds a bit like an adult POV.

In the first paragraph, nine-eighteen-six got me confused – my mind wanted to chase down the math. I didn’t know at this point that it was just Janie and her father moving about – were some of the moves with her mother too, before she went missing? Is Janie eighteen now? I don’t think you need her age since she is in high school.

I get the horror – younger teens are appalled by the weird, dumb things their parents do. But it would be more believable if she cared about the opinions of the other people present – other teens, a boyfriend, or someone she respects? It sounds like a group of strangers, all “grown-ups,” are at these meetings, so would she really care?

[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited January 23, 2008).]


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thedorkygirl
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Hey, just wanted to say thank you to everybody for the comments. I'll get back in more detail later this evening when dinner's done. Y'all really gave me things to think about during work today!
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