I'm working on a new short story... I'd love feedback... thanks.
They played the last game of the very last World Series in Los Angeles, the town where the pitching of Sandy Koufax once brought them to their feet, and where movie stars in their black sunglasses, sparkling cars, and heady lifestyles once dazzled as brilliantly as diamonds. It was August, and the temperature at Dodger Stadium couldn't have been much above freezing. Melvin Thompson cried a little the first time one of the players went down on a patch of ice. He only recognized a couple of them – Felipe Lopez, wearing a Washington Nationals jersey, not that it mattered; and the catcher for the other team was a big-shot hitter for the Yankees whose name he couldn't remember. Whoever had gotten the lone camera down
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 22, 2008).]
posted
I like this, nice hook, you show us the setting and what's been lost, and allude to what's replaced it. Nice voice and the POV character shows up quickly enough (for me at least, maybe not others). Just a couple of nits.
quote:They played the last game of the very last World Series in Los Angeles, the town where the pitching of Sandy Koufax once brought them <-- same they as before, refers to the players, I suggest "the fans" to their feet, and where movie stars in their black sunglasses, sparkling cars, and heady lifestyles once dazzled as brilliantly as diamonds. nice It was August, and the temperature at Dodger Stadium couldn't have been much above freezing. I'm hooked. Melvin Thompson cried a little the first time one of the players went down on a patch of ice. He only recognized a couple of them – Felipe Lopez, wearing a Washington Nationals jersey, not that it mattered; and the catcher for the other team was a big-shot hitter for the Yankees whose name he couldn't remember.sort of a long sentence here, but not a deal-breaker for me Whoever had gotten the lone camera down
Maybe this is just me but I don't understand the first line.
quote:They played the last game of the very last World Series in Los Angeles, the town where the pitching of Sandy Koufax once brought them to their feet, and where movie stars in their black sunglasses, sparkling cars, and heady lifestyles once dazzled as brilliantly as diamonds.
Who is they?
The last game of the last World Series? I don't know much about sports but wouldn't it make sense to say 'They Played the very last world series.".
I don't know if this is happening now or if the character is reminiscing. That is my biggest nit because it prevents me from fully understanding the first 13. The first line seems to toggle between now and then, or maybe it is all just then, I can't tell.
posted
Well written. No problem with who "they" were; it's got to be the players. In this context, "They played. . . ." almost goes in the same category as "It rained. . . ." And I guess (to my surprise) that I must know SOMETHING about sports after all: Sandy Koufax is in the past, "the last game of the very last World Series" must be in the future, so that first sentence all makes sense to me.
I've only got a tiny nit.
quote:He only recognized a couple of them – Felipe Lopez, wearing a Washington Nationals jersey, not that it mattered comma splice; and the catcher for the other team was a big-shot hitter. . . .you start to make a list, but the first item is phrase (which contains a clause as a modifier) and the second is an independent clause of its own
Putting in a semi-colon for the comma splice would be clunky. I'd use dashes around that clause; but you already have a dash in the sentence so something needs to be done there, too, and I'd suggest a colon. Then just reword the next part so that it isn't a sentence on its own. That is:
quote:He only recognized a couple of them: Felipe Lopez, wearing a Washington Nationals jersey--not that it mattered--and the catcher for the other team, a big-shot hitter. . . .
Oh, and in standard manuscript format the dash should be two hyphens with no spaces around them, rather than one with spaces.
I have to admit (and this is a personal issue) that I have zero interest in baseball, so I'm not yet pulled much into this story. I'm wondering if this is really a baseball story with ice-age trappings, or an ice-age story with baseball as the mere opener or vehicle. However, if it were in a magazine I'd read on (with a bit of trepidation) to find out. Everything else is good enough. And I'd be prepared, even, for it to be an actual baseball story that was nevertheless good enough for me to like it.
[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited January 23, 2008).]
posted
You've already received some excellent grammar and structure advice, so I will only ask: Why does it not matter which team the unnamed big hitter is playing for if the other team and stadium are important enough to name?
PS- Hockey in the age of global warming might be more timely
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